I'm
- sacred and profane
- reverent and indifferent/casual
- sincere and deceitful
- certain but doubtful
- creative but severely limited
- loving but jealous and fearful
- forgiving and resentful
- and the list goes on forever. Whatever good might be said of me, whatever of God might be found inside of me, is countered with something that negates it.
We're starting to share our testimonies as a community. My testimony - the story of my spiritual life - is this totally roundabout, cyclical, circular, nonsensical thing.
I realized that from hearing Curt share his story. Curt is very linear. Everything evolved in time in a linear way. He understood more of God, bit by bit. It's like God keeps taking him down this path. Farther up and further in...
Not me. I mean I have this moment in my history... April 6, 1998... when everything changed. I do know that much. I can question what exactly happened that night, but I unquestionably know that it set my entire life on a particular course.
But ever since then I kind of just go in circles. The good way for me to look at it is that I do know who God is essentially. Is there more of Him to know? Obviously yes. Obviously I know like 0.0000001 percent of God. But I know he is Love, so that takes me really far. I know He is not just a He... this God is also reflected in women. In fact, I would say this God is as much "woman" as "man," and so that tells me tons about God. I could go on about these big things that I know, not just in my mind but in my spirit, to be true of God. So that makes me feel like the going in circles is okay... after all, it's probably a good thing that you aren't in total shock discovering something new about a person all the time. It shows you know that person.
But I guess I just feel like I've been at an impasse with God for many years. I understand why people long for mystical communion. It's like finally consummating the marriage... but is there an enjoyment, a consummation, that can go on right now? Is it a church meeting? Am I being impatient? I'm sure I am. I know that our start-up meetings are not going to be super glorious. At the same time, I hate even saying that because it shows I am waiting for some later time, rather than encountering God right now.
What can I expect from God? I am living communally and intentionally, yes, but also very much as a 21st century individualist and a consumer. What makes the way I've organized my life and prepared my heart any different from others? And does this even have anything to do with how God meets me, or am I fooling myself to think I can prepare the way and have better chances?
What do I expect communion with God to look like and feel like? Do I think I'm going to like lose my mind-body control or have my spirit expand with joy until it explodes? I don't really know what it's supposed to be like. I only know that my restlessness seemed justified in the organized church. Here in the land of disorganization, I hope and pray that I can be content with encountering God in people and in everyday circumstances. Maybe I can even start to see restlessness as a gift or at least, as God stirring.
2 comments:
good blog. This is the one and the only. I have a myspace page and that's to talk about my poetry and nothing else. The notes on facebook are really just randomness.
For me talking aobut something, thinking about something, writing about something, keeps me from giving in to panic. I've bee having a lot of anxiety issues recently (ie panic attacks and heart problems) when I talk about it (write about it) it dispels stress. also I'd hate to up and walk out on y'all without any notice. As for what you can do. nothing really. This is just the way it is. I can say that there are days I'm so low I don't know what to do. Then there are days I smile and laugh. I have highs and lows. Hopefully it is not too burdensome. But my blog is more of a confessional without restraint. So if you don't want to worry don't read it. Maybe that works...i don't know. My life has never been this shitty before. I think I'll pull through, I think Iam pulling through.
I think you will pull through, too.
By all means write about it. I very much understand that... working things out through writing or otherwise splattering your insides upon paper (or screens :) I really do. I usually can't make sense of a situation until I start writing about it. Don't worry I will still be checking your blog :) .. now that i know which one to check!
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