Little treasure

I made a great impulse purchase this weekend!! For details and a photo, you will have to wait. lol But be excited. Be very excited...

Idol is a big meanie

American Idol Develops a Mean Streak

Sadly, this is true! What is up with that? You have to wonder, how many of these mocked children are paid actors for American Idol... and how many just became much more suicidal after their precious dreams were smashed to pieces?!

So You Wanna Know Why I'm on Crack?

Well it's due to my father, who passed on the crack-addict type sense of humor and wackiness. I received this email from my Dad last night, after I sent him a draft of something I'm working on for his input.

Hey Daw Taw,
Paw Paw pleased with daw taws timid efforts. Continue with the knowledge that not to continue is not to finish. Not too Finnish has been called Swedish which would leave everyone reading this to say Ufda. To say Ufda is to say nothing when one is Swedish and not finished. So Finnish and seak now in this document to be the answer my little grasshopper. Instead of the answer be the statement which creates its own question which is self-answered. Do not think I am going on and on, rambling without purpose. No, I am going on and on to amuse myself. You, on the other hand, must reject your French DNA and Finish what we have started. UUUFFFFDAAAAAAA!

Love
Da Pauper (Paw paw) Dr Pep per (Dad) ... your dad, in truth.... truthfully I am your dad
Enough said, are you still reading? Shame on you! FINNISH!

Reprieve from the clouds

Well, lots to say. First of all, it totally was the weather getting me down. My good friend the sun is back in the sky, reminding me that I am not trapped under a sphere of clouds and therefore can breathe and have high thoughts. Clouds make me claustrophic when they linger for days like that... sheeesh. I literally ran to the window and said hello when my friend came back this morning. I would be the most depressed maniac if I had to live in a sunless wasteland.

Next, I had a great workout today with Malak. I even did push-ups on the ball! Me!! Push-ups! On the ball! Yes, it's true. She called me her good luck charm since I was her first client to train. Sweet. That made me very happy and motivated me to do really well. I may be pretty bad at lots of exercises but I am making significant progress, so yay for that.

Next, I'm at Panera, where it was extremely loud even until 2:30pm but now it's calming down a tiny bit. Cool it, you carb-lovers!

I am getting closer to getting work done, amazingly, but I did just spend the last 20 minutes adding myself to various groups on Facebook. Good times.

My biggest piece of work motivation came today when I got proofs of the possible designs of my new business cards, letterhead, and envelopes. Sweet ! Money ! I love them. It made me feel 10 times more professional just looking at them. Totally worth the investment. Though the printing of these fine materials is not going to be cheap.

I am feeling good. Things are OK. Woohoo!

PS. Oh! Julia... about PostSecret. You got me interested so last night I went to Borders and read the book from cover to cover (yes, I am so smart. lol). It is really, really good. It makes you sad and then happy at the same time. You feel people's pain. About three or four times, I had to hold back tears. Kind of how all the skin under and around your eyes gets tingly, you know... but then when I was done, I just felt so normal. Everyone has stuff that they're holding down, holding inside, wrestling with, fighting off, or trying to make happen. I feel so human. I love it. I only wish I had thought of the idea for that art project!

Play

All I want to do is play!! All day long I've been engaged in a very intense battle with PROCRASTINATION. Everything in my mind and body says - go read those books you wanted to read at Borders! Do some online shopping! Take a walk! Listen to some music! Try a new recipe! But the rest of me says WORKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOU AVOIDANCE-HAPPY entrepreneur!! lol I have no idea what my future holds as far as work, but I am doing a terrible job of creating results lately. Is it the rainy weather? Is it the lack of interaction? Is it being so close to so many distractions? Do I maybe not love what I think I love? Or is this just unique to my current client, all projects being so ambiguous and hard to tackle? I don't know anymore. But this post is just one more piece of evidence in the "I lost the procrastination battle" pile!! Gahhh.

Michael

I just found this photo of my brother and I from back in September (the weekend of his wedding) on his front porch. I really like it. All the reflections make it a much more telling photo than it would otherwise be. :) Plus it says 'kid sister' like none other. I love my brudder.

Two cool blogs

Hopefully this won't scandalize anyone (ha..) but here are two cool blogs I just found. Both with art to make you think...

PostSecret

and

Chromasia

I won't miss

In still thinking about my last post, there's this quote I have in my head but I don't know who said it... CS Lewis? Rich Mullins? Someone else entirely? I don't know but it was something like this:

In the near future you will receive news that I am dead. Do not believe it. On that day, I will be more alive than ever.

In that spirit, I just made a list. Things that I will not miss once I'm fully alive and living in heaven... (it's kinda fun to think there will be an end to these things)

• Overly scary movies
• Reading about starvation in Africa and other poor areas
• Having to put so much energy into being healthy
• Being so forgetful
• Feeling lonely
• Back aches and holding my stress in my neck
• Stress. Woohoo!
• Money issues
• Self-doubt
• Having to wake up earlier than my body wants to
• Being misunderstood and misunderstanding others
• Theological debates
• Seeing people and animals suffer
• Paperwork
• Time.

Longing for God knows what

Tonight my mom is in San Antonio, my brother and Jess are in Las Vegas, my Dad's in Minnesota, and I'm here in North to the Carolina. Crazy world. It is a crazy modern world that lets us all sit together in a living room on Christmas day and has us this spread out just a couple weeks later.

Tonight I am missing people who know me really well. My friends here are amazing... and they really are much more than friends. They truly are my brothers, my sister. But we don't have a ton of history yet. I just miss the familiar, the silly. You know what? But even thinking of those who I am so close to... now that I further think about it, I guess I am longing for something even more familiar than a friend. I think this is what longing for heaven feels like. It's a feeling that can't be satisfied by food, or by being in a certain place, by doing work or a fun activity, or really by people.. they say there's a God-shaped hole in each of us and tonight I feel it.

Sigh... Life is so strange. Existence is... surreal.

Aveda (uh-vay-duh) lol

So the alphabet soup continues.

Today Amanda and I went to Aveda in Chapel Hill where we got pedicures and facials. Sweet! It was so relaxing. Well the pedicures were not amazing... but the facial. Ohhh my gosh. They did everything from having us breathe deeply, to massaging our feet with oils, to using aromatherapy... on and on. It was really nice and really cheap, too. It was as good as a full massage, I would say... something about relaxing your head and feet makes your whole body feel better.

Not to be too intimate here... ha... but the best thing is just the power of touch and also, is this strange?, the power of someone using your name. The lady who did mine was so good at it, and kept calling me by name, which just makes you feel so loved and affirmed. Funny that you can experience that from a total stranger.

Capote (cuh-poe-tee)

We just went to see Capote... at an independent theatre with beer.. Haha. I liked the place, even though hardly anyone was there. It is an interesting movie. Quiet, sort of slow in a necessary way, stark rather than romanticized. It is about Truman Capote, an American writer who was friends with Harper Lee and who wrote In Cold Blood about the brutual murder of a family in Kansas. What I like most is the writer's curiosity that says there is a story behind even a murderer, a human story with a human face and name. Of course the curiosity does not belong exclusively to writers, but they especially want to see the person behind the act. I do believe there is a complex and confusing mess of circumstances and family members (or the lack thereof) and emotions and chemical balances or imbalances and a thousand other things that make a person who they are. The most brutal killers or other kinds of criminals (rapists, etc.) typically have a desperately sad story of not receiving love, experiencing total abandonment, and many other unthinkable things. It doesn't make crimes excuseable, it just makes them as tragic as they really are. Tragic not just for the victims and their families, but tragic also for the criminal, and his/her family, and for the human family everywhere.

Forms of procrastination

I have a tendency to get caught up in all the tiniest details of a work project, forgetting completely to prioritize those things that would help me make connections, make an impact, get work, get paid, etc. I am more apt to work out an administrative problem or organize myself then get a mailing out or make phone calls. This has to end today!! I need to be ready to start contacting potential clients by next week. Early next week. January should not go by without this happening.

You could start with "I'm doing genealogical research..."

Me: Hello?
Lady: Jennifer?
Me: Yes?
Lady: Is your middle initial T?
Me: Who is this?
Lady: I'm looking for Jennifer with a middle initial T.
Me: That's not me.
Lady: You weren't born in 1980?
Me: No
Lady: Ok. Sorry to bother, goodbye.
Me: Bye.

Hah.

Almost died today

I did not have the best time at the gym today. In fact, it was hell! Seriously. I was loving my trainer (Malak). I do love her. But today I hated her. We were doing legs for the first day ever, and she took the first five minutes and worked me so brutally and senselessly hard that I about died and (this is the worst part) had no energy for the remaining 55 minutes! Sheesh! I don't know if she just totally overestimated my fitness level or what. But I was breathing so hard and feeling like crying!! She said "Don't hate me" and I was thinking, uh, it's hard not to right now! Anyway. I think we will find our happy balance where I'm super challenged and she is taking me out of my comfort zone, but today was insane. That's all. I am not even really sore (well, right now, that might change overnight) but that just shows you my point... she killed me in 5 minutes so I didn't get to work my muscles the right way. She always asks me if I'm feeling it where i'm supposed to, and I simply couldn't because my supporting leg (the inactive one in an exercise) was so weak and shaking that I could only think about the resting one! Sighhhh!!!

Back to work... I am trying to solve a problem. How do you email an image that is a link (not an attachment) and also a link to go somewhere else? Maybe it's impossible. Hmmm, I don't know! It's driving me crazy. I can usually find answers online but this one has me stuck.

I wanna know

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show meeeeeee, ohh
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Listening to this thugged out version of the old Foreigner song.. this version is by none other than Wynonna! I'm jk about thugged out. I heard that on Dr. Phil today when I was on the treadmill. Hehehe. But really, give this song a try.

The guys also just introduced me to Regina Spektor. She is amazing! I love this song, which we affectionately now call "the hiccup song."

The traditional pre-sleep ramble

Yeahhhh. What is up, my friends? I'm going to post even though I have nothing to post about at the moment. I am on my way to sleeeeeeeepytime. Yes, yes. You know what? I think sleeping is a pretty sacred time. I have come to appreciate it more and more. Even when I see a child sleeping in a movie, even that, I think "wow." Seriously. lol There's just something so comforting and safe and restful and wonderful about the sheets and the pillows and the quilts and the darkness broken only by dim, distant lights casting glows into your bedroom. Something so peaceful about the time we set aside so regularly just to restore and to dream. It is pretty wild that every 16 hours or so, we go unconscious for 8 hours. I mean really. It is interesting that we were made this way - requiring this, desiring it, and enjoying it. Sleep, that is!

Tomorrow must be productive. I'm going to the gym in the morning and then I am working like a mad(wo)man to get some projects started and/or done. Then we are going out to celebrate Curt's 27th birthday. And then the partay will go all night. Hah. Just kiddin. But we may go for some sushi and sake, both of which, amazingly, I have never had.

That's all the randomness I can impart to you tonight, my friends. I love you.... each of you precious few who view this site... and all I can say is, don't wait to start your life. Delight yourself in living life to the fullest right now. Don't hold the phone for anything or anyone. Just trying to remind myself of that, ya know. You are beautiful when you are living your dreams, or becoming more of the person you are and you want to be, or simply loving the people near you. That is beautiful. You don't have to aspire to so much to be special, or beautiful, or remembered. Just love as much as possible... and enjoy yourself. :) Where that's coming from, I don't know, but just go with it...

Gumbo with Bertha

Bertha is my neighbor. I pass her door on the way to mine everyday. A lot of times she'll have her door wide open, and hollers hello to me from her kitchen when I am going up the walkway. She comes out, and we chat about what's new. She has the most beautiful granddaughter. She's preschool aged and her name is Jillian... goes by Jilly. Bertha moved here from Louisiana to be near Jilly because they have a close relationship. (I can relate. Grandmas are very special to little girls.) But lately Bertha is talkin about "Lee-ziana" more and more. She's hurt that she hasn't gotten to see Jilly lately. Her mom (Bertha's daughter in law) is not being very friendly, and Jilly's parents are separated. So it's a little messy...

Today I kept hearing someone honking their car horn like a maniac. I mean, really, just, honking. It finally occurred to me it might be Bertha so I got up and went the window - there Bertha was, sitting in her minivan and motioning for me to get myself downstairs. lol I went out barefoot (sigh. North Carolina winters...) and she told me she had some extra shrimp gumbo and sweet potato for me. So we just had a nice visit over lunch. Actually it was my second lunch (doh!) but I wanted to sit with her. She's a sweet lady. Her husband died three years ago. She's doing well but I am sure this is all such a big change, especially move across states. She's thinking of going back if this separation from Jilly continues.

She also had a maintenance guy come over, and fed him too. (Funny how old ladies love feeding boys hearty meals. I guess especially so Bertha since she raised two boys.) He had gumbo too. Then he helped "fix" something... a broken crucifix. He superglued Jesus back to the cross, though the Lord was handless (she may have vacuumed up his hands).

This was all a funny hour or so. Now back to work...

Ouch. Ouch doesn't even express...

I am so unbelievably sore from the last two days at the gym that I feel as if I have been spanked senseless. lol I am not even kidding. I can feel every fiber of muscle in my butt and in the back of my legs... muscles I no longer knew I had. Muscles that either love or hate me right now, I am not sure.

The big news is that, yes, I did it, I got a personal trainer. I know it's a little crazy and a lot expensive, but, I am so excited about working with this lady... her name is Malak and she just moved to the area from Cairo, Egypt. I am her first client here, in fact. I am really excited about having some fitness RESULTS this year!! No more screwing around. See, I had this plan where I was going to set goals for myself and if I hadn't reached them by March, as "punishment" (or just consequence) I was gonna make myself get a trainer to stop screwing around. But let's be honest - was I really gonna get that far on my own? No. So I feel really great about this. Wooohooooooooooooooo!

A neighbor of a neighbor is my... neighbor, too?

You know how newspapers like to print a "stupid criminals" file with entertaining stories of illegal folly? I think the new and updated version should be "stupid spam." I just received this one...

Dear Jennifer,
We are sending you this email because a neighbor of a neighbor of yours recently purchased septic remedy from us...

A neighbor of a neighbor? Wouldn't that still be my neighbor? Or is this just a way of saying: you have no idea who gave us your name, in fact we probably bought it as part of a list with 100,000 other names from some retailer or merchant who you trusted with your email address (why?). Sheesh.

Country Boys

If I had TV, I would watch this special on PBS called Country Boys. I watched the clips available on the site... my heart really goes out to everyone growing up, in these circumstances... hell, in any circumstances. Growing up hurts, life hurts sometimes... but especially so for kids that haven't been given a lot of support. I have been really sad and struggled at different times in my life, and that's with two of the best parents you could ask for. But when your father committed murder and then suicide, when your mother is on drugs, when school is more than you have the skills to handle, when you can't see beyond your town and you desperately need to get out of it... life can be rough. This is good filming, good stories to tell and to hear.

Injured... injured bad

Here is a video to make you smile.

Can I have this kid??! I love him.

Spirit not mind, sleepy yet most awake

I almost never wake up during the night. If I do get up for something, which I do so infrequently that I could almost name all the times in my life that I have (hah, well not quite), then I get this strange, almost out-of-body type feeling. Or even if it is just really early in the morning. For example, if it's a dark winter morning and I have to get up at 6am and get in the shower, I will feel strangely metaphysical and physical the whole time. My mind is just thinking... what is real? I am here under hot water, but living in a very cold and snowy place, and it's dark out and yet it's daytime, and I see my skin and I am definitely here, yet supposedly the most real part of me and this world is spiritual and unseen, and there is a Savior that loves me, and, this is all so weird?

I don't know how to explain it, really. I don't not like those times. They are kind of fascinating. It is almost like I am dreaming, you know? Maybe that explains it, that I am still in a bit of a dreamlike state. I am not sure.

But I bring this up because tonight, Curt, Drew, and Amanda talked about a new way to look at this feeling. I mean, they had no context for me thinking about that, but we are going to begin some "spiritual exercises" together... meeting with the Lord in the early morning... praying the Scriptures. No religious praying, no holy words, no anxiety even (that's the part I like! I get nervous praying in front of / with people). But just taking the psalms and other scriptures and speaking them to Christ. And Amanda and I were talking about what time to meet, and everyone agreed right when you get up before you get ready is the best time. When you're kinda half awake? Yes, they said. Because if you wait until you are dressed, your mind is already going a million miles an hour by then. Your mind will interfere. This is not about your mind. It is about your spirit. It is your spirit that speaks to and hears from the Lord.

Wow. That alone is this huge unweighting of relief to me. You mean I don't have to stay in control? I don't have to mentally manage and coordinate communion with God? The more I discover this way of walking in faith, walking in Him, the more I love it. I predict that weeks and months from now, I will not be able to imagine how I did it otherwise. Praying lists, reading passages, studying, thinking, meeting with others on a tight and rigid weekly schedule (one hour, two tops!)... ugh! I hate it all already.

I love that whatever Jesus came to bring, it was natural. It didn't involve pretense or doing. It was (and is) being. It is also freeing. It isn't law and it isn't list. It is time and space, and far beyond time and space.

What they said kind of clicked with my out-of-body mind wanderings. (Btw, I don't have certifiable out-of-body experiences, life just feels so oddly real and yet unreal in those moments.) It makes sense that when I am at my core and open to God, my mind doesn't need to start spinning like the hamster wheel it is. It is not necessary. Worship happens in spirit and in truth.

Your wish is our command?

Remember that one time when I posted about how no one, not even your mother, cares about what you dreamed about last night? Well seriously, I told my mom a dream, and she was just like...uhh. You need to get more sleep. lol

But apparently all that has changed.

When I was home for Christmas, I jumped in the car with her to go get lunch. And I was talking about all kinds of random stuff, but one thing was - Mom, you know what's so weird? I had this dream, like a vision of the perfect outfit! It is so crazy that it came to me like that. But I just pictured dark brown courdoroy pants, and a dark jade-green sweater, not a turtleneck (I can't stand turtlenecks cause it makes me feel all tied up and unbreathable) but one of those split neck sweaters... where it would be a turtleneck except that it has buttons or some other release that lets the fabric fall over your shoulder. A really soft sweater like that. And my mom said oh yeah that would be really pretty! And we moved on to other topics.

Well today i got a package in the mail, with a note that said "Don't know if this is the outfit you dreamed about (!) but just in case, the gift receipt is here so you can get exactly what you want." It took me a minute because I made that off-hand comment like three weeks ago... it was the outfit! The shirt is not exactly what I pictured, but I am not complaining!

Wow. What should I dream of next? :) My parents are amazing.

Beautiful child

I found this photo on flickr. I love this face. Something about looking at this girl really makes me feel peaceful and makes me feel that there's good in the world. I don't know. It's just something about this girl in particular.

I found a few others, too, but this is my favorite face. She lives in Yangdon, Nepal.

I wish I could do something for all the little girls in the world who are growing up in chronic poverty. So many won't have the chance to learn to read and write, or fulfill their dreams, or even do exactly what they want to do for just one day. Maybe I will find a way to help at some point. I would love that.

No television

It's really weird not having a TV. It is kind of like... my mind is so tired, because it is always left to think, think, think. It is never left alone for an hour or two to just chill... Well, if I would give my self total downtime, and just... I don't know, draw... then it continues to think! Maybe what I need is some real quietness and meditation. I don't even really mean prayer, at least not the talking part (maybe the listening). Quieting myself is probably very called for. Hmmm. It's also funny how I can get really tired of listening to music. Constant music is no solution. I am not going crazy, don't worry, I am just saying it's a real mental change to suddenly have no TV box to turn on. No sweet box. : )

These days will soon come to an end (my aunt is holding my TV in Wash, DC). I will get it eventually. But for now, a change of pace. Not that I watch that much TV anyway, I don't. Pretty much just news, Apprentice, and Idol. lol And bad reruns that are always on when making dinner (Friends, Seinfeld). Well Seinfeld reruns usually aren't bad. But yeah.

Too cute

Lest this become the blog of cute photos and nothing substantive, I will refrain - - - OH WHAT THE HECK! Look at this picture. Are my Dad and my brother not the cutest little people you've ever seen? This is from my last night in Minnesota. My Dad fell asleep when we went over to my bro's house for pizza. I took this with my camera phone. Aww. Hehe.

** Note. Okay, so when I asked my Dad about this picture, he was kinda like "Ugh. I saw that and thought, I could think of a million different captions for that photo." And proceeded to tell me he was reading the bumps on Michael's head while also covering his ears so he wouldn't hear the interpretation. What a wierdo. lol Just let it be known that this is an accurate depiction of my family, even if it does look strange. Hahaha. (Not sure that actually clarified anything. This is getting more and more funny.)

I live this moment as my last

I am getting warped just listening to Rent over and over again... Hey, by the way, that Rent blog series is still coming! I'm working on it. You have been warned. But anyway...

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There’s only us, there’s only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today

(Another Day)

Answered prayer

This is so cool. I decided to print out my journal which I usually just type, and so I'm reading from a year ago... (I started it last Christmas so it basically spans 2005). This is from November 30, 2004:

I just had the thought that maybe my heart is restless at this season in life because I'm living under too many rules. Too much of what I think is Christianity is just cultural crap which has been dragged into it. I should take the time to list out what is truly of Christ and what is just American. Damn all those who try to confuse the two! It is not good.

God, if you can please free my mind and free my heart from the chains of cultural Christianity, I would be so happy. I know it will hurt - the process of breaking free - but I cannot live in a box. I cannot do things simply because that is the way they are done. I have shut up and got in line too many times. Please let me dance freely, without shame or hesitation. I am yours. And I know that if I just am bold enough to run to you, you are mine...

I can honestly tell you the chains have started to break. In real and tangible ways. Wow. I'm way encouraged reading this. I'm gonna read through the rest of these 26 pages...but currently I'm late for a class!

No one else can do it for you

I feel like being positive is the new black. Or maybe it's just that lately, I gravitate toward really upbeat, overly giddy music. Hah. Either way, I love this song...

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else
No one else can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words upspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is
Where your book begins
The rest is still
Unwrittennnnnn.

(Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield)