Spirit not mind, sleepy yet most awake

I almost never wake up during the night. If I do get up for something, which I do so infrequently that I could almost name all the times in my life that I have (hah, well not quite), then I get this strange, almost out-of-body type feeling. Or even if it is just really early in the morning. For example, if it's a dark winter morning and I have to get up at 6am and get in the shower, I will feel strangely metaphysical and physical the whole time. My mind is just thinking... what is real? I am here under hot water, but living in a very cold and snowy place, and it's dark out and yet it's daytime, and I see my skin and I am definitely here, yet supposedly the most real part of me and this world is spiritual and unseen, and there is a Savior that loves me, and, this is all so weird?

I don't know how to explain it, really. I don't not like those times. They are kind of fascinating. It is almost like I am dreaming, you know? Maybe that explains it, that I am still in a bit of a dreamlike state. I am not sure.

But I bring this up because tonight, Curt, Drew, and Amanda talked about a new way to look at this feeling. I mean, they had no context for me thinking about that, but we are going to begin some "spiritual exercises" together... meeting with the Lord in the early morning... praying the Scriptures. No religious praying, no holy words, no anxiety even (that's the part I like! I get nervous praying in front of / with people). But just taking the psalms and other scriptures and speaking them to Christ. And Amanda and I were talking about what time to meet, and everyone agreed right when you get up before you get ready is the best time. When you're kinda half awake? Yes, they said. Because if you wait until you are dressed, your mind is already going a million miles an hour by then. Your mind will interfere. This is not about your mind. It is about your spirit. It is your spirit that speaks to and hears from the Lord.

Wow. That alone is this huge unweighting of relief to me. You mean I don't have to stay in control? I don't have to mentally manage and coordinate communion with God? The more I discover this way of walking in faith, walking in Him, the more I love it. I predict that weeks and months from now, I will not be able to imagine how I did it otherwise. Praying lists, reading passages, studying, thinking, meeting with others on a tight and rigid weekly schedule (one hour, two tops!)... ugh! I hate it all already.

I love that whatever Jesus came to bring, it was natural. It didn't involve pretense or doing. It was (and is) being. It is also freeing. It isn't law and it isn't list. It is time and space, and far beyond time and space.

What they said kind of clicked with my out-of-body mind wanderings. (Btw, I don't have certifiable out-of-body experiences, life just feels so oddly real and yet unreal in those moments.) It makes sense that when I am at my core and open to God, my mind doesn't need to start spinning like the hamster wheel it is. It is not necessary. Worship happens in spirit and in truth.