Bush could learn something from RENT

Interesting news story: US Investigates Bush Spying Leak (BBC)

The US justice department has opened an inquiry into how information about President George Bush's secret spying programme was leaked, officials say.

It is interesting on several levels. The Administration is indignant that someone let the cat out of the bag about his people spying on Americans. That is like stealing cookies from the cookie jar, and when you get caught, saying "Umm... you should never have come into the kitchen!" Take some responsibility. You shouldnt' be stealing cookies. What is the greater crime - to violate civil liberties by spying on Americans, or to let the media know that this violation is occurring by their representative leader?

Bush calls the report irresponsibile. I call throwing the US Constitution in the trash irresponsible.

Bush says that, through the report, enemies of the US have learned things they shouldn't have. I say the US government is learning things they shouldn't have.

You can justify absolutely anything for homeland security - torture and detainee abuse, spying on ordinary U.S. citizens, spending billions and billions and billions of dollars, destroying the infrastucture of other nations which may or may not be a threat, killing tens of thousands of people both innocent and guilty. What's ironic is, at least in my opinion, we are not any safer after any of these actions. Secure the borders. Give appropriate funding and expertise/mentoring to developing nations so their people are less impoverished. Establish trade justice so the poor are not shut out of our markets. It is an endless list of unpursued ways to bring security and hope to our country.

I suppose it's strange to quote the musical-movie Rent on this, but there is a line where they say the opposite of war is not peace; it's creation. Amen to that. Create some hope, some job opportunities, some affordable housing... create a way out of the rage mentality.

Beware because I loved Rent and am going to blog about 10 more times on it. I should develop a blogging series like a sermon series. Hmmm!! I like that idea.

Another gift

To all who do not believe in destiny, hear ye! Hear ye!!

The craziest thing just happened to me tonight. Let me rewind... I lived in Rapid City, South Dakota during 1995 through 1998. Just three years. I started there in 8th grade and left halfway through high school. I had several good friends, but one especially: Katryna. Our moms worked together, and when my family was new to town, Katryna's mom and my mom exchanged phone numbers... for US, their daughters! It was kind of like having your parents set you up with a guy, except, it was a girlfriend. lol However, being new to town and having nothing to lose, I called Katryna's number. We had a funny and memorable first conversation, followed by meeting at the mall to go shopping. Anyway we got to be really good friends, and even when my family and I moved to Minnesota, we stayed in touch. One time we decided that halfway between our houses was the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota (a real gem of the Midwest if you've never been... hah!) so we made a weekend trip to meet there. Good times, good times.

Well, as tends to happen, we lost touch. I didn't know why; we just did. It has been at least 5 years since I have talked to or heard from Katryna.

Until tonight...

I was just sitting here in my parents' family room on Christmas Day, playing on the computer while watching TV, when I went into an email account I don't use anymore. I was looking for this obnoxious validation email that never seems to arrive. In any case, I decided to empty my junk mail folder. I scanned them quickly before deleting, when WHAT did I see but a forward from Katryna! No way!! She never sends emails to anyone, let alone to me. I opened the email and found it had been sent within just minutes. So, spastic as I am, I wrote back "Katryna!! Are you there?!" She immediately wrote back "Yeah, what's your phone number? I have way too much to say to type it out." I gave her my number, and soon we were catching up on over five years of life. Wooooohooooooo! She is doing so well, and even getting married in July. I am not surprised at all.

I love her, by the way. She is one of the most down to earth people I have ever met. Anyway, I just feel like this was all very serendipitous and a really sweet Christmas gift. All this reconnecting with friends in the last few months...

Who doesn't love BABY OTTERS?

I just have to blog this photo from flickr. I don't have the link but anyway it's not mine, some... otter lover took it! I just think they are beyond adorable.

Children's books

I admit I'm sort of all-talk and no results when it comes to writing lately, however I have thought of several children's book story ideas. Hopefully these will actually come to fruition. Tell me what you think.

- Shrinking Sheila - inspired by our elderly friend Sheila who really is shrinking in her old age. She is also an inspiringly positive and upbeat old person. This book would explain aging to children in a lighthearted way.

- The Christmas Tree Farm - Personified Christmas trees as they prepare to leave their farm during the holidays. I anticipate this one will be made into a pixar animation. :) Heh.

And my newest idea which was born in my head less than one hour ago...

- Tis the Season and Twas the Night - Winter and nighttime personified in an original Christmas story! lol Tis meet Twas. Both charming enough to have inspired poetry (one a song and another a story).

So, be on the lookout for these and other groundbreaking children's books from soon-to-be-author me...

Draw-ring

I have taken up drawing. I always wanted to be able to draw portraits, but thought you had to be born with this amazing natural talent. Well I talked to Curt, my artist friend, and he said you can learn it by practicing just like you learn anything else by practice. It's the same thing I keep reading in my drawing book and tutorials online, too. I'm excited! However, I do need this certain sort of tool... a tortillian, I believe it's called. It's a paper cone that you use for shading and blending. I am currently on the grid method which was very successful for me one time in 7th grade. lol But this time I hope to graduate to the non-grid method (free hand!).

Anyway, so it's Christmas Eve. I am glad it's Christmas but seeing as there are no children in our family right now, there is not much magic in Christmas either. I guess it's not about magic but that's the part that gets you excited. At least for me. My parents are going out to do some last minute shopping. I'm gonna take a shower, wrap my presents, and help my Dad set up his new laptop... I think we might go to mass tonight. We usually go to midnight mass but we're all feeling a little too tired for that. Well, actually just me and Mike! And Jess, too, I'm sure. Midnight seems a little arbitrary when it is 8pm and you have to wait 4 hours for no good reason. Although I do like the church in the darkness and the lighting of candles and just... yeah, midnight mass is really pretty and sacred. But I don't know that it's worth feeling trashed on Christmas morning!

This vacation time is going sooooooo faaaaaaast. Argh!

Remembering the dead

Here's a map showing the Iraqi police and civilian deaths during the war (as well as US and foreign troops). The numbers are pretty staggering. What's even more amazing is when you read the article about this on BBC and see that these numbers are disputed; they are thought by many to be way too low. Many believe at least 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died through poor planning and other sloppy war acts.

I'm not saying anything other than... here's a reminder of real lives that have ended and real families broken apart. I am glad the Iraqis can vote now but at this expense? Ten 'September 11ths' ? Even if it's worth it (though I do think it's a little pretentious of us to determine Iraqi lives are worth the cause without asking...), even if it's worth it, it hasn't been handled carefully or compassionately. I just really, really want a better leader.

Sudden audience

Okay I feel slightly freaked out that in the last few days, my blog URL has gone out to two massive mailing lists. Ummm. lol Maybe nobody is reading it but I suddenly feel a little violated. It may take me a few days or weeks to get back to being unguarded!

My mom and I just got back to Minnesota tonight after our long drive home. Tis good to be home. The pile of snow lining the driveway is unbelievably... vertical.

And I can breathe in a small town

I am in Meriden, Kansas at my uncle's brand new pharmacy. It is small-town inspiring; it makes you want to have your own small business venture! I guess I am attracted to that kind of independence. :)

Anyway, my Mom and I have spent the last couple days visiting (mostly) elderly people in the Topeka area. We are joking that we are the "Friendly Visitors" roving around from one nursing home to the next. We have a DVD presentation (the slideshow we just made for my Grandma's memorial mass) and little Christmas gifts and we come bringing good cheer. Hah! Seriously, it is quite entertaining. (Though I'm glad we're done. It also got a little old). This whole experience makes me think a lot about human interaction, visiting elderly people or other shut-ins, the Christmas spirit, the concept of "visiting" in general, my Mom's unique gifts and way of loving and serving people, and life and death in general (just catching up on what everyone is doing, who got married, who died, who did this, and who did that). One cool thing about the DVD is we have video footage from the 1940s (in color!! not black and white) of my Grandma when she was my age (in her 20s). We have video footage of my Grandma's wedding, and so many other cool things from the 40s and 50s. It is really amazing. How is it that so much happened in the world before I was born? lol Anyway my Grandma was an extremely beautiful woman. I think she looks like a movie star, particularly Judy Garland. Once I get back to my computer I will post a picture here.

Annnnyways. I think some other people are coming in the pharmacy right now. We're driving back to Minnesota on Wednesday. We have big plans to see lots of movies this Christmas. :) Rent, King Kong, maybe Narnia again (my family hasn't seen it), uhh can't remember the others right now. Any other recommendations?

Less than classy

OH-kay! Who besides me was less than pleased with the finale of the Apprentice tonight? I can respect the fact that Randall won. Everyone loves him, he's a Rhodes scholar and MIT grad, he's the best person ever, yada yada yada. Come on. Rebecca is articulate and has an edge. Anyway, so, I can respect Randall won. But then the Donald asked him, after winning, if he thought Rebecca should be hired, too. (Why am I telling you this? If you have any clue what I'm talking about, you must have seen it.) And the chump said no!! Total lack of class! Oh MAN! What a low blow there at the end, and there was absolutely no reason for it. Did he think it would take away from his glory? That is unbelievable. Especially since they had chosen alternate projects and therefore would have had no fight about who was doing what. Ugh. I definitely did not expect that from Mr. Nice Guy. I guess that goes to show you he does have an edge? I don't know. All I have to say is I went to the gym to watch it (still no TV... maybe never... lol) and I walked over 4.5 miles. That, my friends, makes for some sore feet. GOODnight!!

Pandora

Kyle, you are right, this site is awesome!!

Try it, everyone! lol
http://www.pandora.com/

I tried a lot of different things. I like how for one artist I like it suggested other "vocal-centric aesthetic" bands. Sweeeeeet! That's a good way to say what I like. Whoa why does my right hand hurt really bad right now? Interesting.

More on torture (are you surprised?)

I didn't set out to make this blog half about torture and half about meaningless things in my life... lol but uhh that's what it is turning into. I can't read torture news and not post about it.

I just got an email from Human Rights First. Here's an excerpt:

You might have read in the papers that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told the world last week that "the U.S. doesn't engage in torture." But how, exactly, does the White House define "torture?"

The Administration has acknowledged using tactics such as "waterboarding" and "cold cell," but still insist they don't engage in torture. With "waterboarding," interrogators make detainees believe they are being drowned; with "cold cell," interrogators put detainees in cells cooled to 50 degrees, and douse them repeatedly with cold water.

We have used generous donations from supporters like you to lead the fight in support of Senator McCain's anti-torture amendment, the outcome of which will be decided in a matter of days. As this torture debate reaches its climax, can we count on you to help us finish this battle and prepare for the next one?

Will you help us secure a ban on torture?

We will continue in 2006 to make sure torture never again happens in America's name. Whether it's our push for an independent commission to uncover the truth or our lawsuit against Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld seeking accountability, we will fight until we are certain that U.S. interrogation policies are in line with our values.

We are dedicating considerable time and resources to challenging these interrogation policies and reestablishing our nation as a champion of human rights around the world.

Is there a Christian organization working on this issue? Well I'm sure there is, but I need to find out who it is. I feel really compelled to give toward this. Why is America torturing its prisoners?! Why is it holding prisoners without cause?! Why is it barring access to prisoners?! Why why why. It's not necessary. It makes us less safe. Call me simple but THIS is simple to me. We probably create 100 terror-minded people for every one person we wrongly imprison or purposely torture. This has to stop. Do we really think ourselves that different from people that were born in other countries? Do we think ourselves that much better and less f-d up than terrorists and other criminals? Torture is not just an interrogation tactic or punishment - it is cruel vengeance. And I really believe the Lord will have his own vengeance to pay for people that engage in it. But in a democracy, to the extent that I don't speak up, I engage in it. So I have to do something...

Going to Chapel Hill because I can

So today I'm going to work from a coffee shop in Chapel Hill just because I can! Muahhaha. It just occurred to me last night that I could and so why not. I love my life these days. lol I love my work, and the flexibility, and North Carolina, and I love December, and I love that the sun is shining and it's not all that cold but that I have all the snow in the world waiting for me in Minnesota in about a week.

Okay so I inspired myself yesterday to download the whole Rascal Flatts CD. The guy's voice is so clear and upbeat. You totally have to sing along. You do not have a choice! I really love "Fast Cars and Freedom" and "Feels like Today." Optimistic a la Keith Urban. But this first song on the CD is great... called "Where You Are."

There you aaaaaare, standing strong
I'm a leaf holding on
You beliiiiiiieve like a chiiiild
In this fire running wild
Oh I love how you see right to the heart of me!

You're a waterfall, washing over me
I'm a thirsty man, let me drink you in!
Well I am on my way, you're a mountaintop
When I reach for you, your love lifts me up.
And all that I want is to be... where you aaaaaare.

I'm the frozen ground, you're the warm sunlight...
Shining down on me, baby just in time...

etc etc mushy sappy in love stuff. lol But I do love the way he sings it.

Okay I'm just waiting for my boss (uhh.. "client") John to call me back so we can call this guy in Africa together. And then when that's done, I'm out of here. :)

Award winning bro

My brother was named homebuilder of the year with our home city's National Homebuilder's Assocation.

Awwwwwwwww!!! So proud.

For a moment she isn't scared

Sarah Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well
Since the day that she fell
And the bruise, it just won't go away
So she sits and see waits with her mother and dad
and flips through an old magazine
Til the nurse with the smile, stands at the door
And says will you please come with me

Sarah Beth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white, something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you

Six chances in ten it won't come back again
With the therapy were gonna try
It's just been approved
It's the strongest there is
I think we caught it in time

Sarah Beth closes her eyes
and she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And the soft wind is blowing her hair

Sarah Beth is scared to death
As she sits holding her mom
Cause it would be a mistake
For someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom

For, just this morning right there on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
And she cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny

Sarah Beth closes her eyes
and she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
and her very first love was holding her close
and the soft wind is blowing her hair

It's quarter to seven
That boy's at the door
And her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap
They all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had been
Softly, she touches just skin

They go dancing around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love is holding her close
For a moment she isn't scared...

(Rascal Flatts, "Skin")

Aslan and friends

Tonight a big group of us went to go see Narnia (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe). I didn't have super high hopes for it, well sorta, but I had heard it was mediocre. And even though I was interested in the Christian themes, well let's just say I wasn't taking a fanatical approach.

However...

IT WAS AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING! I'll just leave it at that because I don't want to get your hopes high, but I just truly loved it. One of my friends next to me, who actually is very angry with God and all of that, just cried and cried like a baby. Actually he also shouted "Lord Jesus makes all things new!" and spoke in tongues. lol But I'm telling you, it has that kind of effect. What an incredible, unexplainable portrayal of sacrificial love. Wow. Whatever you believe about Aslan and Jesus and all the rest, just go see it and be open to it. It might speak to you in some less obvious or less classifiable way. And, oh yeah, the graphics were amazing. I don't know how you could have improved upon it.

No access/monitoring for Red Cross

US Blocks ICRC Access to Suspects

Un-be-lievable.

The ICRC wants access to all foreign terror suspects held by the US "in undisclosed locations".

"The dialogue continues on the question. We would like to obtain information and access to them," ICRC spokesman Florian Westphal said on Thursday.

Human rights groups say there is no way of knowing whether detainees being held in secret are being tortured.

On her visit to Europe, Condoleezza Rice has repeatedly denied that the US tortures prisoners.

Condie. Come on now. Is she being duped into defending America or does she know the lies she is speaking? My... goodness! Words are pretty meaningless, as this article shows. We don't want to hear anymore that the US does not torture. Ughhhhh. I can't take these articles coming out day after day after day.

America is going down a very dangerous path. It mostly just makes me very sad and worried.

Cold Mountain / Warm Fire

I love the movie Cold Mountain. I really do. I'm only thinking of that cause I'm listening to the soundtrack. Which I always feel slightly bad about since I ripped it unknowingly off a co-worker's CD. Eee. But that guilt aside, I absolutely love this CD. And it's cold out. And I feel like watching it right now with just the light of a fireplace. And being all cuddled up and good things like that. That would be nice... I really wish that's what I were doing right now.

No TV. lol No fireplace. Etc. Gotta work on that TV thing at some point. And, yeah.

But in actuality, I am excited because do you know what tonight is? Yes! The second-to last Apprentice!! I have been rooting for Rebecca from the beginning so I am so excited that she made it to (dun, dun, dunnn!) The Final Two! She's so bright and articulate. Diana told me she did really bad one night but I missed that episode, so I still think she's awesome.

Now at this point, you may be asking, I thought you didn't have a TV? Very good! lol But hopefully Amanda will get home in time so I can watch it over there. Yeahhh! If not I will have to just go work out and watch the TV there. Hah! Anything for the Apprentice.

The Mind

The mind is a strange animal. lol Not that I'm starting a treatise, but ya know, it really is.

Lately I have been frustrated with my mind. I'm relatively intelligent, and yet, if you knew my mind, you would be shocked... Nothing is ever clear. Everything is always fuzzy and unclear. I am unable to conceive of any concept in its entirety. I can never simplify or conclude a topic in my head. I also have a bad memory. So when someone asks me a question, or when I put a question to myself, then a messy amalgamation of random thoughts, experiences, words, good feelings, doubts, and the like come rushing at me. I could say A, but then I could say B. I could say 1, but it is opposed by recollection 2. Either way I can never be totally certain of anything. For all I know, we are living in the matrix and it is not just a movie. For all I know…

It's crazy. But then there are sometimes when I stop the questions and stop thinking and it is easy (much easier) to come to answers and conclusions. The whole thing is very mysterious. I do believe in intution. I do believe we have an intuitive sense of what's right, and maybe more importantly (maybe similarly), what's REAL.

Anyway, that concludes today's treatise on the mind!

I just realized something. I am leaving town for Christmas a week from tomorrow. The gift I want to make for my Dad will take exactly one week to finish. I HAVE TO GO NOW! It's a special painted piece of pottery. I HAVE to get him this cause he broke the other one I made him a couple years ago and he really did love that thing. In fact, he still has it on his desk even though it's broken. lol So I have an idea for a new one and need to GET ON IT!

Opening the lines

1. It is crazy living within 50 yards of my friends. It is like college. It is like "playing life", not really living it. Things feel kind of pretendish in a very fun way. Tonight Curt and Drew put together multiple pieces of furniture for me which took multiple hours and which I thanked them for multiple times. Then Amanda came over too, we had pizza, and we "Christmasified" the apartment! Say it like Chris-MIS-uh-fide. lol

2. I am loving being here in North Carolina and (ooh I should update my profile) and what's funny is I have this feeling like I have to a lot to do quickly... like I have to really seize the day, almost like I'm just visiting. Then it hits me: I REALLY LIVE HERE! And I will be here for the long haul. Well, at least the Lord-willing-kinda-immediate long haul. lol It's insane. I said this to my Mom and she said I've been on the move so much lately it just feels like I'm still traveling. She must be right. It's a bit of a shock to the system to get to settle in.

3. Tomorrow Curt and I are going to a ... meeting? worship time? fellowship? informal service? ... in the morning. I'm glad for it because, well, here's the deal. I'm here for a church plant, right? Problem is, I'm quite unspiritual and not doing a good job of following Jesus these days. I actually came here because if being a Christian meant living the usual Christian life in America, to the extent that such a thing exists, then I would just fail. I am bored with Christianity, and bored with Christ, AS he is expressed collectively (or not expressed) in that context. So, in a way, in a very real way, this move is somewhat selfish. If I can't experience Jesus in spontaneous, real community, then I certainly can't experience Him in morning devotions, or other acts of quiet obedience. I mean I guess I would experience Him, but not often, or so it seems. And not in the richest ways. Anyway, back to my original point, I'm glad for going to be with other believers tomorrow morning because, strangely, everyone seems to be viewing me as super spiritual or just... yeah... since they heard the words "church plant." They don't understand this is a church for church drop-outs!! I've effectively dropped out of Christianity and church as we know it. I can't do it and frankly I'm just not even interested anymore. So this is the experiment. This is being true to myself. It feels a little like laziness, it feels a little like hard work, it feels just... like there's HOPE! So tomorrow is a first taste. We're not actually going to be joining any group, per se, but this is just a way to be with other believers in the area.

To be perfectly totally honest, and to stop talking about the social aspect of all this for a moment, what I'm really thinking about is talking with God. Talking with the Lord. I've kind of put up a wall of silence. I still pray desperation prayers, when things are crazy. I'm relieved to know that prayer is my impulse in desperate circumstances, but it's not a relationship, you know? I'm feeling that once you put up a wall of silence with God, it's hard to take that wall back down. It's a process, anyway... it's not overnight cause it's a habit you have to get back into. He's real. If he's real and has a name and a spirit and a mind (or whatever ya call it :) and a personality and all of that... if he's real, then what he did in history is real, and he wants to hear from me, and talk to me. No thundering voices out of the clouds, but just... sensing. I guess it must seem hokey but it's faith. And my soul tells me when things are silent with heaven and tense... versus when things are open and calm. So, yeah. That's my prayer over the next few months. Open up and talk to Him again. He takes us back like we never went away. I think He understands time and is less hung up about it then even we are. Getting to that conclusion just now is what I needed to articulate for myself tonight... He is not hung up on time away quite the way I am. He is like none other, in fact...

Don't want to celebrate another Christmas totally absent of reflection, totally absent of ... yeah.

Anyway, time for bed. More soon.

Rural photography online exhibit!

Okay, well, I went to photograph the horses and cow-goat creatures (still can't figure out what they are), but a couple things happened. Basically, when they got to a point that they were actually grazing on the side of the hill I could see, they were so far away and my camera is so bad at capturing things at a distance, that, yeah, you can just hardly see anything! Which is very unfortunate! I suppose I should have climbed over the fence but I'm not all trying to be the horse papparazzi or anything. It's enough that I brought my camera on a rural road, I don't think I need to be breaking laws in addition to that.

So, here are a few highlights:

Do you see the horses and stuff, or is it just me? This is my camera fully zoomed in, I'm sad to say.

Pretty, eh?

You know you live in the country WHEN... you see fine art like this. :)

If you want, you can view lots more photos, including some of my very messy yet spacious apartment.

Horses and other farm creatures

I decided to take a walk today around my apartment building area. I only had to go one block north to find that WE LIVE BY A FARM!! There is a huge green hill with horses, and calves, I think, but they have such long ears that they look like goats. Do goats have long ears? Haven't figured it out yet. Lucky for you, tomorrow morning I'm going back with my camera and you will see everything I am talking about.

I feel like I live in the country, kinda, and I LOVE IT! Woohoo. I mean we don't really, but to have that so close by? Can ya tell I'm done with big city life for a couple years or so?!

The horses picked their heads up and looked at me when I walked by. That was cute. You gotta wonder what's going on inside their horsey little heads.

You know how when you haven't exercised for awhile, you have all this pent up energy? Well, I haven't exercised for awhile, and that's what I had. So I started running. I mean I didn't really go that far, but I was run-ning. lol It was to the point that when I stopped, my legs kinda kept going because of the natural momentum. So now I'm really sore, or maybe will be tomorrow. The sun is setting... time for my shower. Hah!

Tonight I WILL, must, definitely come up with my December goals. No... more... excuses!

Coffee.

Does anyone else find it _amazing_ that you can set your coffeemaker timer, go to bed, wake up at 8 or whenever, and have just-brewed coffee waiting for you?

This is fairly new for me. HOW AMAZING!!

Movin' right along...

It's funny, because for several weeks or maybe more, I have been subconsciously imagining all that would happen from my Dad coming to DC, to packing up and moving, to him leaving, and me staying here in my new place with my new apartment and my new friends and my new dreams and my new challenges and my new frontier. The one thing I could never foresee was how it would all feel in my gut, once things started to settle down and I began to settle in.

Thankfully, my gut says YAY. :)

Moving here to North Carolina was definitely the right next step for me. I had to make this change, and everything is this exciting new FIRST! The biggest grace of the whole situation is that this decision almost made itself, or maybe it just seems like that in retrospect, maybe it was harder than I remember, but definitely all the odds and ends in my life were wrapping up and pointing me in this direction. It seems like that's how God's will should work, so I have to give credit to Him for that, because it's much more common to hear people trying to figure out what they should do and totally struggling with any sense of direction from on high. (Is giving God credit for something pretentious? lol It's the same as giving glory, right? So, mad props to tha Lord. : )

I am currently lying on the floor in the living room... facing the balcony doors which are streaming in sunlight, and the Christmas tree I just put up last night, though it doesn't have any decorations on it yet. The floor is pretty much a total mess with pieces of wood and nails and screws and tools. I have four more pieces of furniture together, and can I just say I SUCK at putting stuff together?! The latest thing I tried around midnight last night was a little two-drawer file cabinet. Because one particular screw type thing is being uncooperative, the whole thing actually slants if you push it. lol I gotta start over or something. I dunno. The desk and the big bookcase, I'm not sure that I will even try. The easy bookcase (that I just took apart) would be fine for me except that I can't find the bag of screws for that one. Hah! Everything is slower right now, takes longer to find, longer to do. The main thing I accomplished yesterday was cleaning and organizing the kitchen. Everything is put away and very, very happy. I quite like my apartment!!

Last night Curt, Drew, Amanda, and I went out to dinner at this pub in downtown Raleigh. It was our celebration dinner, for all of us being here. They are really fun conversationalists, I have to say... especially Drew who is indeed very well read and is a bit like a walking Wikipedia. And Curt is so sincere and caring that you feel very valued. Same thing with Amanda, and she can be pretty funny. I think things are off to a great start.

Today I'm gonna throw out all the trash and boxes in here, do a little more shopping, create a work calendar and goals, and see if I can find a gym in the area.

YES

I got one idea that I'm especially psyched out of my mind about. You know, it's one of those ideas where you're just like............. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-my favorite line from the movie Elf. i guess you have to see it to fully appreciate.

HAH! This movie is funny.

S n o w !

It's snowinggggggggggggggggg!

First snow of the season!!!!!!! Ohhh glory. Glorrrrrrious.. My glorious... and all you ever do... is change the old for new: PEOPLE!!!!!! We be-lieve that God.. is bigger than..

ok, no, back to the snow.

It's so pretty and Thanksgiving eve? Muy happy.

Chavez helps US poor people

Whoa! This is unbelievable. I don't know what to make of it yet:

Venezuela's Chavez to Offer Help to U.S. Poor

Wow. Oil and profits, kinda sorta used for good... but also being wielded as diplomatic power. Not sure what to think.

The Future and the Present

Do you ever really think about your future? Your life and inevitable death? Will you die a quick death... a slow, painful death... or a beautiful painless death with all your loved ones surrounding you? Who in your family will die way before their time? Here, I'll make this personal, cause these really are my questions. Will I marry someone, and if so will it be soon or many years from now? How many kids will I have and will they look a lot like me? How many careers or fields will I venture into, things I never thought I'd do? Things I can't even imagine myself doing in my mind right now. Are there any things that I'll never try but have an unspeakable gift for - like drawing or painting, playing the violin or drums, quickly picking up a certain foreign language, easily breaking the code to cure a disease or solve a massive problem of diplomacy? What bandwagons will I jump on, and why? What will be the next thing to make me cry uncontrollably, as I haven't done since I was a kid, or laugh so hard that I pee my pants? Ha. What friends will I make that right now, I've never met, but someday I won't be able to imagine living without? So many questions about so many unlived years... What prompts these questions is that in so many ways, I am blessed and really happy. But things could change drastically in a minute. One bad phone call, one fall, one bomb, one thing... and everything will change. Not necessarily for the worse, but those things are easier to imagine!

But then I think about the present. It's like that old Van Halen video, with all the words going across the screen, reminding us what a big, wide world we're apart of. Right now someone is having a baby, and right now someone just watched their baby die in their arms. Right now, somewhere, a village is getting clean water from a well for the first time ever. Right now a person is so thirsty they are indeed dying. Right now someone just wrote their first song, someone just baked their first batch of cookies, took their first step. Right now someone took their last step ever, just said goodbye to a friend who will never again come back into their life. Right now someone got their dream job. Right now someone just found out they lost their job. Right now someone is murdering, and someone is being murdered, senselessly, another victim of human passion and rage. Right now someone is sitting behind the wheel of a car driving, and someone is in a canoe, and someone is skiing on one of the world's tallest mountains. Right now someone is falling down. Right now someone is so high that its illegal! Right now more than 6 billion different souls are inhabiting one world. So much goes on every minute, every right now. You should try this little mental exercise sometime. It's has an effect similar to what you feel after listing out the things you're thankful for... makes you rest in awe and smallness. When you're this small, nothing is quite so scary or lonely or stressful. And all the good things that come your way feel like love and life.

Amanda and Julia, a couple weeks ago

Me with Amanda, my new best friend in NC!, and Julia, my really good amazing friend here in DC. This is from the exploratory trip I took a few weeks ago...and now, we are 5 days away from moving day.

I planned this week totally around social time and packing. It only occurred to me late last night that I also am supposed to be logging 20 hours this week for work. Yikes! Don't know how that got out of my mind but in all my slacking, it somehow did. :)

This past weekend was, hmm... let's call it the Wheaton Friends Marathon. It started with dinner Friday night, and included an ad hoc sleepover, the Homeless Walkathon in DC, lunch at a Bolivian restaurant, shopping and other ways of killing time at the mall, and the new Harry Potter movie!!!!! I love my college friends. They are the greatest. [sigh]

PS. There are more NC photos on my Flickr. Can I just say I LOVE Flickr? When you start exploring around, you found the most amazing, amazing photos from all around the world. Everyday they pick the 5 best. It's just incredible. You can download (for free) big versions of them too (think desktop backgrounds and the like).

Starts With Goodbye

My moving song has been identified!!! OK this is actually written as a break-up song.. uhh.. but let's pretend it's Jenny's moving song.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side
I guess it's gonna bring me down
Like falling when you try to fly
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye...

I know there's a blue horizon
Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me
Getting there means leaving things behind
Sometimes life's so bittersweet

I guess it's gonna have to hurt...
But sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye.

(Starts With Goodbye, Carrie Underwood)

Cool eee ohhh

Hey! What ever happened to Coolio? lol

"C u when you get therrrrrre... c u when you get theeeere..."

"on a faaaantastic voyage..."

"gotta gotta get up to get down... gotta gotta get up to get down "

I mean, this man brought us all the classics of the mid-90s!

Actually the songs kinda give me bad memories in a way. lol But he hadn't crossed my mind for forever until today.

Laptops for children

The Washington Post featured the MIT $100 Laptop initiative today, and I just want to say I think it's very cool and very creative. How cool would it be to distribute these to children in the poorest places on the earth, and teach them all kinds of things, including how to type, surf the web, and write essays! Man, I just think it is soooo cool.

Thanksgiving shoes

Sandi (my boss's wife, my friend, and my adopted aunt) and I went shopping yesterday. I was looking for shoes. Never found any (I hate shoe shopping!!). But we coined a new term:

Thanksgiving shoes. tha[ng](k)s-'gi-vi[ng] shooz. Noun.
Exceedingly comfortable shoes, as such that you may wear around your house, porch, and backyard on the Thanksgiving holiday while lounging with family. Typically come in neutral colors such as brown, beige, grey, or possibly calming shades of green or blue.

All I like buying and wearing are Thanksgiving shoes. : ) Down with heels!

Colorado

So I'm staying at The Broadmoor in Colorado Springs. There is no way to overestimate or exaggerate the grandeur of this place. It is a 5 star, 5 diamond resort with 1600 employees and 700 rooms. 14 restaurants. Lots of buildings with a lake and a footbridge in between. This place DEFINES "nestled in the mountains." It's so close to the Rockies that you can't see Pike's Peak only because the foothills are blocking it when you're this close.

This... is... INSANE. And really wonderful in a lot of ways.

But if you know me, you know that money is a huge hang-up for me in terms of my faith and I'm not sure how to explain that except to say, God made me in a way that when I am near lots of wealth and luxury, I start to feel really guilty. I can mostly enjoy it, but I just think of the lavishness and decadence and feel very.... reflective about it all. My friend Susan (hi Susan!! :) was here with me last night, which was awesome, and we were saying how we love to enjoy this but it's a little scary to get used to it. You have to remember this isn't normal. Most of the world lives in poverty and here I drop $20 just in tips just to get from the airport into my hotel room.

Anyway, the first night I was here, the hotel gave me a 3-tiered tray of cheese and crackers, fruit, and chocolates. Oh and two glasses and fancy schmancy water. We thought it was gonna taste amazing but it was just water. hehe. Anyway that was incredible. (I think it was to thank me for being in the role of group coordinator.) And tonight I came into my room (... I'm getting to a point with all this, so stick with me) and there was, well the usual covers turned down, chocolates on the white sheets, robes laying across the bed. But also I got a gift basket from one of our Board members, the one who lives here and is hosting this. Anyway, it was an amazing, amazing gift basket full of stuff. But I guess what really got me was his letter inside. He thanked me for the friendship and said he was glad or honored or something, to work alongside me "as we seek to give help to the poor and hope to the lost." (Which, btw, surprisingly is what this meeting and this organization is all about.)

What hit me about that is not so much this weekend and this hotel, but I have recently forgotten that as a Christ-follower my life is not about ME. It is not about looking out for me. Obviously God has got that MORE than taken care of! But lately in all my starting my own business and moving stuff, I have focused so much on looking out for numero uno. When I think about projects or potential clients, all I can think about is making a good income off of it. And I think about how much I'll have to get to have any furniture at all in my apartment. In one way I can be detached from all that and be so content, but other times I worry that I am a materialist. Blah. Well again, the point is, it's not about me. And I felt really convicted reading that, like... why is my mind so focused on ensuring my own livelihood in the world? It's a somewhat natural thought but I just want to be freed from it, to whatever degree is reasonable. I want to think again about how I can help other people. I don't want to live off of all the built up cynicism about the problem being too big, or the people being too deceitful or complex, or whatever else keeps me away from opening my life to people in need.

I want to hang on really loosely not only to my possessions, but also to my WANTS (which have an even greater hold over me) and to my THOUGHTS OF MYSELF. These things can really enslave. I want to be free to have luxury or have nothing at all. And I want to enjoy luxury without guilt, and poverty without fear. Everything has a season, right? Pride doesn't fit into the equation.

Anyway... enough of my twisted mind. I am really so happy to be here. This is the best Board meeting we have had, I can tell already. Maybe it's just that I feel really at peace about it. When I got to this place, I just said... wow, the headache was all worth it. Dealing with the print nazi woman. lol Frustrating non-responses from people, etc. Today I have the ideal job. And I am really thankful.

Science and poetry

I like this quote:

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Paul Dirac

It's interesting. So this guy thinks poetry is more about telling people what they already know, but in subtle or mysterious ways? I guess I could agree or disagree with that. I like the quote though. I don't know if poets are so much trying to say something in a way that is difficult to understand, as they're just saying things in the most raw and personal way, and if that takes some time the translation process (from one unique soul to another) then you could call that not understandable... but it's actually very clear in a way.

And to add another layer to this thought, my Dad said (and i think he heard from someone) the belief that we can't really tell someone anything that they don't already know. In other words, the person you're telling must have already grasped the truth of what you're saying. They have to be ready to receive it, in a way. The space for the new idea or thought has already been made. I don't know what I think about that but I like that idea too.

Too good to be true

NO way! Can it be true? Kaine won?!! It has been so long since Democrats have won anything substantial that I really didn't see the possibility... lol

I'M HAPPY! I really like this guy. YEAH for renewed hope in politics. Let the proverbial pendulum begin swinging!

And for you Republican friends of mine out there, I have no sympathy for you! lol Your monopoly of power must end! I love you but... I need my five minutes of joy here. Thank you.

Magical Movie

You have to see this movie. It is so magical and inspiring. Diana and I watched it last night... I really, really loved it. That's all I have to say about that. Go to your nearest Hollywood Video or Blockbuster or what have you and rent it tonight!

This kid sees saints from throughout the ages. He hangs out with them. lol He knows their exact birth and death dates. Anyway here is a picture of Claire of Assisi who hangs out with him in his refrigerator box fort in a field. hehe. Yes, she is smoking. Apparently you can do that in heaven.

PS. I recommend putting on subtitles. It may be English, but I'm still slow with the British accent. lol You'll catch a lot more this way.

What a sicko.

Cheney Fights for Detainee Policy (Washington Post, today)

Over the past year, Vice President Cheney has waged an intense and largely unpublicized campaign to stop Congress, the Pentagon and the State Department from imposing more restrictive rules on the handling of terrorist suspects, according to defense, state, intelligence and congressional officials...

...Just last week, Cheney showed up at a Republican senatorial luncheon to lobby lawmakers for a CIA exemption to an amendment by Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) that would ban torture and inhumane treatment of prisoners. The exemption would cover the CIA's covert "black sites" in several Eastern European democracies and other countries where key al Qaeda captives are being kept.

So, I don't know why I keep blogging on detainne policy and torture. I didn't set out to do it, but this stuff really, really, really, really bothers me. It gets me angry enough to sign in and post. What is the possible rationale for fighting for the right to torture detainees at secret prisons in Eastern Europe? To make us safer? This policy itself is making us infinitely less safe because it angers, provokes, threatens, frustrates, annoys, and insults other nations, and it undermines all that we are trying to do (stand up for freedom and human dignity). You cannot pave the way for human dignity by abusing humans.

I've also been following, to some degree, what's happening at Guantanomo. Have you been reading about Jumah Dossari? Most recent suicide attempt, out of 36 that have occurred. None of the suicide attempts have been successful. Most of the 500 detainees at Gitmo have not been charged with a crime. Many have been held in solitary confinement 24/7 for multiple years.

I am all for upholding justice and cracking down on crime and putting an end to terrorism. But perpetuating injustice makes us very, very unsafe.

Who We Are

It doesn't really matter what you wear - let the people stare, cause we are who we are who we are who we are. It doesn't really matter what car you drive - it's good to be alive. Yeah, we are who we are who we are who we are - we are.

(Hope Partlow, Who We Are)

Forgotten?

The Forgotten of Africa:
Wasting Away in Jails without Trial

What an outrage. I am so glad a major newspaper is covering this.

At Muala Prison in Malawi, the prisoners sleep on the floor, so tightly packed they cannot turn except en masse. Some cells hold 160 prisoners.

Never not anything

When I was working full-time, I was pretty much 9 to 5. When I was done with work, I was done with work, and I played. I liked it. Now, I set my own goals and hours. Let me just put it this way:

There's never not something to do!

Always there's something on my computer to do (expenses, website, brochures, make contacts, stay up on email, etc.) Always there's a mess in my room that needs cleaning up. I'm not complaining at all. I could not be any more happy about my new self-employed status. I think it is turning out to be an AMAZING fit for my flexiblity-loving personal work style. I guess this is more of a sanity call to myself, because between the career shift and preparing to move to another state, it's easy to feel that the work is never-ending. Work I really, really enjoy but still neverending. I guess I am just saying it makes sense given the circumstances.

I keep fighting the urge to start packing. It's not that I want to get out of here, cause I'm not in a rush to leave (it's sad, y'know?) and I definitely don't want to be living out of boxes for a month. But I think it will help me get organized, and in fact maybe even free up some space? Hmm. It's not a bad idea. I might start packing up books and out-of-season clothes tomorrow.

I like this moving in November thing. lol It seems like such a good time of year to move. No sweltering heat. No mad rush on free boxes.

Signs of health

5 Signs of a Growing Christian...

Connecting in big and small groups. This is Fellowship.
Growing in grace and truth. This is Discipleship.
Giving everything to God. This is Worship.
Reaching out in every way God nudges us. This is Evangelism.
Serving as the least of these to even the least of these. This is Ministry.

Just read this from the pastor at the church I was part of in Minnesota. I really liked it... I like getting away from narrow understandings of worship and ministry (and everything else).

Tip for writers

"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."

Mark Twain

Sesame seeds

What is the point of sesame seeds?

Anyone? Anyone? Beuler...?

She's Somebody's Hero

This song makes me cry! It is so beautiful. Actually what I like is the depiction of totally selfless love, and the fact that the end is a picture of my mom. When my mom cares for elderly people in her life... I just have to say there is nothing more beautiful in the entire world. She is like this just... love embodied, when she visits with or cares for elderly people. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game
She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride, around the world,
No, she's just your everyday average girl but

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all she needs
The keeper of the cheerios
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

She didn't get a check every week like a nine-to fiver
But she's been a waiter, and a cook and a taxi driver
For twenty years, there at home, until the day her girl was grown
Giving all her love to her was her life's ambition
But now her baby's movin' on, and she'll soon be missin' her
But not today, those are tears of joy runnin' down her face

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her daughter in her wedding dress
She gave her wings to leave the nest
It hurts to let her baby go down the aisle she walks right by
Looks back into her mother's eyes
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

Thirty years have flown right past
Her daughters' starin' at all the photographs
Of her mother, and she wishes she could be like that
Oh, but she already is

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her mother in a rockin' chair
She runs a brush through her silver hair
The envy of the nursing home
She drops by every afternoon
Feeds her mama with a spoon
And that smile lets her know
Her mother's smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

(Jamie O'Neal, Somebody's Hero)

Backdrop for a good day

I just went for a bike ride - the first one in months - along our bike path. On the way back, I stopped at a couple of those little exercise/stretching stations... you know where they have you touch you toes or walk on your hands and other contortionist positions. : ) Well anyway, it is like 60 degrees and sunny this November 2. I laid down on this tilted board bench, and smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiled. It is a gloriously beautiful day. I stared at the blue sky for as long as possible. I contemplated whether I was actually able to see atoms bouncing around, or just dust particles reflecting light. Either way it is a magical and perfect day outside.

What did you expect?

MoveOn and the left in general are infuriated about Alito. Did they really think Harriet Miers' withdrawl would lead to a more neutral Supreme Court Justice? I'm shocked that they are shocked. I even like Move On... but they mobilized a huge anti-Harriet campaign and now they're mobilizing a huge anti-Alito campaign. We have a Republican as our President. I hate to just lay down and die, but come on... he is going to nominate people that he likes. I get grumpy with groups that only seem to advance a negative agenda. I'm sure they don't feel they have a lot of choice, but endlessly bashing Bush is only going to make Americans more annoyed with the left! PLEASE! Be positive. Think of ideas. Advance possibilities. Create viable options and vocalize them. You're obviously good at grassroots organizing, so you can do this!

Why don't I get emails saying "We are campaigning for this person as a good neutral choice for Supreme Court" or "We have this workable plan for mitigating the harms of being in Iraq." Nope. I don't get those emails. Is anyone sending them? Or are we all just way too cynical that we have any effect on these decisions? (That's a cop-out - I wouldn't be getting anti-Miers and anti-Alito emails unless somewhere deep inside the oppressed and sorrowful little Democratic heart, there lies hope of creating change in a Republican-controlled nation.)

PS. I'm also sad about the lack of women on the Supreme Court. Down to one? In 2005, it is just plain embarassing.

More and more gray

The older I get, the more gray space there seems to be in the world. Or maybe it's just that I see it more for what it is. Or maybe it's actually black and white and my growing up and growing cynicism are making black and white things seem gray. But whatever is happening, I just find that the more I know, the more I can see things from both (or multiple) perspectives. My mind never feels like it has a grasp on a situation or a problem because there are so many layers to it. Take for example, a professional conflict that is occurring among my colleagues right now. I see both sides very clearly, to the extent of agreeing with both. (And don't think, oh I agree with person A about this point, and person B about that point. No. I agree with them both about the first point, and agree with them both about the second. Seeing it from their perspective, they are right.) I also see a third perspective that says the questions themselves are wrong, and even more obscurity clouds my view. I am cursed to this "the questions themselves are wrong" thinking from a class lecture once where we talked about "the powers and principalities of darkness" that control this age. It's not just that evil works through people or circumstances in a linear and identifiable way. It's that evil slowly and cleverly affects the entire system of the world (politics, relationships, communities, everything) so that the entire system itself is flawed.

In other words, instead of asking "are lazy people or lack of economic opportunity to blame for poverty?" ... maybe the answer is neither A nor B, but is rather "poverty is not the central problem i should be focusing on." Well that's a bad example, hmm. Or maybe the answer is "poverty is a myth" or "poverty betrays something basic about communities or people." This is a terrible example, but you see what I mean by asking the wrong question? Who cares who we blame - why are we even talking about it!

There is going to be no clean conclusion to this post because this seems to be my world now - no conclusions. That's the point: all is gray! What can a girl cling to that is pure black or pure white? Very little in this world meets that standard... whether it's a situation or a human heart.

Ummm

So after replaying the story in my mind of the last time I saw my black pants, I went out to my car, in the darkness, proudly wearing my cloud pajama pants... hahaha... and there in a white bag lay my black pants. The moral of the story:

I will not freak out over little things.
I will not freak out over little things.
I will not freak out over little things.

I feel like this was someone's twisted way of getting me to clean my room. lol Well it worked!! Arrrr.

Crunched for space

Okay, I just need to say that I am getting more than a little pissed off and frustrated at the total lack of space in my room. It is primarly that my work stuff is totally un-organizeable due to lack of desk and file space, and I have NO clue what is in my closet due to a freaking narrow and long closet. Argh!! I mean, I only have one pair of black pants and I really need to wear them tomorow because I only have ONE suit jacket type thing and IT is black, and yet I can't find my pants anywhere. I know that my problems are very small, that I am very fortunate, etc. But what good is a blog if not to yell into the internet abyss: WHERE THE HELL CAN I PUT MY THINGS!!!!!!!!! Ahh. :(

Okay I'm over it. Things are looking up for me now. lol

I guess I have too many clothes and too many papers, but the problem is not even being able to see them all to figure out what I should keep or get rid of. Soon I will have more space, and I will feel bad that I complained about this apartment because it was a good home for me, but really, enough is enough. I feel very ineffective as not only a working "consultant,".. a worker.. but also as a person who must dress herself!! Gahhhhh.

John Edwards... real hope for America

Edwards Works on Possible Bid in 2008

Please, people. For the love of all that is good and pure in this world! Consider voting for John Edwards! I love this man. lol Seriously though. He would be an amazing, inspiring, and competent leader.

Collage - ha

So, I realize that this may freak out most people, and it also may start to seem like I have this crazy eye fixation... but I really don't. Just having some good fun with that which is Photoshop. More freaky pictures (not involving just eyes) are on the way. Muahaha.

Friday night art

Nothing like fake bangs, a digital camera, and Photoshop to make a Friday night all it should be and more! Hehehe.

Little women chatting

Funniest thing ever. So, I'm sitting at Panera, like on the booth side of a table along the fireplace where the other side is a chair. I guess you didn't need to know that. But right next to me are two little girls. I guessed they were 7 years old, and indeed I have just confirmed that. They are sitting across from each other. One is black, and one is white. They are both wearing their plaid school uniforms with a pressed white shirt underneath, black tights, and black mary-janes. One of the girl's mothers is sitting at the next table with them. They are having hot chocolate and a cookie.

Anyway, what's so funny and amazing about these little ladies, is that they are having the most adultlike conversation you have ever heard. They've discussed everything from what they think of Scotland, to what they liked about various films, to the characteristics of their parents ("oh my mom said that? that's my mom for you..." lol). I mean it is so hilarious. This older couple just sat down to the other side of me, and they are looking over and smiling and saying "that is so adorable." And so then I started talking to their Mom. And then I asked them lots of questions where I confirmed they are 7, but one is 6 months older than the other, and they are best friends, and they go to St. James Catholic which is just a couple blocks up the road, and one just had a Halloween party at school and she's stuffed, and the other one said "well we didn't have a Halloween party today so I don't know what she's talking about!" etc.

I am not doing a good job of relating how cute this is but let me tell you ... CUTE!

Exercise an open mind

I really like this article:
How to exercise an open mind
Gets funnier as you read it.

Streeeeetching

Stretching is my favorite part of exercising. After going for a walk or a jog or doing whatever, you know how your muscles are all scrunched up and tight? When I stretch, I imagine the muscle.. okay.. stretching out.. is there another word I can use? lol Expanding.. little by little.. and it seems to me, at least in my mind, that as the molecules are pulled apart, one by one (actually billions by billions), that these little sparks are unleashed. Little bursts of light and energy released into my bloodstream. Hence feeling so good right after stretching. :)

I'd like to see the science behind this, as far as the releasing of bursts of happy chemicals. Let me know if you find it online. I guess it could be something as simple as endorphins, but what I am saying is something specifically released from a muscle as it stretches. Okay.. so.. yeah.

A cute goodbye email I just got from an office in Africa

WE are very sad that you are going from us indrectly. We will miss you alot. We were very pleased with the time we had together. You were more then a theacher to us. We learned so many good things from you.
You were very prompt in responding to problems and requests. We enjoyed working with you. We pray that you still work closely with ---to get this office going.
We will aways keep in touch.
---

Awwww :) I feel loved.

Elizabethtown

Just saw Elizabethtown, and it really was pretty bad. Man. The writing was just horrible. A couple of things were really good and I did cry in a couple parts (who was expecting that?) but it wasn't in touch with reality. I don't like movies that are unrealistic in their dialogue. I just think - what am I supposed to do with this? It does not relate to real circumstances.

But one exchange I really liked. I kept hearing the preview on the radio where he says "There's something special about you." And she says "That's because I'm one of a kind." And I always thought that was it. But in the movie, there's a line that comes after that that changes everything. He says "You don't have to make jokes. I like you without the jokes." And she just... lets that stand and looks him in the eyes. It is really the best part, not that there was much competition for that honor. hahah.

Chocolate Ranking

Did you know that the US ranks #11 for countries that consume the most chocolate? Frankly, that shocks me! And I'm sure this is not the right response, but makes me want to go out and get some chocolate. lol I can't believe we Americans consume only half as much as the Swiss. That's just plain crazy.

Now what do I do?

Let it be known that at 3pm today, my ipod that I have had for several years officially maxed out for what I believe is the first time.

Now what? :)

since feeling is first

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

-ee cummings

Good Coffee... an art or a science?

Why can I never seem to make the right balance of coffee grounds with hot water in our coffee maker? lol It is always way too strong or way too weak, and usually too strong. Here's what I'm wondering: does it taste the same if you have mild coffee with a little bit of milk, as if you have super strong coffee 50/50 with milk? Just curious. hahaha. I am trying option B right now.

I think my problem is a combination of not putting the filter in right (it's a liiiiiiittle tiny filter) and not measuring it right, either.

Anyway, I had the most random dream last night. I was at Disney World, and I had met this girl who was a new friend, and we decided we were gonna go swimming. So I changed into my swimsuit, and went out to find her. I think we were staying in a hotel. Anyway, we got our signals mixed because she meant going swimming in the hotel pool and I thought she meant in Disney World somewhere. Now I have never been there which made the dream crazy - apparently my subconscious has very vivid ideas about what Disneyworld looks like! I got on some outdoor elevated train, and it was just the conductor and me. Actually it kinda felt like being just in a van, but it was definitely a train, almost like a train that takes you between airport terminals. We were driving from one attraction to the next and I finally realized she must have meant to meet her back at the hotel, not out and about. I asked the guy how long the loop was and he said about an hour. (That must be from the weekend because we were talking about city loops and length of time. We inadvertently drove the whole Raleigh beltline.) Anyway, he seemed a little annoyed with me, but the day was so beautiful and everything was so happy there. I woke up before I found her.

Thoughts flashing incoherently like primetime commercials

Yeah, so I changed the look a little. More green, less dark. We'll see how long this lasts. Hey, if anyone knows a site to get normal, yet creative blogskins, please lemme know!

I just returned from the North Carolina exploratory trip, as it's affectionately been called, and it was an awesome weekend. Julia, a friend of mine from college, and I went down there. I'll post photos here when she forwards them. I guess I was most content in the fact that everyone we spent time with, all our various friends, new and old, from different life connections, are amazing people, and.. yeah. It's all about the QT.* I am way excited about moving. Well, actually I have the whole array of mixed emotions that tend to visit someone preparing for a big life change.

My thoughts are scattered. I don't feel like I have a grasp on all that's going on...

She took the midnight train going anywhere...
...is a lyric from a Journey song that entered one of my dreams the other night.

Aztec hot chocolate
...is in our pantry, and is delicious, and left a thick syrup in the bottom of my mug.

My roommate is in Florida
...on an extremely random but exciting job interview.

Papers
...still cover my floor even though I meant to finish organizing by lunchtime.

Cold rain
...has been falling outside my window for hours.

Being busy
is overrated.

God and people are pretty much everything. Sleep is... a really good idea, if you couldn't already tell : ) But let me end with the lyrics of the song Sacred. I feel like a lot of my friends are under a lot of stress, a lot of pressure about one thing or another. And it hurts to watch because we're free! Free to fall down and get back up, even. Or free to not have to live out the worst case scenarios we love to think up. Free to have to rely on plan B, C, or D... and then later realize plan A was so not in the cards anyway. Anyway, hold onto what you know is sacred, because it is sacred, and you should not let anything rip it away from you. Trust yourself and give yourself more credit.

It's the cliche writing on the wall
Funny how it's been there all along
And all the while you've listened to anyone who had a point of view
On what you should do.

The liars in your head are growing loud
They say you're in too deep to turn back now
And answers seem so hard to find
You wonder if you still can change your mind.

There's something to be said for patience
So hold on to what you know is sacred
Don't let your only dream be taken
And cashed in for everything you've hated.

You have something there that can't be sold
A lifetime full of secrets to be told
And it is not too late to choose the narrow winding way
That few men do, so few men do.

Hold onto what you know is sacred...



*quality time

A walk in the pahk

I was killing some time in Farragut Square today around noon. It's just a square park in the heart of downtown DC. Saw a lot of funny things. One was a red-headed guy taking a digital photo of all these (mostly) black bike couriers sitting on park benches taking a rest. They started yelling at him Hey man! What are you doing? Don't be taking a picture of me! And he's like, there are about 200 people within this picture. I'm not taking a picture of you. Then they're like, you better give me a dollar. You're probably gonna make a billion offa that photo. Come over here and give me my dollar. lol

But then some things not so funny. There was an older black woman whose head was totally covered in white soap - shampoo I guess, but who really knows. She had an old water bottle and her head was bent over the water fountain. She washed her hair in the water fountain for about 10 minutes. And I mean it wasn't a big water fountain either, so she was really all up in it. The interesting thing is she was having a full and heated conversation with someone who wasn't standing there. I'm not here to diagnose that, but man, it was just like... so vivid. And I guess I've seen so many movies because it was like straight out of a movie. It was like Fight Club and you see Ed Norton talking to Brad Pitt, and then it cuts to another view and you see Ed Norton is just talking to himself, throwing himself down stairs, punching himself. My only point is that it was that vivid. She was responding to someone.

Oh yeah - Father Berrigan

Oh yeah! I wanted to say this is a really cool Wiki article: Father Berrigan. A piece of history we all should know.

Protesting Vietnam, they issued this statement:

"We confront the Catholic Church, other Christian bodies, and the synagogues of America with their silence and cowardice in the face of our country's crimes. We are convinced that the religious bureaucracy in this country is racist, is an accomplice in this war, and is hostile to the poor."

What an indictment! Even if you disagree you have to respect their passion and directness. And the fact that they were so much more than words, but their words in and of themselves are like fire. They burned war draft documents. They also broke into a place that built nuclear warheads and poured blood all over them.

In the company of cool

I walked into Murky Coffee and felt like I walked straight into a wall of coolness. Ouch. lol Everyone here is just emanating this aura of espresso and wi-fi and get-with-it-ness. Quite scary.

In any case, I in all my uncoolness am going to stay here anyway. It is shockingly hot outside! This morning something about the sunshine and the warmth made me instantly think of when I was in Chihuahua, Mejico. Kinda weird that it took me back like that.

What was I gonna say? I felt like I had a point in mind when I started and I definitely lost it. Anyway I am going to spend the next couple hours working on a MASTER LIST, if you will, of every detail for our Board Meeting that I'm coordinating including travel itineraries, restaurants, reservations, field trips, menus, meeting agendas, on and on. I can't believe it's in only like, hmm, well less than a month! WHOA. Gotta get to work now. But if you see me online, please distract. :) Tyvm.

Grrrrrrrrr

One of my pet peeves: People who talk on their cell phones while they are checking out at a store. Get off your freakin phone! There is a person there, a human being, and you need to quit blah-blahing and start interacting with them! Maybe they are having a horrible day and you are just one more implicit message screaming "you are not important to me. In fact I hardly even notice you standing there. You're almost invisible." I just stood behind a psycho woman like this at Target and I wanted to strangle her. (Not to go overboard or anything..)

Another thing that bothers me is people who have to have their latte in their hand during a worship service. What a yuppie. What a consumeristic little.. grrrrr!!!!! In my mind I see that picture on the one side, and on the other side I see a believer in China or in the Sudan who is so oppressed that they fear for their life, and their meetings are in secret, "underground." The contrast is so great that the one doesn't even seem worthy of the other.

However, I will admit on this point, that yesterday I did have a coffee in my hand while I was waiting to meet my friend and I would have taken in if it didn't say no drinks in the auditorium. lol So there are exceptions to these rules. But still !!!!!

Common musical thread

So I'm sitting here watching Meet Joe Black, well the second half and I haven't seen this before, and I'm like MAN this score sounds so familiar. Where have heard this music before? And I'm thiiiinking so hard, and Kyle you have to give me credit for this, I'm like I think it might be from Angels in America??

So, a little IMDB research later, I found out I was right! It is also in American Beauty. This composer, Thomas Newman, has writen scores for a lot of recent movies. The music is really pretty. Just had to share.

I have never heard of two movies having the same score. That is a little odd, for the very reason that it is evoking in me the emotional response I had to the other movie, and that is very confusing.

I also think the girl in this movie looks exactly like Liesl from The Sound of Music. But apparently that girl is now a 63 year old woman so it's not her. :)

Mark 8 - Losing and Gaining

34Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? 37Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? 38If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels."

1 thing I realized...
my soul, this small fairly nameless thing inside of me, or this thing that actually IS me, that nobody knows truly, not even me... this mysterious, deep thing that never changes in essence whether i'm 10 lbs and lying in a crib, or 23 years old floundering wondering about purpose, love, career, and friendship... or elderly and dying in my bed... this soul... this eternal thing... is actually worth more THAN THE ENTIRE WORLD. wow.

1 thing i'm still wondering...
If gaining the whole world can be a sign that i've ost my whole soul, is this a progressive thing? If I bite off bigger and bigger pieces of the world, do I lose my soul more and more? What exactly am I forfeiting, what parts? And, can I get them back? Can you reclaim the parts of your soul that you prostituted to the world, or murdered for the equivalent of cold, hard cash?

I got glasses

So yeah, I'm officially a nerd now! HAHA just kidding. It is just to give my eyes a break from 16 hours of contacts a day. I'm still getting used to these..

Let go

Let go, just let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for?
It's alright cause
There's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

(frou frou, "let go")

Words to sing

No guilt in life
No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry
To final breath
Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell
No scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from his hand

Till he returns
Or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand.

This 4th verse has been my favorite part of a song for several weeks now. I can't totally explain why but singing the song is giving me words to say something I couldn't figure out how to say on my own. Nothing, not even hell's evil scheming within me, is going to change God's love. I've been feeling defeated so much lately. It's too easy to feel defeated when really defeat is a totally different thing for us. We're never defeated. And the defeat we do feel is more like surrender (hopefully!). Which is something I keep seeing in movies lately. Everyone seems to understand the power of reaching your end point and crying out in total helplessness. Something is essentially human about that.

I went to a party tonight at Lisa's apartment. It was fun, we mostly just played cards and braved the cold wind on the balcony. What was different was the age of the group... average in their 30s! Kinda weird for this 23 year old but they were fun. One guy was totally like Kramer and even kept a straight face when he said hilarious things. That was entertaining. Why is going to a party always so intimidating? I'm even a pretty outgoing person, but something about knowing you're gonna have to walk through a door and intelligibly interact with lots of strangers is pretty frightening. But it wasn't that bad, actually. PHew! That's what i was figuring so i went. Plus I had to give her back her keys. So there ya go.

I spent the day with my cousin, aunt and uncle. Leaving them is going to be the very hardest part of moving, I think. They are my family and will be hard (ok, impossible) to replace. Kinda makes me sad just thinking about it. But everything else in my life says MOVE so move I shall. I'm really excited. Freaked out from time to time, extremely so... but excited too.

Pretty much just uncontrollably switching between panic and sadness about leaving, to extreme joy and anticipation, to uncertainty, to hope, to...

So proud today

YEahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so, so, so proud of Congress today. Thank God they did the right thing.

Senate Moves to Protect Military Prisoners Despite Veto Threat (NY Times)
WASHINGTON, Oct. 5 - Defying the White House, the Senate overwhelmingly agreed Wednesday to regulate the detention, interrogation and treatment of prisoners held by the American military...

Senate, Bucking White House, backs detainee protections (Intl Herald Tribune)
In a sharp rebuke to the White House, the U.S. Senate agreed Wednesday to regulate the detention, interrogation and treatment of prisoners held by the U.S. militar

It still has to become official policy, but I hope that it will. It is attached to a huge "must pass" Defense spending bill. For once I'm glad for those slimy DC tactics. hah.

Bush and Cheney are sick men, in my humble opinion, for not only opposing regulation of prisoner treatment, but furthermore threatening their peers in Congress if they didn't go along with them. Cheney literally went on a fear-inducing trip over to the Congressional buildings to warn them. What a crazy. Congress did the right thing, and actually represented the American people. phew!

US policy on torture

What are we, Nazis? Stalinists? Reading this stuff makes me almost physically sick.

• New Accounts of Torture by US Troops
• New Iraq Abuse Allegations Get McCain Moving
• Bush Threatens to Veto Ban on Torture
• UN Cites Reliable Accounts of US Torture

Satchmo follows the movie marathon

Most beautiful Sunday afternoon ever (ok actually it's a little too hot if you stay in the sun), but anyway... wow, I got off track right away. lol I'm listening to a Louis Armstrong CD that I found here. It is putting my soul at eaaaaase. I love it.

I'm in the apartment of this friend, Lisa, that I'm house-sitting for. Her cats names' are Macaroni and Noodle. Noodle is beyond timid and spends 98% of this life under the bed. However, he has the most human eyes I have ever seen. In his heart he must be an old, wise man. Macaroni wants to approach me but just isn't totally sure. He did brush up against my foot a minute ago. I am trying to beckon him over, calling him Mac-daddy and Macaroni Grill. lol It's hard to find a nickname for him that isn't longer than the name itself. Hmmm. He would get some affection if he would just come over here!!

I've had a really good weekend. We saw A History of Violence, Love Actually, and Crash. I really, really liked them all. I love the premise/theme of crash... that we're all so distant that we crash into each other just to feel something. That kind of crashing seems to be happening everywhere, all the time. Not that we intentionally do it, but... it's like grace, in a way. The scene with the little girl running to shield her Dad has to go down as one of the best scenes in a movie ever. Wow. Movies are so good these days.

Bad news and good news

Let me just get right to the point by saying:

This sucks.
And so does this.
But this gives me a little bit of hope.

Not that they're related. Just trying to process all the news that seems to be attacking me lately.

Republican disarray

Whoa, read this.

I do find it kind of funny. Sorry, I know I shouldn't say that, cause practically everyone I know is Republican. But scandal, scandal all around... At American U, too. It's what DC does best, I guess.

I just feel so bad for the Dems. So strong (50% of our nation) yet so, so, so pitifully weak at every level that matters. And any unsettling of the Republican stronghold is a breath of fresh air, I have to admit.

Of he that is Kyle.

So, have I ever told you I have this friend named Kyle? I’ve known him like 6 years now, which is pretty crazy. He is my favorite person to talk to online. It’s somewhere between cool and scary when I think of how many hundreds of hours we have spent conversing.

Some of kyle’s favorite sayings:
1. Indeed.
2. OMG.
3. Ha.
4. frlol (the newest acronym taking the cyber world by storm)
5. (I only could think of 4. Sorry. Not even an even number like 5. Which isn’t actually even, coincidentally.)

He is opening his own consulting business, which I can’t explain very well… but if you need some consulting or training or publishing or something of the like, you can contact him at this email address.

I guess my favorite thing about Kyle is that he’s fairly unpredictable and he’s unlike anyone else I know. He’s definitely not like most guys I know. Not like most girls either. lol Yet he IS indeed a guy! Let there be no confusion. No but really, he makes me laugh,

If anyone else would feel more loved if I would do a post solely about them, just let me know and I will hook you up. I will link to your pages, post embarrassing pictures of you, sing your praises, anything you would like… because you’re my friend and I love you. But Kyle should feel the most special cause he is the first person I’ve ever done this for. And it’s not too long of a post – just a quickie! ;-) lol

What are they hiding?

Liz and I happen to know a few people who operate on such a superficial level that it is frustrating and disillusioning to interact with them. I could go on and explain why I'm not super judgmental, but let's just say that I am for the sake of getting past this point.

So, we were just talking about another one, and Liz said,

"The louder they are, the more they have to hide."

I told her that was profound, I agreed, and I would post it here with her picture. hahah. That is the history of this post. I do agree with that. It takes strength and truth to be able to shut up for once.

I'm actually recommending this book

I never thought I'd recommend a book from this slightly spastic woman, but I am. I paged through this at Borders the other night, and it has tons of great, non-predictable advice. There's no "don't use credit cards!" and "stop going to Starbucks!" It's full of really smart and up-to-date tips, and it's a more than easy read.

So go here and read more 5 star reviews about it.

Sunny day, sweepin the clouds away

I went for a walk this morning before work. It was funny because I tried to get up at 6am, and my alarm started going off then, but I couldn't actually pull myself out of bed until 7:30, but it was still enough time for a 45 minute walk. Hahaha. Okay anyway, it was a beautiful walk. I have fallen in love with our neighborhood lately... it is really charming. Yes, I said charming!

The sky was grey, the air was humid, and the light breeze was almost imperceptible. It seemed the grey clouds were completely stagnant, but I later noticed they were actually moving really quickly... they were just mammoth so they appeared to be still.

What really took me was a few times I saw neighborhood kids waiting for and boarding their school buses. I passed a big house on a corner, with a U-shaped driveway and a white picket fence (literally). A man came out carrying something, with a kid walking behind him, just as I noticed a school bus approaching from the other direction. It turned out it was a purple wheelchair, a child's size. His son was smiling and laughing and looking delighted with life, and sat down into the wheelchair. (I guess he wasn't walking that easily after all.) As the bus stopped and put on its red flashers, a 9 car back-up formed. The bus driver came down, said good morning to the Dad, and they both helped the boy get onto the bus with the lift on the back. The patience of the drivers and the quiet joy of the family was what impressed me the most. It's actually things like this that make me feel really patriotic.

I walked a few blocks, and was coming again upon someone waiting for a school bus - lots of little someones. I would say they were preschoolers or kindergarteners. What was cute and Sesame-Streetish about the whole scene was they were fairly racially diverse, wearing all kinds of bright colors, and accompanied by parents at a 1:1 or even 2:1 ratio. The bus stopped across the street, a woman (not the driver) came out and stood in the middle of the street, and the preschool parade crossed single-file. The parents were all waving and smiling and yelling goodbye and have a good day. The thing is, it's not even the first day of school. lol It was really cute.

PS. HAH! Look at this Klingon translation of the Sesame Street song. I love the internet.

Love and community as medicine

Love is real medicine.

I wasn't even looking for this, but cool! It totally proves my point. Go me, go me.. haha jk. This is really neat and makes a lot of sense.

All We Are is Shooting Stars

Diana and I went to an Edwin McCain concert the other night, and the only song I remember (besides iiiii'llllll beeeeee :) was this newer one of his called "Shooting Stars."

Maybe this life is just about love and tenderness if
all we are is shooting stars
Maybe we can't fight all of this pain and loneliness if
all we are are shooting stars...

So I was in deep thought about this song.. ha.. and I do believe life is just about love... and I also believe God is Love. But anyway, if you think about the three kinds of love, familial/friendship, romantic, and divine/God- love. I was just thinking maybe life really is ONLY about love and people, and everything else in life - work, stress, money, career, food, material things, politics, culture, art, music, everything - is intended to be subservient to Love. My actual thought was "Maybe all those other things just give us something to talk about in the context of love." Hmm. Anyway I really like that thought, because it is totally freeing. What matters but love? And what should I do except take a step in love, seek justice in love, work hard because of love, create art as it springs from love... I really like that thought.

I was also thinking, are we not complete (emotionally) if we lack one of those kinds of love in our lives? I think we long for all 3 of them, not just one or two. Now, there are monks and nuns and others who renounce marriage, and even Jesus never married, and Paul talked about it too... Still others live in seclusion, without friend or lover, which is incredibly sad. I just mean to say it is, I think, IN us to desire all three. And having all three seems to make us healthier and more whole.

Anyway, lessee. I went over to Gina and Julia's last night and had an extremely happy night. Who knew Julia would want to recreate her Costa Rican reflexology foot massage on me?! lol That was so awesome. And today I've just been chillin, and trying to set up my business website. Made some good progress! I cannot believe I only have 3 weeks of work left.