2. I am loving being here in North Carolina and (ooh I should update my profile) and what's funny is I have this feeling like I have to a lot to do quickly... like I have to really seize the day, almost like I'm just visiting. Then it hits me: I REALLY LIVE HERE! And I will be here for the long haul. Well, at least the Lord-willing-kinda-immediate long haul. lol It's insane. I said this to my Mom and she said I've been on the move so much lately it just feels like I'm still traveling. She must be right. It's a bit of a shock to the system to get to settle in.
3. Tomorrow Curt and I are going to a ... meeting? worship time? fellowship? informal service? ... in the morning. I'm glad for it because, well, here's the deal. I'm here for a church plant, right? Problem is, I'm quite unspiritual and not doing a good job of following Jesus these days. I actually came here because if being a Christian meant living the usual Christian life in America, to the extent that such a thing exists, then I would just fail. I am bored with Christianity, and bored with Christ, AS he is expressed collectively (or not expressed) in that context. So, in a way, in a very real way, this move is somewhat selfish. If I can't experience Jesus in spontaneous, real community, then I certainly can't experience Him in morning devotions, or other acts of quiet obedience. I mean I guess I would experience Him, but not often, or so it seems. And not in the richest ways. Anyway, back to my original point, I'm glad for going to be with other believers tomorrow morning because, strangely, everyone seems to be viewing me as super spiritual or just... yeah... since they heard the words "church plant." They don't understand this is a church for church drop-outs!! I've effectively dropped out of Christianity and church as we know it. I can't do it and frankly I'm just not even interested anymore. So this is the experiment. This is being true to myself. It feels a little like laziness, it feels a little like hard work, it feels just... like there's HOPE! So tomorrow is a first taste. We're not actually going to be joining any group, per se, but this is just a way to be with other believers in the area.
To be perfectly totally honest, and to stop talking about the social aspect of all this for a moment, what I'm really thinking about is talking with God. Talking with the Lord. I've kind of put up a wall of silence. I still pray desperation prayers, when things are crazy. I'm relieved to know that prayer is my impulse in desperate circumstances, but it's not a relationship, you know? I'm feeling that once you put up a wall of silence with God, it's hard to take that wall back down. It's a process, anyway... it's not overnight cause it's a habit you have to get back into. He's real. If he's real and has a name and a spirit and a mind (or whatever ya call it :) and a personality and all of that... if he's real, then what he did in history is real, and he wants to hear from me, and talk to me. No thundering voices out of the clouds, but just... sensing. I guess it must seem hokey but it's faith. And my soul tells me when things are silent with heaven and tense... versus when things are open and calm. So, yeah. That's my prayer over the next few months. Open up and talk to Him again. He takes us back like we never went away. I think He understands time and is less hung up about it then even we are. Getting to that conclusion just now is what I needed to articulate for myself tonight... He is not hung up on time away quite the way I am. He is like none other, in fact...
Anyway, time for bed. More soon.
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