Tom in his new car today

I am so in love with this guy. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Merry Christmas

We are having a really good Christmas here in Moorhead, Minnesota. It's strangely warm... around 30 degrees and no snow. Everyone's in good health. We have a lot of love and a lot to be thankful for this Christmas.

This morning we spent like half an hour taking the craziest pictures we could come up with... I think my family is now more into taking photos than opening presents. lol The actual goal was to get one for the yet-to-go-out Christmas card. Anyway, enjoy... and Merry Christmas.

A Super Reunion

I got to hang out with my very beloved friend Adriel and her husband Daniel in Topeka a few days ago! She was my RA freshman year of college, and we immediately found out that we were both from Topeka. The cool thing about that is that even though I live in North Carolina and my family lives in Minnesota, and even though she and Daniel are living in SCOTLAND for about 5 years as he gets his PhD at St. Andrew's, we still manage to see each other like once a year because we're both in Kansas somewhere near the holidays. Yay! It was really fun and just... so sweet to talk to an old friend.

These pictures were taken at the mall in Topeka as we waited for my Mom to pick me up. It is always funny being 24 and waiting for your Mom to pick you up from the mall.

Movie holiday

Movies I rented today with my Mom:

• All the King's Men
• The Devil Wears Prada
• Kate and Leopold
• The Family Stone
• An Affair to Remember

And this is just the beginning of Christmas break, my friends. Hehehe. Jasmin, movie aficionado, I wish you were here!

Special Envoy to Sudan

The UN finally appointed a special envoy to Sudan. Thank God. It's about time. NOW there can begin to be some progress...

It's fun (and cheap) to stay at the Y

A two-week membership to the YMCA (which is one of the nicest gyms in town, newly remodeled) is only $22!

Ohhh yeah!

Tis the season of ME

So I'm in Tecumseh, Kansas laying under my uncle's huge (15 foot?) Christmas tree. I woke up super early this morning to go on a cold walk with my Mom. She has been so committed to health lately, but she actually didn't want to go on the walk today. Apparently we don't have enough time before we meet some people for breakfast. Hmmpf! Oh well, it's kind of nice to see morning rising.

I've noticed something this Christmas season. It's not new, but it's worse and uglier than before. Every time I look at a newspaper ad, browse some online stores, or walk through the aisles of a mall store, I am thinking about one thing. It's not what I will get my mom, dad, brother, jess, or tom. (And believe me, I should be thinking about that: it's December 18 and I still haven't done my Christmas shopping!) No, it's not how I can give to others this season.

All I can think about is what I want. All I can process are my own thoughts of my own endless material desires. I have a long, specific list of things that I want... a new computer, clothes, kitchen gadgets, etc. I won't go on party because it's embarrassing, partly because I don't want anyone to feel compelled to get me anything on this list, and partly because I still want to get them without you knowing they were one of the wants I railed against in this post (evil, eh?).

It's shocking, actually, because I know that I already have significantly more possessions than one person could ever need. There's nothing I lack. NOTHING. Even when I do think of something I want, 9 times out of 10 it is to upgrade an item that I already own.

I realize when it comes to this, I'm a product of my culture - the era of supersizing, upgrading, and indulging in little luxuries. That's not necessarily evil, but the problem (as I see it) is indulging ourselves all the time. Living the lifestyle of indulgence. Letting the luxuries rule us until they are all we think about, all we desire.

It's really not just me either. I've had lots of talks with a couple of the guys in my life, and they too are desiring bigger and better toys. I've tried to counsel them to think about it less. I've shown them how their own lifestyles are really not that different from the people they so admire who have the big house, the nice car, and all the peripherals. But even as I say that, I go on wanting things myself.

I guess all of this is to be expected, but what I can't figure out, is how can a season so designed to FULFILL me, to remind me of my complete fulfillment in the tiny, amazing, unfathomable gift of a baby... how can this season actually leave me so empty, so full of worthless desires that consume me?

Sometimes, don't you wish we would just do away with the whole gift exchange? I like giving gifts as much as the next person, but we can't escape the reality that we do it now because we have to. We all say we are fine with getting nothing, yet we can't bear to give our loved ones nothing, so the cycle continues. Maybe Tom was right when he said we should celebrate Christmas every two years. Then we'd appreciate it much more.

You know what I despise more than the shopping rush leading up to Christmas Day? The only thing that bothers me more is December 26. I can understand preparing for the big day, but as soon it is past noon on Christmas Day, our thoughts already return to the stores and how much more crap we can accumulate if we get there early enough.

Corporate America has done a really excellent job of projecting our wants through megaphones... I for one can hear them loud and clear. My goal now is to let another voice in. This voice doesn't remind me what I want. Instead it tells me of the riches I already have. This voice doesn't create emptiness and longing where really there exists an overflowing cup. This not a trite saying for me... there really is an overflowing cup. I just... strangely... forget about it this time of year.

Technical difficulties

I was scheduled to give a 10 minute presentation this morning in my networking group. I made a PowerPoint that I was so excited about... I went and got slide handouts printed onto bright orange paper (with Tom. late at night. oh yeah. lol jk we were dead tired)

Thank goodness my Mom urged me to have a Plan B...

The dumb LCD projector didn't work! I am sure it was something totally simple and easy to solve, too, because it worked for a second but then wouldn't come back and I didn't have enough time to figure it out. Oh well. At least it got me to finally put together a PowerPoint for my business, but man it was really unflashy and boring doing the whole thing from handouts. I guarantee you people would've been way more attentive and fascinated if I had kept them in suspense from one custom animation to the next! Sigh.

So Tom and I are getting pretty serious. I've had guys say serious things to me before, but Tom actually means it, so that's new. We are miserably sad about having to spend the next 2 weeks apart. We're preparing for it by spending every minute together which is devastating my work productivity - niiice! Well I would say more on here but really this isn't blog material, is it now...

Bush's actions amount to book-burning

Read this article about the White House's cuts to the EPA budget. The White House has begun closing the Enviromental Protection Agency's research libraries to the public and to its own staff, cementing Bush's reputation as usher of a new dark age.

Winter bliss

Two words for you this wintry holiday season:

Peppermint Steamer.

Okay, maybe five words. Peppermint steamer in a big mug. That's six I guess. lol

Anything for Love

Wanted

I got a voicemail late last night from the Fargo Police. Okeyyyyyy...

So it turns out that some girl up in Fargo (basically where my family lives) was in a fight in a bar back in August. She identified me out of a high school yearbook as the girl that beat her up in the bathroom.

Haha.

The funny thing is that August is the last time I was home visiting my family, and I did go out to some bars, but I've never heard of the particular one they asked about. My family got a pretty big kick out of the whole charade. My mom answered question after question, finally laughing when she heard what it was about, saying "If you knew my daughter, you would know how impossible this is... she lives in North Carolina and has her own business doing communications for businesses." My brother left me a voicemail cracking up saying he heard his sister was in a gang and people kept knocking at his door looking for me.

Alcohol

This song exemplifies the genius of modern country music. :)

I can make anybody pretty
I can make you believe any lie
I can make you pick a fight with somebody twice your size.
Well I've been known to cause a few break-ups
And I've been known to cause a few births
I can make you new friends or get you fired from work...

And since the day I left Milwaukee
Lynchberg and Bordeaux, France
Been makin' the bars
Lots of big money
And helpin' white people dance
I got you in trouble in high school
But college, now that was a ball
You had some of the best times you'll never remember with me:
ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!

I got blamed at your wedding reception
For your best man's embarassing speech
And also for those naked pictures of you at the beach
I've influenced kings and world leaders
I helped Hemingway write like he did
I'll bet you a drink or two that I can make you put that lampshade on your head

Cause since the day I left Milwaukee
Lynchberg, Bordeaux, France
Been makin' a fool of
Folks just like you
And helpin' white people dance
I am medicine and I am poison
I can help you up or make you fall
You had some of the best times you'll never remember with me:
ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!

(Alcohol, Brad Paisley)

Nothing makes me tired

What is it about a day when you don't have to do anything? You sleep in and then get sleepy all over again after having done nothing. Thankfully, you can! Heh.

Amanda, Micah, and some of their family went shopping early this morning in Indiana. I decided to stay here, sleep, and work. So far I've done great on the staying here and sleeping part. As far as working, well I am cleaning out my inbox and translating it into a to-do list so that's good.

I'm watching a home improvement show... Amanda's mom was watching it with me but she ran across the street for a minute. Her dad just got home and we are eating bits of Thanksgiving leftovers. Well mainly I am just eating the desserts. lol I really like this time of year between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Populist tide has elitists running scared

I love this commentary from Lou Dobbs. I am a populist! So sue me!

Dobbs: Populist tide has elitists running scared

The only thing I don't fully understand is how American businesses really can compete and survive by keeping jobs in America and keeping them good-paying. I hope there is an answer, I just need to look into it more.

Exciting news

This is cool. I am going to brag for just a second.

The organization I work with drills community-sized water wells in Africa. The unique thing is that we set up an Africa-based company to do this. It not only creates jobs for Africans in addition to providing water, but it is set up as a business that can drill for profits and then take those private client profits and turn them back into ministry projects (serving the poorest of the poor). It's pretty dang cool.

Anyway, I just talked to my boss and he told me how much he appreciated me ("yay"), and said that two proposals I wrote were effective... one foundation is giving us $125,000 and another is giving us $200,000. The even cooler thing is that both of these are part of an equipment matching challenge that goes dollar for dollar. So this $325,000 will actually result in $650,000. All for huge drilling rigs and support trucks that make deep water wells in Africa. Sooooooo cool! Great news on this Thanksgiving...

Well, day before Thanksgiving. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is so great. I am with Amanda's family in Ohio, Micah is here too, and everyone else. It just feels so homey and happy. But now I do have to focus on work for a few hours before I lose ALL motivation this holiday weekend.

Articles on non-profits and ending poverty

My Dad and his business partner Paulette have this new website and directory for... holistic, spiritual, new age resources... Whatever you want to call it.

They asked me to write two articles, and here they are.

I'm gonna cry

I have a billion things to finish before going out of town today, and I just switched web hosts for my work website yesterday, annnnnnnd I didn't realize until just now I had to totally save and reload all my files for my website. I guess the guy assumed I knew more than I do about websites. I just thought I was pointing it to different nameservers... but I guess I should have known that since I was getting a completely new control panel, everything had been deleted. Gah! At least it will be more reliable... once I redo everything!

The difference

The difference between guys and girls, I'm discovering, is that when a girl goes to buy clothes... she tries to get into the smallest size possible. She will do everything in her power to be able to buy and wear the smallest size she can.

A guy, on the other hand, has no problem getting an XXL whether he needs it or not. lol

I AM - Pure being... divine life inside

I'd like to get your reaction to this piece below. I have this on my ipod, and transcribed it so I could share it. It's from Eckhart Tolle's book called A New Earth. My personal response, just to lay this out there, is that it resonates very deeply and doesn't conflict with my understanding of God or of spirituality. In fact, it actually helps me understand things better - things like being, life, surrender, and peace. In some ways it is very profound, but once you get it, it's also very basic. Let me know your thoughts. Help me out brothers and sisters and make sure I don't stray too far new age. lol

From Descartes' error to Sartre's insight

The 17th century philosopher Descartes, regarded as the founder of modern philosophy, gave expression to this primary error with this famous diction which he saw as primary truth -

I THINK, THEREFORE I AM.

This was the answer he found to the question, "Is there anything I can know with absolute certainty?" He realized that the fact that he was always thinking was beyond doubt, and so he equated thinking with being... that is to say, identity (I AM) with thinking... Instead of the ultimate truth, he had found the root of the ego, but he didn't know that.

It took almost 300 years before another famous philosopher saw something in that statement that Descartes, as well as everybody else, had overlooked. His name was Jean Paul Sartre. He looked at Descarte's statement - I think, therefore I am - very deeply and suddenly realized, in his own words, "The consciousness that says 'I am' is not the consciousness that thinks." What did he mean by that?

When you're aware that you're thinking, that awareness is not part of thinking. It is a different dimension of consciousness. And it is that awareness that says, "I am." If there were nothing but thought in you, you wouldn't even know you're thinking. You would be like a dreamer who doesn't know he's dreaming. You would be as identified as every thought as the dreamer is with every image in the dream. Many people still live like that - like sleepwalkers, trapped in old, dysfunctional mindsets that continuously recreate the same nightmarish reality. When you know you're dreaming, you awake within the dream - another dimension of consciousness has come in. The implication of Sartre's insight is profound, but he himself was still too identified with thinking to realize the full significance of what he had discovered - an emerging new dimension of consciousness.

The Peace that Passes All Understanding

There are many accounts of people who experience that emerging new dimension of consciousness as a result of tragic loss in their lives. Some lost all of their possessions, others their childresns or spouse, their social position, reputation, or physical abilities. In some cases, through disaster or war, they lost all of these simultaneously and found themselves with nothing. We may call this a limit situation. Whatever they had identified with, whatever gave them their sense of self, had been taken away. Then suddenly and inexplicably, the anguish or intense fear they initially felt, gave way to a sacred sense of presence - the deep peace, serenity, and complete freedom from fear. This phenomenon must have been familiar to Saint Paul, who used the expression, "the peace of God which passes all understanding." It is indeed a peace that doesn't seem to make sense, and the people who experienced it ask themselves, "In the face of this, how can it be that I feel such peace?" The answer is simple once you realize what the ego is and how it works. When forms that you had identified with, that gave you your sense of self, collapse or are taken away, it can lead to a collapse of the ego, since ego is identification with a form. When there is nothing to identify with you anymore, who are you? When forms around you die or death approaches, your sense of beingness, of "I am," is freed from its entanglement with form. Spirit is released from its imprisonment in matter. You realize your essential identity as formless, as an old, pervasive presence, of being prior to all forms, all identifications. You realize your true identity as consciousness itself, rather than what consciousness had identified with. That's the peace of God. The ultimate truth of who you are is not "I am... this" or "I am... that." but "I am."

Not everybody who experiences great loss also experiences this awakening, this disidentification from form. Some immediately create a strong mental image or thought form, in which they see themselves as a victim, whether it be of circumstances, other people, an unjust fate, or God. This thought form and the emotions it creates such as anger, resentment, self-pity, and so on, they strongly identify with, and it immediately takes the place of all the other identifications that have collapsed through the loss. In other words, the ego quickly finds a new form. The fact that this new form is a deeply unhappy one doesn't concern the ego too much as long as it has an identity, good or bad. In fact, this new ego will be more contracted, more rigid and impenetrable than the old one. Whenever tragic loss occurs, you either resist or you yield. Some people become bitter or deeply resentful. Others become compassionate, wise, and loving. Yielding means inner acceptance of what is - you're open to life. Resistance is an inner contraction, a hardening of the shell of the ego - you're closed. Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance, which we may also call negativity, will create more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side. Life will not be helpful. If the shutters are closed, sunlight cannot come in. When you yield internally - when you surrender - the new dimension of consciousness opens up. If action is possible or necessary, your action will be in alignment with the whole and supported by creative intelligence - the unconditioned consciousness which, in a state of inner openness, you become one with. Circumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. Coincidences happen. If no action is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that come with surrender. You rest in God.

Happy Iraqi insurgents is a happy Fox News

A leaked Fox News memo shows the Vice President of News saying:

"Let's be on the lookout for any statements from the Iraqi insurgents, who must be thrilled at the prospect of a Dem-controlled Congress."

Shame on them. That is shameful.

The Eternal War

Everyone talks about how it important it is that we win the war on terror, or the war on terrorism.

But I just have a question: what will it look like when we have won the war on terror? What will we see and hear? How will we know when it's won? How will we know when it's no longer necessary to spend $100 billion per year on this? (We have just passed the half-trillion mark.)

This is part rhetorical question, and part sincere answer-seeking. I mean, what the heck are we looking for? A world where people who strongly dissent have no way to violently hurt or kill innocent people to make a political point? A world where nation-states are all democratic and pro-Western, refraining from harboring terrorists? English as a second language? McDonalds? I really don't know what the end goal is here.

I take it back

Okay, I'm sorry for ever blogging on the Ted Haggard thing. lol I have no idea what to make of this situation. I guess I am just especially interested in it because through my job back in DC, I worked closely with people who worked closely with him... does that make sense? So it feels personal even though it's really not.

My friend Jeff emailed me and made the excellent point that he only confessed because he got caught, which is really not that respectable. He also pointed out that this is a classic case of power gone awry, which I agree with, though maybe this was exacerbated by the fact that in religious circles, it is especially hard to show your weaknesses. It makes abusing power even more tempting, in a way. Strangely enough.

Anyways... no conclusions to draw. I am really tired but there's some stuff I need to do before going to sleep... I just made scrambled eggs. I'm listening to James Taylor on a CD that Tom gave me. There are 4 of my jackets, 5 pillows, 1 purse, and 2 bottles of wine on my corner couch right now. We're going to the Hurricanes game tomorrow night, and Friday morning I'm going to Colorado Springs for 5 days. I'm really happy about life right now... just sleep-deprived :) Nothing wrong with a little incoherency now and then...

Heart on sleeve

Ted Haggard's letter to his church really made an impression on me... for honesty... for open brokenness... I have to give him credit.

Everybody's free to feel good

Everybody's free
everybody's free
everybody's free

Everybody's free
everybody's free
to feel good
to feel good.

Brother and sister, together we'll make it through
oh yeah
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting
but I've been waiting to be there for you
And I'll be there, just helping you out whenever I can

Everybody's free to feel good.

(Quindon Tarver, "Everybody's Free," Soundtrack of Romeo + Juliet)

Yet another gay Christian "scandal"

Well it seems Ted Haggard, President of the 30-million member National Association of Evangelicals (NAE) and pastor of a 14,000 member church, is stepping down amid gay affair allegations. Of course I have no clue if it's true or not, but it's not like he's being accused of some one-night fling; his accuser says they had sex about once a month for three years. That's 36 encounters.

Here's an article from the Seattle Post Intelligencer

Now my little post here isn't about homosexuality being wrong. I honestly don't know where I stand on that. I'm more struck by two things:

(1) A Christian world that often times provides shaming rather than healing and support to homosexuals or people struggling with homosexuality, however you want to put it. *

(2) A Christian leader who practices the very sin he so passionately speaks against. If the allegations are true, they are appalling especially because he is such an outspoken opponent of same-sex marriage. I don't care really if you are for it or you're against it, but don't rally millions of Christians against it and then practice it in secret.

I really don't have any judgements here... in fact, my lack of having a strong opinion about homosexuality is probably seems wrong to some. But I guess I'm more just commenting on the brokenness of the whole situation. It's messed up on many levels.

Of course there is the political dimension of it, too. What timing! As my Dad joked, this is nothing compared to the Foley incident. lol

* As an afterthought, I do want to note that this environment is changing slowly and many gay people are receiving a better welcome and better treatment from the Church. So that's good.

Meet the thorn

To touch the rose unfearful
Is to meet the thorn
And pierce the heart's emotion
And feel the emptiness no more.

(Jars of Clay, "No One Loves Me Like You")

Changing times

When did it get so freakin' cool to have lesbian pictures of you with your friends on Facebook or MySpace?

I'm just askin'...

Feminism, Halloween, and Alice in Pornland

My Dad just referred me to this Ellen Goodman article about women, sexuality, and culture. I think you'll find it interesting.

COMMENTARY
These costumes would scare any feminist

By Ellen Goodman


Oh darn, I guess I'm not going to be able to wear that diaphanous costume with the teeny-weeny skirt and the plunging neckline after all. The "Garden of Evil Spiritina" is all sold out for this Halloween.

There's barely even time to get "L'il Bo Peep" — or should I say "L'il Bo Peep Show" costume — FedExed from my Web merchant. I could, however, get that "Hottie Little Red Riding Hood," bustier and boots, to come over the river and through the woods to this grandmother's house.

Welcome to the Halloween horror show. This is the time of year when mothers across America get another chance to rant about the culture that pushes daughters directly from Barney to "Jail Bait." This is when teens can surf the aisles or the Internet for those special costumes that are designed to help them fantasize about what they want to be when they grow up: "A French Maid." And when young women raised on "Free to Be You and Me" find themselves free to be either "Biker Chick" or "Blushing Bride."

Is there anything more depressing than the "Naughty Housewife" ready to go trick-or-spanking? Sure. It's the number of young women who will tell you fervently that as a post-feminist generation, they are liberated to make choices. And their choice for Halloween is "Alice in Pornland"!

It's enough to make the average feminist want to bite into that apple with the razor blade.

But first, let us take that "choice" banner, attach it to our broomstick and fly east as far as London where there is another sort of masquerade going on. The story of the hour is not about young women uncovering their bodies. It's about young women covering their faces.

London has been in an uproar about a 24-year-old teaching assistant and Muslim suspended because she refused to remove the full-face veil. A minimal number of veiled women caused a maximal furor. Prime Minister Tony Blair decried the veil as a "mark of separation." Even the prime minister of Italy declared, "You can't cover your face; you must be seen. ... It is important for our society."

The young woman, Aishah Azmi, insisted that "Muslim women who wear the veil are not aliens." Then, in one of those wonderful ironies, she unsuccessfully appealed her suspension, arguing for the freedom to wear a garment that would have been imposed upon her in a fundamentalist Islamic country.

Have you noticed how much dress and undress matter? Even to prime ministers? Have you also noticed how many women believe they are making their own choices when they are actually caught in a cultural vise?

Here in America, our Halloween revelers have only the scantiest — and I do mean scantiest — idea of how the market has shaped the options that they regard as their own. Most women are only dimly aware of the how we internalize the liposuctioned, breast-implanted, celebrity-shaped images that define the "right" female body. They are even less aware of a culture that defines sexy as something seen rather than felt.

There in London, a young teacher wearing the niqab seems equally unaware that the mask she dons as an act of self-expression aligns her with the mullahs of repression. After all, in today's Iran the choices may be veil or jail. And in Afghanistan, women are choosing the burqa to save their lives. As Deborah Tolman, who wrote "Dilemmas of Desire," says, the stakes are astonishingly high: "If we can't cover it, we can kill it. That's the context."

Mullahs and marketers are not the same. Nobody is forcing an American woman into the "Sultry Witch" costume. Nobody is forcing a British citizen into a full-face veil. But there is something, well, scary when women claim the "freedom" to fit into such narrow constraints of sexuality.

Lyn Mikel Brown, co-author of "Packaging Girlhood," says, "We can't talk to girls about sexuality or desire but an entire media is pushing sexualization on them." Nevertheless, there's a fine line for girls between being sexy and being slutty. Halloween, Brown says, may be the one day "you can be a skank and get away with it." But what a way.

On the other hand, the niqab may identify its London wearer as a pious Muslim and proud dropout from Western sexual culture. But it does so by making her faceless. What a way.

Remember when we used to talk about role models for girls and women? At least one Web site is selling "Supergirl" costumes for teens. But what's that I read? She's "all grown up and is ready for some action of her own." This Supergirl comes with a bustier and hooker boots. She's definitely sold out.


Ellen Goodman is a columnist for The Boston Globe. Reach her at ellengoodman@globe.com.

Meeting the fish in the sea

Sorry to all my fans (okay, just Micah) who have missed me lately and caused a big commotion about my lack of blogliness. Honestly I've been busy making out and otherwise negotiating a love triangle. hehe.

Post a personals ad on Craig's list and you are sure to have an adventure.

Northern Lights

Besides the lights themselves being amazing, check out the rotating constellations. Or I guess the view from the rotating earth :) There's also lots of shooting stars throughout the night. Beaaaaaaaautiful.

Holiday

I've declared today work from bed in my PJs with lots of soft blankets and pillows and Billie Holiday playing day. :) And of course my laptop. It's going great so far. Well everything except the "work" part. heh.

Better Now

Okay so I'm much happier and well-adjusted since we just had a church meeting tonight. Many good things were shared.

Just remember to take all this crap on my blog with a grain of salt :)

Paradox

I am a paradox. Introverted and extroverted? That is just the beginning.

I'm

• sacred and profane
• reverent and indifferent/casual
• sincere and deceitful
• certain but doubtful
• creative but severely limited
• loving but jealous and fearful
• forgiving and resentful
• and the list goes on forever. Whatever good might be said of me, whatever of God might be found inside of me, is countered with something that negates it.

We're starting to share our testimonies as a community. My testimony - the story of my spiritual life - is this totally roundabout, cyclical, circular, nonsensical thing.

I realized that from hearing Curt share his story. Curt is very linear. Everything evolved in time in a linear way. He understood more of God, bit by bit. It's like God keeps taking him down this path. Farther up and further in...

Not me. I mean I have this moment in my history... April 6, 1998... when everything changed. I do know that much. I can question what exactly happened that night, but I unquestionably know that it set my entire life on a particular course.

But ever since then I kind of just go in circles. The good way for me to look at it is that I do know who God is essentially. Is there more of Him to know? Obviously yes. Obviously I know like 0.0000001 percent of God. But I know he is Love, so that takes me really far. I know He is not just a He... this God is also reflected in women. In fact, I would say this God is as much "woman" as "man," and so that tells me tons about God. I could go on about these big things that I know, not just in my mind but in my spirit, to be true of God. So that makes me feel like the going in circles is okay... after all, it's probably a good thing that you aren't in total shock discovering something new about a person all the time. It shows you know that person.

But I guess I just feel like I've been at an impasse with God for many years. I understand why people long for mystical communion. It's like finally consummating the marriage... but is there an enjoyment, a consummation, that can go on right now? Is it a church meeting? Am I being impatient? I'm sure I am. I know that our start-up meetings are not going to be super glorious. At the same time, I hate even saying that because it shows I am waiting for some later time, rather than encountering God right now.

What can I expect from God? I am living communally and intentionally, yes, but also very much as a 21st century individualist and a consumer. What makes the way I've organized my life and prepared my heart any different from others? And does this even have anything to do with how God meets me, or am I fooling myself to think I can prepare the way and have better chances?

What do I expect communion with God to look like and feel like? Do I think I'm going to like lose my mind-body control or have my spirit expand with joy until it explodes? I don't really know what it's supposed to be like. I only know that my restlessness seemed justified in the organized church. Here in the land of disorganization, I hope and pray that I can be content with encountering God in people and in everyday circumstances. Maybe I can even start to see restlessness as a gift or at least, as God stirring.

Strange and terrible

Last night I realized that I should have started a certain project WAY earlier... basically it was a massive media contact list for distributing a press release. I was going to distribute this baby about 8am this morning, but it wasn't until last night that I discovered what a mess the list was. Hours and hours of internet research got me far, but not nearly far enough. Finally at 2am I emailed my boss on that project and said am I being a perfectionist, should I just send it to whoever... or should we wait. He liked the idea of waiting and perfecting it. Sigh. So the good part about that, is where I thought I was going to wake up in a frenzy this morning to get it out, I actually am fine and just need to keep working on it.

Anyway when I was working on this last night, I was in a strange and terrible mood. Do you ever just... get out of whack? And it is (or seems) wholly impossible to get yourself back where you need to be. For me, I know what the circumstances were that made me feel that way... basically I thought two things (that I haven't mentioned) were going to work out, and neither one of them seem to be working out. Other times in life, two things you thought weren't going to work out DO and you get the opposite feeling... giddiness instead of despair.

I just hate getting in moods like that though. It makes me feel almost breathless and restless. It's like you can't get relief from your own self, from your mind. Not that anything is so terrible... I am talking about something very, very subtle. I just was putting it out there because sometimes I wonder if I am the only person who gets this way. It's a feeling of being trapped in wrongness in a way. Having to deal with something you'd rather ignore.

There's no sugar-coated, happy ending to this mini-story, but I will say that sleep is a real gift. Great is your faithfulness, Lord... it is new every morning.

Early morning

I joined this networking group that meets every Wednesday morning at 7:45am.

Gahh :)

To a freelancer, that is a death sentence. That is a punishment.

Nah, actually it wasn't too bad. I actually got around 6 hours of sleep last night so I don't wake up toooo sleepy. I actually saw the sunrise. That is one of the first times I've seen the sunrise from my apartment that I've lived in for 2.5 months. It is totally visable over the trees through my kitchen window. Kinda pretty, actually.. it's over the trees, like I said, but it's like a horizon. Well I've gotten up super-early a few times to go to the airport but that was in darkness... never at sunrise.

The reason I'm thinking about all this is I am soooooo hungry and I looked at the clock and it's only 11:18am. Usually I would have just eaten breakfast around now. lol

Craig's list is a constant source of joy

Micah, I see why Wonkette has so much fun with Craig's List. This is a great one from the Raleigh site. Thank you, funny stranger, for making me laugh. (By the way, if you weren't sure, this is a personal ad from a man seeking a woman.)

The Da Vinci Code and other weird bibicial findings

You've read the book and seen the movie, frankly if Da Vinci had that much time on his hands more power to him but I'm aware the real secrets lie with the templar knights because I hold the family templar crest, it's basically bred into you like a cat is genetically bred to hunt so if you don't get that well maybe we'd have to discuss it. However that's not what I'm here to mention today, what I'm here for is to find a research assistant would jump down the quantum rabbit hole with me and turn this little reality on it's ear because I've recently discovered after watching several old trading spaces shows and extreme home make over that the anti christ could be ty pennington. Yes that's right hottie carpenter extrodinare could be the son of evil.

The evidence is he's wealthy, great looking, helps others less fortunate, can build anything, and can assemble the masses, and most of all is highly trusted. OMG does it get any clearer than that??? I'm certain that when he gets into policticing that he'll tray to build some dang temple and hey I'm not even going to get into the Red Bull theory because I'm not wishing to start a end of days frenzy here but I will say under that head of hair mr Ty sports is the numbers 666 and we're going to find it and expose him to the world for the evil that he is, you with me? drop a line and we can go over the details in my grem free self contained end of days secure storm shelter.

Blondes have more... sketch

I don't trust guys with blond hair.

Strange but true. lol

Airfare is irrational

So for Christmas, just like last year, all I want to do is get a ticket that will take me from Raleigh to Kansas City... and then from Fargo, ND back to Raleigh. That's because I'll be meeting my family in Kansas for a 100th birthday party, then driving back to Minnesota for Christmas. Here are the results:

Get both tickets together: $340
JUST Raleigh to KC: $98
JUST Fargo to Raleigh: $700

Ummmmmmmm...?

Weird. Truly nonsensical but hey.

Half Nelson

I went and saw Half Nelson this afternoon. It's a movie about a white inner-city history teacher and his friendship with a young black girl (she's on the basketball team he coaches). So, I realize there are a lot of movies that sound like this, but what sets this one apart? I guess it's that the teacher is so messed up. He's a crack addict. The girl (Drey) sees him at his worst, more than once.

Mutual brokenness...

Brokenness from the one who should, for every reason, be strong.

I just read this on IMDB, and it's a pretty good summary of how the movie made me feel. It doesn't have amazing writing or anything like that... but somehow it took me into a world that I rarely enter and made me feel things that are difficult to articulate.

"If the strength of the medium of film is to relay meaning which cannot be expressed in words, then I don't think a review of this film on my part would be worth much... In the spirit of keeping things trite, let me just say I have seen quite a few films, quite a few classics, quite a few masterpieces, and frankly, none of them have moved me as much as this film did. How the BRILLIANT director/writers whom I'm sure we have not seen the last of, managed to weave together seamlessly political commentary, commentary on the nature of the modern family/relationships, existential struggles, racial tensions and ironies, and the very struggles with which we are born by simply being human, is beyond me. The end result was nothing short of a masterpiece. This movie will make you think, feel, and hope. Perfection projected."

So go see it if you want. Don't have high expectations though. I didn't think it was quite as life-changing as this person did, but it was definitely a needed foray into other people's lives.

Love came and we were all afraid

I am still running
Oh, I am still running
Running from the knowledge
That eye, that love

Oh, I am still running
I am still running
Running from the knowledge
From which there's no refuge

For you meant only love - and loved
And I felt only fear and pain

So once in Israel
LOVE CAME
And we were all afraid.

("Still Running," eastmountainsouth)

I know I've blogged about this song before. I just like it. So take that.

I'm at a bakery-cafe in Northern Virgina and SOMETHING AMAZING just came out of the ovens... smells like toffee and brown sugar and everything wonderful. Yummm. It's cold and it's rainy and I love it.

So I think I may drive back to Raleigh tonight, depending upon whether Liz will surface or not.

Heart's cry

You know that song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol?

It sounds to me like a Vineyard worship song... or some kind of heartful, honest song to God. I like that the song is popular right now. In some weird way, it actually gives me hope for humanity.

And I've been thinking of humanity a lot in the last few days. I'm in the DC area. There are a freakin' LOT of people here. They stress me out. There are lots of hot people (more than Raleigh, lol). There are lots of foreign-born people. They are operating the empire (that's for you, Micah) right here from this city. Mostly they are each just playing very small parts of it. Tons of them are housekeepers or roofers for the homes of people running the empire. Anyway, humanity all around...

Loveology, Forgive-me-ology

Listen to this song, "Loveology" by Regina Spektor. (It will take a minute to download... be patient.)

Oh, an incurable humanist you are.

Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all

Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Oh, An incurable humanist you are.

Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all

Let's go to the movies,
I will sing you a song about nothing at all

Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.

Sit down class, open up your textbooks to page 42.

Porcupine-ology, antler-ology, car-ology, bus-ology, train-ology, plane-ology, mama-ology, papa-ology,you-ology, me-ology, love-ology, kiss-ology, stay-ology, please-ology.

Let's study class, let's study class. Sit down.

Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.

Let's study class, let's study class.

Love-ology. Let's study class, sit down.

Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology. I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.

Love-ology

Oh, an incurable humanist you are
Oh, forgive me, Oh, forgive me, Oh.
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology

100 Hours of Pure Joy: If the Democrats Win Congress Next Month

The two party leaders, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., and Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev., are promoting a six-prong "New Direction for America" agenda -- their so-called "Six for '06."

Pelosi has also promised that within 100 hours after taking control of the House on January 3, Democrats will pass legislation to increase the minimum wage, mandate the negotiation of Medicare prescription drug prices, fully implement the recommendations of the 9/11 commission, and repeal tax benefits for big oil companies.

And that would be only the start. Other Democrats -- especially prospective committee chairmen eager to gain, or regain, control of the gavels -- are bubbling over with possible initiatives across the public policy spectrum.

For instance, Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., in line to chair the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee, wants to push legislation to reduce greenhouse gases, while Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., who may lead the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee, is looking to cut interest rates on student loans. On the other side of the Capitol, Rep. Charles Rangel, D-N.Y., the prospective House Ways and Means Committee chairman, wants a more bipartisan policy on international trade, including better protections for U.S. workers.

(From MSNBC at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14833983/)

I love all of these things! Let it be so!!!!!!!!!!! lol Seriously though. It would be like the end of the nightmare. I'm sorry to say something so pro-Dem but I just think all these things are very positive for our country and we are not doing so well right now. We need a change. Oh yeah, add to this list repealing the disgusting tax cuts for the wealthiest people in America. And giving funding back to programs like HeadStart. Or addressing the fact that the number of people living in poverty has increased every year, as well as the number (and proportion) of people without medical insurance. But I digress...

Well whatever you think... even if you totally disagree with me... (I can't believe I'm saying this to those of you.. haha).. but vote in November.

Regina revisited

Sooo my friend Gina (not REgina) called me on Saturday night - when I was on a spontaneous trip in the mountains of North Carolina - to tell me REgina Spektor was playing in DC in a few days and ohh how she wished she had someone to go with. I gave her Regina's CD a few months ago, so she didn't know anyone else who liked her besides me.

So, begrudgingly, hesitantly (HA), I said I will go! I didn't think it was super wise - I really paused for about 120 seconds with the phone in my hand thinking about driving up to DC on one afternoon and heading back the next morning - but I wanted to carpe diem. After all, I may not be a freelancer forever so I intend to start actively enjoying the benefits of schedulelessness.

(As an aside, the whole thing turned into a business trip which I will, within hours, have very good news or very bad news about... I'm waiting for a phone call or email.)

So we saw Regina last night at the 9:30 Club! She is an amazing songwriter and singer. I don't know if I would exactly say she's an amazing performer because she's pretty shy on stage, but she is amazing at her art. There is literally no one in the world like her. She is silly and playful and beautiful and nasty and profane all at the same time. It's quite special.

I saw her last at Easter (6 months ago) and the shows were very similar. The main differences were that (1) she has gotten significantly more famous since the last show. The place was totally packed out which I wasn't thrilled with, but hey... it's a great small venue nonetheless, and (2) She now has a band for half of the set. Which makes it harder to understand her awesome sing-songy storytelling and probably irritates all the people who think she has sold out to pop, but I think she's just enjoying it.

The only other little reflection I have on Regina's concert is that her fans, like most devoted fans of anyone famous, totally idolize her. The whole crowd was staring at her in silent amazement and, in some way, worship. It makes me kind of sad because... isn't each person worthy of such love and adoration? Isn't the spark of the divine in every human life? No seriously! I know you think I'm going off on some ridiculous Catholic tangent, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes a person will do something special and it will remind you that you love that person and you will want to take ownership of them... you will want to be associated with them... and though that feeling comes and goes for the people in your life, they pretty much deserve it all the time - that love. I guess I just wish that the guy that asked me for a dollar on 14th Street yesterday could have what Regina had for even just 5 seconds.

A band worth noting

I would just like to give special acknowledgements to Jars of Clay who are, I believe, a really amazing band. You may think they're not cool, but you would be wrong! They have created so many amazing songs, and each CD has its own unique feel. I am impressed at the music that has come out of those guys. Being able to write so many different songs, both musically and lyrically, is a huge feat. I currently love this song Work and should not under any circumstances buy any CDs right now but I really want their new one. Gah! :)

Anyway, let's revisit an old favorite... from their first CD which was groundbreaking in every way. You should listen to this song again if you have it.

Liquid

Arms nailed down - are you telling me something?
Eyes turned out - are you looking for someone?
This is the one thing
The one thing that I know

Blood-stained brow - are you dying for nothing?
Flesh and blood - is it so elemental?
And this is the one thing
The one thing that I know

Blood-stained brow - he wasn't broken for nothing.
Arms nailed down -he didn't die for nothing.
This is the one thing
The one thing that I know.

How NOT to handle rejection

If you have like 5 or 10 minutes and you want to laugh, check this out.

It is the real-life, very recent story of Darren Sherman. It is complete with not only narrative, but actual audio clips of voice mails he left for Joanne - a girl who did not take him up on a second date. If you have time, listen to all of it.

Thanks again to Liz for this. Hah!

Play an ipod game with me

Well here's a fun distraction...

Step 1: Put your MP3 player on random.
Step 2: Post the first one or two lines from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

1. While we're young and beautiful, kiss me like you mean it...

2. A woman who in childhood was physically abused by her father may find that her pain body becomes easily activated in any close relationship with a man. (this is spoken word, not music :)

3. I should tell you, I should tell you... Benny wasn't anyth... shhhh... I know...

4. I will come to you, you don't mind this mess, cause I have brushed up my act but I'm still an orphan in rags tryin' to look her best

5. I hear the ticking of the clock - I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark... (Heart, "Alone," guessed by Cornett Snack)

6. When I am (?)... then I am all alone, burdened by my sin and shame, there's one place I can go

7. I want you to meditate on your body's ability to heal itself... (spoken word again)

8. I came home tonight, I came home so I could hide out, the shadows have become my sun and I feel like I'm the only one who's shady. (Aaron Espe, "The Reduse," guessed by Cornett Snack)

9. This means that your happiness and your unhappiness are in fact one; only the illusion of time separates them. (spoken word)

10. I liked the way my hand looked on your head in the presence of my knuckles, but the beauty of this vision alone just like yesterday's sunset has been perverted by the sentimental and mistaken for love. (Live, "Iris," guessed by Philip)

11. So much for never making the same mistake - I can't believe I'm here again...

12. Break our hearts, oh God, break our hearts...

13. In the glory of your presence I find peace, I find rest for my soul.

14. In a little cafe just the other side of the border, she was a-sitting there giving me looks that made my mouth water... (Jay and the Americans, "Come a Little Bit Closer," guessed by Philip)

15. More shine today, let's just say the admiration's been unfit for who I am

16. You have led me to the sadness, I have carried this pain on a back bruised and nearly broken, I'm crying out to you

17. There's a kind of emptiness that can fill you, there's a kind of hunger that can eat you up.

18. You sit and stare out at the sky and think of ways to fake a smile, but life is never what it seems - sometimes it only takes awhile...

19. 24 oceans, 24 skies, 24 failures, and 24 tries... 24 finds me in in 24th place

20. I was sleeping by the wasteside of tomorrow but it's better than sleeping by the wasteside of today

Singleness... good for now

In some ways, I like being single now more than I ever have before. I am more independent and more introverted than I ever have been. I think becoming a freelancer and living alone have helped me come into my own... not that it's helped me grow as a person, but it has helped me become comfortable with who I already am. I even feel this special connection with God when I am alone. It is amazing to me that the same God who was present when I was a baby at birth, is the same God who is with me right now, and will be with me when I take my last breath and die in old age (hopefully that's the time). There's something so amazingly familiar and intimate and SECRET about the way this God knows me! I usually HATE the word 'secret' when applied to the Lord, but there really is something secret and hidden about my relationship with Him. I can be "bad" about conversing with this Lord or not doing what I "should" be doing or whatever... that can even go on for months... but the moment I whisper His name, He is there. (Even before.) He is sooooooo close. So we've established that I like singleness. It is a gift. This is, I believe, the first time I've concluded this.

At the same time, I really want to be in a relationship. I am taking a break from internet dating due to recent FREAKY circumstances, but... I would just like to say, I think I am a great catch. haha. And someday someone will find that out, and I will LOVE giving him everything I am (and expect no less from him). I didn't used to think I was a great catch but now I do. Jason, what you said about some guy somewhere sorting through all this "trash" to get to me... the same way I've been dealing with a lot of "trash" in the form of dishonest guys... that is really cool. That really inspires me. :) Thanks.

Anyway. My point is that I think all of this is unfolding in its own timing. I'm really thankful (in some ways) for singleness right now. I am encountering a loving God in it. He knows what he is doing.

You know what, let me just add one more thing in that regard. I came to Raleigh not to have a great commercial writing career, but to be a part of a community... a church. It was one of the easiest decisions of my entire life because all my life circumstances came together to make it a clear and easy choice. It was really beautiful. Well I was at a conference a week or two ago, and the speaker was going on about how friendly Raleigh is to entrepreneurs... how there is a fresh entrepreneurial spirit here. I was sort of jotting down notes from the speaker and I think I wrote down - wow, Lord... you have a plan don't you? You really know what you are doing with me. I almost cried with how loved and cared for I felt at that moment. He is making everything come together in the right timing.

He knows what he is doing with each of us... he knows us.

Inspiration

I'm working on writing website copy for a 16 year old kid. I haven't met him, but the marketing company I work with is doing this project. You'll think he's notable for this reason: two years ago, he lost his left arm in a boating accident. He's more notable for this reason: he not only overcame that with an amazingly positive attitude, but he is excelling and winning competitions in wakeboarding, lacrosse, and golf, and he plays about 10 more sports.

Honestly, from a head level, I thought the story was great and all, and I enjoyed reading through all the clips about him - local news stories, People Magazine, the Today Show, etc.

But what did it for me was playing the 5 minute video reel with photos from his life growing up all the way through to today. Photos of him picking up his sisters and holding them on his shoulders, casting a fishing rod into the lake with his Dad... eventually it goes to the hospital pictures.

The song playing is... I'm 15 for a moment, caught in between 10 and 20 and I'm just dreaming... 15 there's still time for you, time to buy and time to lose, 15 there's never a wish better than this, when you only got 100 years to live.

Man... I am like truly, truly, TRULY inspired to the point of tears!

After tons of people have said how much he inspired them, he is dedicating his life (well at least for now :) to motivational speaking. He's already spoken at schools, churches, and to over 600 mortgage brokers! The idea is just going beyond your own expecations for yourself... believing in yourself to be who you want to be and do what you want to do.

Really puts things in perspective doesn't it? Well it probably doesn't for you... because it didn't for me. It took the photos and music for it to hit me. But it's an amazing story.

Alone, I lie to myself

Just in case, I will leave my things packed so I can run away
I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release

I have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone.'
What I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone.'

Empty spaces, shadows hit by street lights
Warning signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet

Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone,'
What I mean when I say, 'I don't want to be alone'

I have no fear of drowning.
It's the breathing that's taking all this work.

("Work," Jars of Clay, Good Monsters)

Ch-ch-ch-Cheney

I never knew this white boy had rhythm. I think it gets especially good at the ch-ch-cheney part.

Killer Scientologist

It's very unfortunate, but it seems Tom Cruise has killed Oprah.

Carbonite is amazing

I think I found the answer to all my problems: Carbonite.

Download this. Use it. It will automatically back-up all your computer files, constantly, unlimitedly (uh.. yeah), for just $5 a month.

Yes, my sanity is worth $5 a month. My time backing up stuff on CDs and flash drives is worth $5 a month. Thank you, Carbonite.

Sent to be tortured

The United States "very likely" sent a Canadian software engineer to Syria, where he was tortured, based on the false accusation by Canadian authorities that he was suspected of links to al-Qaida, according to a new government report.

This AP article talks about the United States' practice of extraordinary rendition. It is illegal. The CIA does not get to make the laws. Come on.

What I really don't understand is this:

U.S. and Syrian officials refused to cooperate with the Canadian inquiry.

How does our country get to refuse to cooperate?

You're what I need

Drew gave me a few worship CDs to borrow. They have a great version of this song... and by great I mean totally normal and downplayed and beautiful.

You are the fountain of my life
And in your light I find my reason
Cause your love reaches to the stars, even the great deep
And your love reaches to this heart, and makes me sing

Your love reaches me
It's what I need, it's what I need
Your love reaches me
It's what I need, it's what I need.

Oh Lord, how priceless is your unending love!
Both high and low find refuge in your shadow!

Why I do what I do

Top reasons why my blog is not famous:

• I don't stick to one topic.
• I mostly write about myself. Hah. AND I LIKE IT.
• I alienate everyone on one issue or another. Either I am too liberal, too Jesusy, or generally way too opinionated.
• I don't try to publicize it.
• I try to leave out proper nouns so my business contacts don't find my crazy mental meanderings on the world wide web.
• I am vague so I can mock, parody, criticize, or otherwise question people or things that I encounter.

According to Micah, a blog is nothing less than masturbation. Yes, I just said that. But hey this is the era of global corporations. If they are going to dominate the world through unbridled capitalism and sheer greed, I am going to have my little corner of the universe and say things that make me happy.

Drew had a good point the other day. He said that everything in our world is designed to make us feel empty. Companies do this through their marketing to make us think we need and want what they have to offer. Incidentally, the result is we feed the emptiness with more emptiness when we consume what will not and cannot satisfy.

Anyway let's go back to analyzing this blog. Top reasons I like it ANYWAY!!

• I can change the font and colors and stuff as much as I want. Aesthetics are everything - admit it.
• Publishing is just plain fun. It's like sending a memo to your investors. It's like putting a hot wax seal on a handwritten letter to your lover. It's like planning a party or having a drug intervention. Think about it...*
• (I need to interrupt this blog broadcast by saying I am at Stone Wolf Coffee, and they just played Rhinestone Cowboy followed by the theme song for Three's Company. I was loving this place till 5 minutes ago. lol)
• Writing for me is a way of working things out. I can't think clearly about something until I start to write about it.
• (Let me interrupt again to say some guy just came in and is sitting right where I need to plug in this contraption! But he's cute. So I will forgive him.)
• I blog for the same reason people talk to themselves, or laugh at their own jokes. That's it.

* When I say "Think about it" what I really mean is, "Don't think about it."

Great timing

The other day, my Mom asked my Dad how he was doing. He sighed and said happily, "I am having a Jenny day." lol This is true.

I had to ask... Well, according to my Dad, a Jenny day is when all your projects come together and/or something very serendipitous happens. If this is the definition, most of MY days are not Jenny days, but I have definitely had about 10 of them since becoming a freelancer.

The most recent one was Friday, and I feel compelled to blog about this because it was so cool and so strange. I visited this local business networking group over 3 months ago... wait, I will find the date in my inbox... June 12, 2006... oh my gosh, 3 months ago to the DAY! This is getting freaky. (I was just guessing 3 months.) Anyway, even though it was my first time and I was only visiting, this guy gave me a referral. He wrote on a slip of paper the name and number of someone who might be interested in my writing services. My plan was to call soon, but I didn't call that week, or the next week, or even the next month.

Yes, I procrastinated 3 months away!! Well I wasn't just totally slacking - it was project overload that caused me to be slow - but even when the projects eased up I didn't call.

Finally, on Friday, I decided to call because I am joining this networking group and I didn't want to face them again without having followed up on the referral they gave me! So call I did.

The guy I spoke with returned my phone call within a couple hours and said something very strange: I'm glad you called - this is great timing!

Whaaaaa?! 3 months later is great timing? It turns out they have 3 regular people (the rest are all independent contractors) and as of the end of this week, their WRITER is moving to San Francisco. So they needed someone who they could trust to do good work... everything from business proposals to technical writing to marketing collateral.

I just came from my face-to-face meeting with this guy, and it went great! They're going to start me off with something small so they can see how I work, and I can see how they work (well more for the first reason :). I'm excited and thankful.

The end of books

I'm currently very disillusioned with books because I have realized that anyone can publish one, and that the things you might read in one book are, almost definitely, contradicted in 100s of others. The daily responsibility of filtering truth from myself is overwhelming enough - add to it an information flow attacking me through innocent BOOKS and I may very well drown. :)

Of course it's not just books - ideas and information come in many ways. But the fact that I can find a book to reinforce any worldview or opinion of mine is a little disconcerting. What is truth!? And who can we believe to point us toward it?

Here is a tremendously fascinating Washington Post article about Blue Media and Red Media. In a nutshell, Republicans like FOX and Democrats divide their attention between CNN and NPR. Haha. Not super surprising. But hopefully you DO find it super disconcerting. Choosing news sources that reinforce your current views seems strange and unhelpful for the person with an open mind. On the other hand, we select our sources on a constant basis - who we spend time with, what places we visit, which companies we buy from, etc.

In a world where we choose the news source that is most compatible with our status quo beliefs, do we have more freedom or less? Does that bring us closer to truth or further away?

Personally, I am finding that the subjectivity is where it's at. I'm having more and more of a sense of awe at our intuition. Now don't get freaked out - I'm not necessarily saying all the answers are within me or within you. But in a way, they are. All I have is my own mind and my own conscience to tell me what's good and right and true. In a way, I also have a very loving community to help me with this, but honestly, they don't agree on most matters of contention.

I guess that, for deciding what's true, the other thing I rely on is getting out into "the real world" and gathering empirical evidence - what do I see? But even then, my choice of going into the ghetto to see the real world may be opposed to your idea of going into New York's financial district where, in your perspective, "real life" happens. So even then, even if we could agree on a common circumstance that portrays reality, we have to use our minds, feelings, intution, conscience, etc. to gather and sort information about reality. We will still come to different conclusions. Even if we could get so far as to agree about truth and reality, the way we emphasize different things - by how much we love certain things, how much time and concern we devote to them - this will also show that what we believe to be TRUE, or most true, differs greatly.

Sigh. Life in the year 2006. You asked for it; you got it - Americaaaaaaaa. lol

Beauty tips

This is a poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

I will make you hurt

This music video is amazing. God invented music videos just for this, I think.

Hurt

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything

What have I become? my sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away in the end
And you could have it all - my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear
You are someone else, I am still right here

What have I become? my sweetest friend
Everyone I knowgoes away in the end
And you could have it all - my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

(Johnny Cash, "Hurt")

Lacking and Slacking

Here is an interesting BBC article explaining the international despair over Darfur. The most telling, paragraph, comes near the end:

Darfur has found itself a crisis that neither the UN nor the relatively new African Union can solve. The UN has lacked the will to intervene and the African Union has lacked the means.

How is it that we go into Iraq, but not Sudan? If preemption could possibly apply to a crisis like this, then sign me up for that ideology. We need to quit sitting on our hands. We need to quit letting a few pain-in-the-a Sudanese power-hungry leaders keep millions of people in unthinkably horrible circumstances.

Do you like Target or Walmart?

Target as Bad as Walmart? You Decide
by Kari Lyderson

Interesting article... it's hard to make any certain conclusions from it, but really - why do we view Target with so much more respect than Walmart? Is it all image, or are they really doing some things better? The final paragraphs about other retail stores paying a living wage is interesting.

In some ways, I am almost glad that they don't pay a CRAZY-good hourly rate, because it would make them less competitive and eventually, the only choice we would have is Walmart. Does that make sense? The biggest problem with doing business ethically and in a socially responsible way is that it will cripple competitiveness, and eventually your company won't even be around to offer that slightly better alternative! It's a true dilemma.

Secret CIA prisons suck

If you haven't had a chance to read the news lately, let me bring you up to speed: President Bush announced that all the 9/11 terror suspects are being moved from secret CIA prisons in foreign countries to Guanantamo Bay where they will be brought to justice.

YAY! Right? Not so much.

Read between the lines...

• Why do secret CIA prisons exist?
• What occurs at these secret CIA prisons? If you think the Geneva Conventions are upheld, you are in lala land. In fact, if you think there is any oversight whatsoever, you are deluding yourself. Nobody even knew (until yesterday) who was in these prisons. We still don't really know.
• Why are they being transferred to Guantanomo Bay... a hellhole of injustice and despair? Over the last 5 years, 770 prisoners have been held there. Up until July of this year, the Administration has been adamant and very vocal in saying they don't think the Geneva Conventions apply to these people. There have been at least 44 suicide attemps - at least 3 successful. (Amazing, considering the circumstances.) Up to 200 prisoners at a time have gone on hunger strikes, and were then force-fed through tubes. No one held at Guantanamo has been charged.
• The court system that President Bush wants to use is, at this point, illegal. ILLEGAL. The Supreme Court struck down their idea a couple months ago, and said Congress had to authorize it first.
• The court system President Bush wants to use would allow for secret evidence. Evidence that the accused person would not know about, and maybe not even the accused person's lawyer. Is that American?
• The court system President Bush wants to use would allow for testimony gathered through coercion. Not torture, granted... but coercion. Do you see what a fine line this is? Do you see how problematic it is to accepted testimony that was extracted under coercive circumstances? Especially when these prisoners were interrogated in secret prisons. Who exactly is certifying that it was coercion and not torture?

In conclusion, let me just say, WHAT THE FREAK.

Let me put a little patriotic disclaimer here. Why do I care about terrorists' rights? What about the rights of the people who died on 9/11? And so on.

To me, terrorists are still humans. And if we want to operate in a undemocratic, inhumane, illegal, militant way... well that is just the kind of world we will create.

Prevent another Abu Ghraib

The White House is reportedly planning to ask Congress to approve legislation that would permit abusive interrogations. If they succeed, we will go down in history as the first nation to retreat from the hallowed Geneva Conventions, which prohibit cruel and degrading treatment.

Stop this misguided effort in its tracks. Write the President today and demand that he drop his bid to retain the right to abuse detainees.

You are...

Possibly one of the most beautiful and truthful songs ever written.

EVERY SEASON

Every evening sky - an invitation to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration for freedom that is ours
And i notice You in children's games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
YOU are summer...

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still i notice You when change begins
And i embrace for colder winds
i will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
YOU are autumn...

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white
All creation shivers underneath
And still i notice You when branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death You open doors for life to enter
YOU are winter...

And everything that's new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You, and how You make me new
with every season's change
And so it will be, as You are recreating me
summer... autumn... winter... spring.

(Nichole Nordeman)

Easy, Ernesto

The last 2 weeks in Minnesota were almost totally sunny, and in the upper 60s and lower 70s. For those of you who don't know this about me yet - fall weather is my DRUG. God has literally wired my mind to function at full capacity with all the right chemicals when fall is happening around me. No lie. So needless to say, it made me happy.

Coming back to grey, grey, grey, cloudy, grey, rainy, more rain, grey Raleigh kinda sucks a bit. lol Hope this storm passes soon and without much damage to people's lives.

I don't get it

My boyfriend is a complete and total spaz. When we are apart, he is as good as dead to me. He has some sort of moral or mental failure which prevents him from contacting me. At all. Completely at all. None, nada. And we've been apart more of the last 2 months than together. But when we are together, we are so happy that we should be married.

And they say girls are crazy? Come on. I never knew a boy could be on SO MUCH CRACK!

I don't know how long this will last. Probably not long. It has been fun and magical, and it has been frustrating and torturous. Here's to settling it once and for all in September...

The Wailin Jennys

...and I like them. And they're playing in Greensboro (1 hour away) on October 20. Coooooool.

Sad to be leaving

Well now that it's 9:58pm on the night before I fly out of Minnesota, I'm sad to be leaving. I'm really sad. It sucks saying goodbye. Just typing this makes tears start to come to my eyes. I know my Mom will cry tomorrow, just for a second, but she'll cry. And I'll know that it's okay that I'm leaving, but it still sucks living far from my family. And yet it really makes no sense at all for me to be here. I guess I could have bigger problems... I mean I love my family, we're constantly connected by phone, I see them a few times a year, and I have great opportunities that cause me to live a couple plane rides away. I am doing fine. It's just that people are the most important. And... well... I don't know if any of you have experienced this... I know Amanda has... but when you come home and you can visit friends or family, though you really want to visit your friends, there is something sacred about your family. Friends, as they say, honestly do come and go. They let you down. Well family can let you down too, but they don't disappear. Each time I've come back to Minnesota, I've spent less time with my friends and more with my family.

The people you love - be it blood-related family or church family or just true friends or whatever - people are pretty much everything.

Because I want to see the Smokies

I've wanted to take a road trip to Tennessee for so long now. I am GOING to take a roadtrip there this fall. It just occurred to me that there's nothing stopping me. I'll invite James (if he's still waiting for me when I return. lol) I'm inviting you freelancers who are also largely free from schedules, and yes you know who you are. But ultimately I am just gonna go... even if it's just me.

10,000 Lakes

Ready for another 12 year old girl style journal entry? Heh. Today we went to Silver Lake. Actually, all I wanted to say, is that I rode in the boat my brother restored, and also we got to ride his friend's jetski. It is the first time I've been on one and it was soooooo fun. HELLO walking on water! It's crazy how you go so fast that you're just skimming and the water surface becomes like any other surface. After taking my Mom for a wild spin, I came back to shore and asked my brother to drive. Yep. We capsized. Well we turned on a big wave, which threw me over and I was hugging him so tightly that he came off, too. HA! All we could do is laugh like crazy. It was a great thrill because we suddenly got over any fear about falling into the middle of the lake. The jetski battery was dead so we were stranded... his friends came out in Mike's boat but for some reason it was going at a snail's pace. Apparently some pin was lost, and Mike's boat died, too. Finally another boat rescued us - 6 of us - desperately holding the little 1960s boat and the jetski together. Good times... I wish I'd had my camera out there.

I'm only here for a couple more days. You know, being on vacation has made me lethargic. I mean, I've been moving... we've been doing a lot... but my muscles are so tired and don't want to do much. Now that I re-read that, it sounds very normal for vacation, but it's just a strange feeling.

My family keeps hinting that I should move to Minneapolis.

I'll be sad to go, but also glad to get back to Raleigh. I need as much of a life rhythm as possible right now. I do wish I lived near my family... maybe someday but not in the immediate future.

World Peace

I work with a Christian economic development organization. My Dad, as a side business, is starting an online directory of services and products that might be called New Age. It's really much more than that... it's hard to put a name on the whole thing, but you can see it here.

It's hard to say where I'm at spiritually. I'm a Christian but... not in the typical sense, maybe. I can't even describe or understand myself and my relationship to God. I mean hopefully soon I will be able to, but I'm not really at that point yet... I'm growing.

Anyway, last night my Dad and I went to Red Lobster late for drinks and appetizers (yum). We spent the whole evening talking about my Dad's favorite... what do I call him... teacher, speaker, peace-loving man... his name is Eckhart Tolle and his passion is the power of NOW. Honestly, I have listened to some of his CDs, and what he has to say is very good and non-threatening. A person from any religion could listen and benefit in huge ways because he's talking about presence, awareness, consciousness, being, LIFE! He's not talking about anything that conflicts with our religious beliefs. In fact, Jesus understood this stuff about presence very well. Consider the lillies...

My Dad kept trying to convince me to listen to it. I told him I want to, the only thing keeping me from listening is not fear - it's lack of time. I'm bad at time management anyway (I like to just have fun)... add to that the fact that I work for myself and it's just hard to take time for quietness. Of course that's the world's worst excuse and I know that.... all I have is now. That's all I have. (Do I even believe that? It's true!)

The original purpose of this post was to say that this woman here in Fargo has a little operation going and it's all focused on peace - everything from inner peace to global peace. She left a voicemail on my parents' answering machine looking for me. Her message was a little funny cause she was like, "I heard all about wonderful Jen and her work on this planet, and I'd like to talk to her." Uhh okay. (She literally said 'on this planet' about 5 times.)

I finally called her back today, not sure if she was interested in hearing about my writing/communications work, our church life attempts, or what! Turned out she was interested in the economic development work I'm doing with the non-profit. I told her all about it and she was very interested. She asked if I would come and speak to a small group to share more and give them opportunities to get involved, possibly.

That's when I had to bring in the C-word: it's a Christian organization. Everything we do is unabashedly Christian. We bring clean water to the poorest communities in Africa, yes... it's very tangible... but we never leave it at that. Clean water is our way of telling the story of Jesus as the Living Water that quenches all thirst. If I am totally candid, I will tell you that even that makes me slightly uncomfortable sometimes. It's like providing basic resources to dying children is stipulated on them letting us talk about God as we know him. (Don't I sound so modern? So sickeningly contemporary and skeptical? Hah.) But if who we know God to be, in Jesus Christ, is true, then what's the problem? Why the uneasiness in me? Maybe it's because I know how this will be carried out. I know the people will do it with a missions-minded frenzy. Ugh. There's so much I can't even really say on here because I'd hate to say key words that are google-able.

Well finally I told this woman that it is a Christian organization and every project we do is marked by that. She was disappointed, I could tell... but she kept finding ways for us to get over that divide and still have me speak to her group. I just thought it would have made them tremendously uncomfortable, and maybe me, too. There would have been no way for them to engage with our organization in particular, because they never would have agreed with the way we do it. Clean water and church planting? They would have none of that.

So... sigh. I was glad I didn't get roped into that, but kind of bummed that there is a division between me and this woman. We both have photos of girls from around the world in our homes. We both have a heart that leaps when we think about children in poverty, and creating opportunity, and common life, that sort of thing. But the way we go about it is so different... maybe that's fine. It just is a divide that I wish wasn't there.

Out of the running

Can I just tell you that on MSNBC, the guy just said:

Pluto is now the William Hung of our solar system.

HAH!

Also, they keep talking about how it will take years to update all the world's textbooks. I wonder what the total cost is of something like that. That'd be fascinating trivia.

Hope you like my new look

So... this is exciting... Blogger has a new beta version! Go through your dashboard to find it and switch to it. The coolest part is that it's integrated with Google. Which, by the way, is taking over the world, but creatively and smartly, and so that makes it ok. :)

Yes, the orange slice is random. I also wanted to put a red leaf there so I played with that for quite awhile in Photoshop. The editing system they built into the back end of the new Blogger Beta is awwwesome.

Pluto no es una planeta

So I woke up today and found out Pluto is no longer a planet. What next - the sky isn't blue? The grass isn't green? The world isn't flat?!

It's just funny that facts can change. It makes me feel small and humbled in a good way. Less sure of myself but in a crazy way, more sure of grace.

The Open Door

I admit it, I'm excited about Evanescence's new CD releasing on October 3. I don't even have their previous ones, but I started liking them just as they retreated from the public world a couple years ago.

God gave us laptops, and there was much rejoicing

Squidoo's How to Set Up Your Office in a Coffee Shop

Required reading for all my freelancer friends.

A trippy walk down memory lane

Swimming through memories can be a little unsettling, almost like self-induced vertigo.

Today I decided to take down the 8 or so boxes my Mom had neatly packed away in the top of my bedroom closet at home. (There are lots of other boxes with childhood toys and keepsakes - but these boxes were school papers and other more recent things.)

I had 4 shoeboxes completely packed with handwritten letters, mostly from 7th grade (when I first moved away from friends and home as I knew it, from Kansas to South Dakota) to college. It's amazing but the switch from handwritten letters to emails as the predominant or default form of communication took place not very long ago at all. Sure, it depends on who you are, how much you use computers, and what area of the country and world you live in, but for me... the switch took place probably around 1998 or 1999. It probably became official in college when I had to email to keep in touch with everyone in my previous life.

Anyway, looking through these letters was fun, surreal, and creepy. Who is the me who wrote those letters? I'm still me, but so changed.

Also, it's amazing how you forget who the people were who kept in touch with you. It shocked me to be confronted with the evidence that certain people wrote letter after letter after letter to me. From Kansas, there was Erin and Ianne and Amanda. From South Dakota, Katryna of course and Keisha and Katrina. From Minnesota well... no one really, but lots of graduation announcements and parties. Hah. From the internet? TONS of online friends who became "real life pen-pals" to me. Ibrahim from the UAE, Amir from Israel, James from Georgia, Joseph from Massachusetts, Mike from Minnesota... the list goes on forever! Ben from DC wrote me until he got engaged - he had very pretty handwriting. Susan also wrote and still does. Oh and how could I forget Meghan, my coolest internet friend who then came to visit me in Minnesota. I had a ridiculously strong correspondence network the summer I was a camp counselor in Pennyslvania - I had my entire freshman floor writing to me. And from each camp I went to or trip I took, it seems I kept in touch with at least one person for months or years afterwards. What a crazy network of people... and each of them has changed me even if I can't remember or see how.

But really more than fun, throwing away all these letters (and salvaging a few things like photos and postcards) was a little depressing. I don't know why. I guess it's that I don't like to have baggage. I like to travel light on this journey. I like to keep moving forward. I could never have decided to read through all those letters, let alone keep them. They found their way to trash bags. It's hard throwing away your history, but harder still, I think, to hang on to it.