What did you expect?

MoveOn and the left in general are infuriated about Alito. Did they really think Harriet Miers' withdrawl would lead to a more neutral Supreme Court Justice? I'm shocked that they are shocked. I even like Move On... but they mobilized a huge anti-Harriet campaign and now they're mobilizing a huge anti-Alito campaign. We have a Republican as our President. I hate to just lay down and die, but come on... he is going to nominate people that he likes. I get grumpy with groups that only seem to advance a negative agenda. I'm sure they don't feel they have a lot of choice, but endlessly bashing Bush is only going to make Americans more annoyed with the left! PLEASE! Be positive. Think of ideas. Advance possibilities. Create viable options and vocalize them. You're obviously good at grassroots organizing, so you can do this!

Why don't I get emails saying "We are campaigning for this person as a good neutral choice for Supreme Court" or "We have this workable plan for mitigating the harms of being in Iraq." Nope. I don't get those emails. Is anyone sending them? Or are we all just way too cynical that we have any effect on these decisions? (That's a cop-out - I wouldn't be getting anti-Miers and anti-Alito emails unless somewhere deep inside the oppressed and sorrowful little Democratic heart, there lies hope of creating change in a Republican-controlled nation.)

PS. I'm also sad about the lack of women on the Supreme Court. Down to one? In 2005, it is just plain embarassing.

More and more gray

The older I get, the more gray space there seems to be in the world. Or maybe it's just that I see it more for what it is. Or maybe it's actually black and white and my growing up and growing cynicism are making black and white things seem gray. But whatever is happening, I just find that the more I know, the more I can see things from both (or multiple) perspectives. My mind never feels like it has a grasp on a situation or a problem because there are so many layers to it. Take for example, a professional conflict that is occurring among my colleagues right now. I see both sides very clearly, to the extent of agreeing with both. (And don't think, oh I agree with person A about this point, and person B about that point. No. I agree with them both about the first point, and agree with them both about the second. Seeing it from their perspective, they are right.) I also see a third perspective that says the questions themselves are wrong, and even more obscurity clouds my view. I am cursed to this "the questions themselves are wrong" thinking from a class lecture once where we talked about "the powers and principalities of darkness" that control this age. It's not just that evil works through people or circumstances in a linear and identifiable way. It's that evil slowly and cleverly affects the entire system of the world (politics, relationships, communities, everything) so that the entire system itself is flawed.

In other words, instead of asking "are lazy people or lack of economic opportunity to blame for poverty?" ... maybe the answer is neither A nor B, but is rather "poverty is not the central problem i should be focusing on." Well that's a bad example, hmm. Or maybe the answer is "poverty is a myth" or "poverty betrays something basic about communities or people." This is a terrible example, but you see what I mean by asking the wrong question? Who cares who we blame - why are we even talking about it!

There is going to be no clean conclusion to this post because this seems to be my world now - no conclusions. That's the point: all is gray! What can a girl cling to that is pure black or pure white? Very little in this world meets that standard... whether it's a situation or a human heart.

Ummm

So after replaying the story in my mind of the last time I saw my black pants, I went out to my car, in the darkness, proudly wearing my cloud pajama pants... hahaha... and there in a white bag lay my black pants. The moral of the story:

I will not freak out over little things.
I will not freak out over little things.
I will not freak out over little things.

I feel like this was someone's twisted way of getting me to clean my room. lol Well it worked!! Arrrr.

Crunched for space

Okay, I just need to say that I am getting more than a little pissed off and frustrated at the total lack of space in my room. It is primarly that my work stuff is totally un-organizeable due to lack of desk and file space, and I have NO clue what is in my closet due to a freaking narrow and long closet. Argh!! I mean, I only have one pair of black pants and I really need to wear them tomorow because I only have ONE suit jacket type thing and IT is black, and yet I can't find my pants anywhere. I know that my problems are very small, that I am very fortunate, etc. But what good is a blog if not to yell into the internet abyss: WHERE THE HELL CAN I PUT MY THINGS!!!!!!!!! Ahh. :(

Okay I'm over it. Things are looking up for me now. lol

I guess I have too many clothes and too many papers, but the problem is not even being able to see them all to figure out what I should keep or get rid of. Soon I will have more space, and I will feel bad that I complained about this apartment because it was a good home for me, but really, enough is enough. I feel very ineffective as not only a working "consultant,".. a worker.. but also as a person who must dress herself!! Gahhhhh.

John Edwards... real hope for America

Edwards Works on Possible Bid in 2008

Please, people. For the love of all that is good and pure in this world! Consider voting for John Edwards! I love this man. lol Seriously though. He would be an amazing, inspiring, and competent leader.

Collage - ha

So, I realize that this may freak out most people, and it also may start to seem like I have this crazy eye fixation... but I really don't. Just having some good fun with that which is Photoshop. More freaky pictures (not involving just eyes) are on the way. Muahaha.

Friday night art

Nothing like fake bangs, a digital camera, and Photoshop to make a Friday night all it should be and more! Hehehe.

Little women chatting

Funniest thing ever. So, I'm sitting at Panera, like on the booth side of a table along the fireplace where the other side is a chair. I guess you didn't need to know that. But right next to me are two little girls. I guessed they were 7 years old, and indeed I have just confirmed that. They are sitting across from each other. One is black, and one is white. They are both wearing their plaid school uniforms with a pressed white shirt underneath, black tights, and black mary-janes. One of the girl's mothers is sitting at the next table with them. They are having hot chocolate and a cookie.

Anyway, what's so funny and amazing about these little ladies, is that they are having the most adultlike conversation you have ever heard. They've discussed everything from what they think of Scotland, to what they liked about various films, to the characteristics of their parents ("oh my mom said that? that's my mom for you..." lol). I mean it is so hilarious. This older couple just sat down to the other side of me, and they are looking over and smiling and saying "that is so adorable." And so then I started talking to their Mom. And then I asked them lots of questions where I confirmed they are 7, but one is 6 months older than the other, and they are best friends, and they go to St. James Catholic which is just a couple blocks up the road, and one just had a Halloween party at school and she's stuffed, and the other one said "well we didn't have a Halloween party today so I don't know what she's talking about!" etc.

I am not doing a good job of relating how cute this is but let me tell you ... CUTE!

Exercise an open mind

I really like this article:
How to exercise an open mind
Gets funnier as you read it.

Streeeeetching

Stretching is my favorite part of exercising. After going for a walk or a jog or doing whatever, you know how your muscles are all scrunched up and tight? When I stretch, I imagine the muscle.. okay.. stretching out.. is there another word I can use? lol Expanding.. little by little.. and it seems to me, at least in my mind, that as the molecules are pulled apart, one by one (actually billions by billions), that these little sparks are unleashed. Little bursts of light and energy released into my bloodstream. Hence feeling so good right after stretching. :)

I'd like to see the science behind this, as far as the releasing of bursts of happy chemicals. Let me know if you find it online. I guess it could be something as simple as endorphins, but what I am saying is something specifically released from a muscle as it stretches. Okay.. so.. yeah.

A cute goodbye email I just got from an office in Africa

WE are very sad that you are going from us indrectly. We will miss you alot. We were very pleased with the time we had together. You were more then a theacher to us. We learned so many good things from you.
You were very prompt in responding to problems and requests. We enjoyed working with you. We pray that you still work closely with ---to get this office going.
We will aways keep in touch.
---

Awwww :) I feel loved.

Elizabethtown

Just saw Elizabethtown, and it really was pretty bad. Man. The writing was just horrible. A couple of things were really good and I did cry in a couple parts (who was expecting that?) but it wasn't in touch with reality. I don't like movies that are unrealistic in their dialogue. I just think - what am I supposed to do with this? It does not relate to real circumstances.

But one exchange I really liked. I kept hearing the preview on the radio where he says "There's something special about you." And she says "That's because I'm one of a kind." And I always thought that was it. But in the movie, there's a line that comes after that that changes everything. He says "You don't have to make jokes. I like you without the jokes." And she just... lets that stand and looks him in the eyes. It is really the best part, not that there was much competition for that honor. hahah.

Chocolate Ranking

Did you know that the US ranks #11 for countries that consume the most chocolate? Frankly, that shocks me! And I'm sure this is not the right response, but makes me want to go out and get some chocolate. lol I can't believe we Americans consume only half as much as the Swiss. That's just plain crazy.

Now what do I do?

Let it be known that at 3pm today, my ipod that I have had for several years officially maxed out for what I believe is the first time.

Now what? :)

since feeling is first

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

-ee cummings

Good Coffee... an art or a science?

Why can I never seem to make the right balance of coffee grounds with hot water in our coffee maker? lol It is always way too strong or way too weak, and usually too strong. Here's what I'm wondering: does it taste the same if you have mild coffee with a little bit of milk, as if you have super strong coffee 50/50 with milk? Just curious. hahaha. I am trying option B right now.

I think my problem is a combination of not putting the filter in right (it's a liiiiiiittle tiny filter) and not measuring it right, either.

Anyway, I had the most random dream last night. I was at Disney World, and I had met this girl who was a new friend, and we decided we were gonna go swimming. So I changed into my swimsuit, and went out to find her. I think we were staying in a hotel. Anyway, we got our signals mixed because she meant going swimming in the hotel pool and I thought she meant in Disney World somewhere. Now I have never been there which made the dream crazy - apparently my subconscious has very vivid ideas about what Disneyworld looks like! I got on some outdoor elevated train, and it was just the conductor and me. Actually it kinda felt like being just in a van, but it was definitely a train, almost like a train that takes you between airport terminals. We were driving from one attraction to the next and I finally realized she must have meant to meet her back at the hotel, not out and about. I asked the guy how long the loop was and he said about an hour. (That must be from the weekend because we were talking about city loops and length of time. We inadvertently drove the whole Raleigh beltline.) Anyway, he seemed a little annoyed with me, but the day was so beautiful and everything was so happy there. I woke up before I found her.

Thoughts flashing incoherently like primetime commercials

Yeah, so I changed the look a little. More green, less dark. We'll see how long this lasts. Hey, if anyone knows a site to get normal, yet creative blogskins, please lemme know!

I just returned from the North Carolina exploratory trip, as it's affectionately been called, and it was an awesome weekend. Julia, a friend of mine from college, and I went down there. I'll post photos here when she forwards them. I guess I was most content in the fact that everyone we spent time with, all our various friends, new and old, from different life connections, are amazing people, and.. yeah. It's all about the QT.* I am way excited about moving. Well, actually I have the whole array of mixed emotions that tend to visit someone preparing for a big life change.

My thoughts are scattered. I don't feel like I have a grasp on all that's going on...

She took the midnight train going anywhere...
...is a lyric from a Journey song that entered one of my dreams the other night.

Aztec hot chocolate
...is in our pantry, and is delicious, and left a thick syrup in the bottom of my mug.

My roommate is in Florida
...on an extremely random but exciting job interview.

Papers
...still cover my floor even though I meant to finish organizing by lunchtime.

Cold rain
...has been falling outside my window for hours.

Being busy
is overrated.

God and people are pretty much everything. Sleep is... a really good idea, if you couldn't already tell : ) But let me end with the lyrics of the song Sacred. I feel like a lot of my friends are under a lot of stress, a lot of pressure about one thing or another. And it hurts to watch because we're free! Free to fall down and get back up, even. Or free to not have to live out the worst case scenarios we love to think up. Free to have to rely on plan B, C, or D... and then later realize plan A was so not in the cards anyway. Anyway, hold onto what you know is sacred, because it is sacred, and you should not let anything rip it away from you. Trust yourself and give yourself more credit.

It's the cliche writing on the wall
Funny how it's been there all along
And all the while you've listened to anyone who had a point of view
On what you should do.

The liars in your head are growing loud
They say you're in too deep to turn back now
And answers seem so hard to find
You wonder if you still can change your mind.

There's something to be said for patience
So hold on to what you know is sacred
Don't let your only dream be taken
And cashed in for everything you've hated.

You have something there that can't be sold
A lifetime full of secrets to be told
And it is not too late to choose the narrow winding way
That few men do, so few men do.

Hold onto what you know is sacred...



*quality time

A walk in the pahk

I was killing some time in Farragut Square today around noon. It's just a square park in the heart of downtown DC. Saw a lot of funny things. One was a red-headed guy taking a digital photo of all these (mostly) black bike couriers sitting on park benches taking a rest. They started yelling at him Hey man! What are you doing? Don't be taking a picture of me! And he's like, there are about 200 people within this picture. I'm not taking a picture of you. Then they're like, you better give me a dollar. You're probably gonna make a billion offa that photo. Come over here and give me my dollar. lol

But then some things not so funny. There was an older black woman whose head was totally covered in white soap - shampoo I guess, but who really knows. She had an old water bottle and her head was bent over the water fountain. She washed her hair in the water fountain for about 10 minutes. And I mean it wasn't a big water fountain either, so she was really all up in it. The interesting thing is she was having a full and heated conversation with someone who wasn't standing there. I'm not here to diagnose that, but man, it was just like... so vivid. And I guess I've seen so many movies because it was like straight out of a movie. It was like Fight Club and you see Ed Norton talking to Brad Pitt, and then it cuts to another view and you see Ed Norton is just talking to himself, throwing himself down stairs, punching himself. My only point is that it was that vivid. She was responding to someone.

Oh yeah - Father Berrigan

Oh yeah! I wanted to say this is a really cool Wiki article: Father Berrigan. A piece of history we all should know.

Protesting Vietnam, they issued this statement:

"We confront the Catholic Church, other Christian bodies, and the synagogues of America with their silence and cowardice in the face of our country's crimes. We are convinced that the religious bureaucracy in this country is racist, is an accomplice in this war, and is hostile to the poor."

What an indictment! Even if you disagree you have to respect their passion and directness. And the fact that they were so much more than words, but their words in and of themselves are like fire. They burned war draft documents. They also broke into a place that built nuclear warheads and poured blood all over them.

In the company of cool

I walked into Murky Coffee and felt like I walked straight into a wall of coolness. Ouch. lol Everyone here is just emanating this aura of espresso and wi-fi and get-with-it-ness. Quite scary.

In any case, I in all my uncoolness am going to stay here anyway. It is shockingly hot outside! This morning something about the sunshine and the warmth made me instantly think of when I was in Chihuahua, Mejico. Kinda weird that it took me back like that.

What was I gonna say? I felt like I had a point in mind when I started and I definitely lost it. Anyway I am going to spend the next couple hours working on a MASTER LIST, if you will, of every detail for our Board Meeting that I'm coordinating including travel itineraries, restaurants, reservations, field trips, menus, meeting agendas, on and on. I can't believe it's in only like, hmm, well less than a month! WHOA. Gotta get to work now. But if you see me online, please distract. :) Tyvm.

Grrrrrrrrr

One of my pet peeves: People who talk on their cell phones while they are checking out at a store. Get off your freakin phone! There is a person there, a human being, and you need to quit blah-blahing and start interacting with them! Maybe they are having a horrible day and you are just one more implicit message screaming "you are not important to me. In fact I hardly even notice you standing there. You're almost invisible." I just stood behind a psycho woman like this at Target and I wanted to strangle her. (Not to go overboard or anything..)

Another thing that bothers me is people who have to have their latte in their hand during a worship service. What a yuppie. What a consumeristic little.. grrrrr!!!!! In my mind I see that picture on the one side, and on the other side I see a believer in China or in the Sudan who is so oppressed that they fear for their life, and their meetings are in secret, "underground." The contrast is so great that the one doesn't even seem worthy of the other.

However, I will admit on this point, that yesterday I did have a coffee in my hand while I was waiting to meet my friend and I would have taken in if it didn't say no drinks in the auditorium. lol So there are exceptions to these rules. But still !!!!!

Common musical thread

So I'm sitting here watching Meet Joe Black, well the second half and I haven't seen this before, and I'm like MAN this score sounds so familiar. Where have heard this music before? And I'm thiiiinking so hard, and Kyle you have to give me credit for this, I'm like I think it might be from Angels in America??

So, a little IMDB research later, I found out I was right! It is also in American Beauty. This composer, Thomas Newman, has writen scores for a lot of recent movies. The music is really pretty. Just had to share.

I have never heard of two movies having the same score. That is a little odd, for the very reason that it is evoking in me the emotional response I had to the other movie, and that is very confusing.

I also think the girl in this movie looks exactly like Liesl from The Sound of Music. But apparently that girl is now a 63 year old woman so it's not her. :)

Mark 8 - Losing and Gaining

34Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? 37Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? 38If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels."

1 thing I realized...
my soul, this small fairly nameless thing inside of me, or this thing that actually IS me, that nobody knows truly, not even me... this mysterious, deep thing that never changes in essence whether i'm 10 lbs and lying in a crib, or 23 years old floundering wondering about purpose, love, career, and friendship... or elderly and dying in my bed... this soul... this eternal thing... is actually worth more THAN THE ENTIRE WORLD. wow.

1 thing i'm still wondering...
If gaining the whole world can be a sign that i've ost my whole soul, is this a progressive thing? If I bite off bigger and bigger pieces of the world, do I lose my soul more and more? What exactly am I forfeiting, what parts? And, can I get them back? Can you reclaim the parts of your soul that you prostituted to the world, or murdered for the equivalent of cold, hard cash?

I got glasses

So yeah, I'm officially a nerd now! HAHA just kidding. It is just to give my eyes a break from 16 hours of contacts a day. I'm still getting used to these..

Let go

Let go, just let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for?
It's alright cause
There's beauty in the breakdown

So let go, yeah let go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

(frou frou, "let go")

Words to sing

No guilt in life
No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry
To final breath
Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell
No scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from his hand

Till he returns
Or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand.

This 4th verse has been my favorite part of a song for several weeks now. I can't totally explain why but singing the song is giving me words to say something I couldn't figure out how to say on my own. Nothing, not even hell's evil scheming within me, is going to change God's love. I've been feeling defeated so much lately. It's too easy to feel defeated when really defeat is a totally different thing for us. We're never defeated. And the defeat we do feel is more like surrender (hopefully!). Which is something I keep seeing in movies lately. Everyone seems to understand the power of reaching your end point and crying out in total helplessness. Something is essentially human about that.

I went to a party tonight at Lisa's apartment. It was fun, we mostly just played cards and braved the cold wind on the balcony. What was different was the age of the group... average in their 30s! Kinda weird for this 23 year old but they were fun. One guy was totally like Kramer and even kept a straight face when he said hilarious things. That was entertaining. Why is going to a party always so intimidating? I'm even a pretty outgoing person, but something about knowing you're gonna have to walk through a door and intelligibly interact with lots of strangers is pretty frightening. But it wasn't that bad, actually. PHew! That's what i was figuring so i went. Plus I had to give her back her keys. So there ya go.

I spent the day with my cousin, aunt and uncle. Leaving them is going to be the very hardest part of moving, I think. They are my family and will be hard (ok, impossible) to replace. Kinda makes me sad just thinking about it. But everything else in my life says MOVE so move I shall. I'm really excited. Freaked out from time to time, extremely so... but excited too.

Pretty much just uncontrollably switching between panic and sadness about leaving, to extreme joy and anticipation, to uncertainty, to hope, to...

So proud today

YEahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so, so, so proud of Congress today. Thank God they did the right thing.

Senate Moves to Protect Military Prisoners Despite Veto Threat (NY Times)
WASHINGTON, Oct. 5 - Defying the White House, the Senate overwhelmingly agreed Wednesday to regulate the detention, interrogation and treatment of prisoners held by the American military...

Senate, Bucking White House, backs detainee protections (Intl Herald Tribune)
In a sharp rebuke to the White House, the U.S. Senate agreed Wednesday to regulate the detention, interrogation and treatment of prisoners held by the U.S. militar

It still has to become official policy, but I hope that it will. It is attached to a huge "must pass" Defense spending bill. For once I'm glad for those slimy DC tactics. hah.

Bush and Cheney are sick men, in my humble opinion, for not only opposing regulation of prisoner treatment, but furthermore threatening their peers in Congress if they didn't go along with them. Cheney literally went on a fear-inducing trip over to the Congressional buildings to warn them. What a crazy. Congress did the right thing, and actually represented the American people. phew!

US policy on torture

What are we, Nazis? Stalinists? Reading this stuff makes me almost physically sick.

• New Accounts of Torture by US Troops
• New Iraq Abuse Allegations Get McCain Moving
• Bush Threatens to Veto Ban on Torture
• UN Cites Reliable Accounts of US Torture

Satchmo follows the movie marathon

Most beautiful Sunday afternoon ever (ok actually it's a little too hot if you stay in the sun), but anyway... wow, I got off track right away. lol I'm listening to a Louis Armstrong CD that I found here. It is putting my soul at eaaaaase. I love it.

I'm in the apartment of this friend, Lisa, that I'm house-sitting for. Her cats names' are Macaroni and Noodle. Noodle is beyond timid and spends 98% of this life under the bed. However, he has the most human eyes I have ever seen. In his heart he must be an old, wise man. Macaroni wants to approach me but just isn't totally sure. He did brush up against my foot a minute ago. I am trying to beckon him over, calling him Mac-daddy and Macaroni Grill. lol It's hard to find a nickname for him that isn't longer than the name itself. Hmmm. He would get some affection if he would just come over here!!

I've had a really good weekend. We saw A History of Violence, Love Actually, and Crash. I really, really liked them all. I love the premise/theme of crash... that we're all so distant that we crash into each other just to feel something. That kind of crashing seems to be happening everywhere, all the time. Not that we intentionally do it, but... it's like grace, in a way. The scene with the little girl running to shield her Dad has to go down as one of the best scenes in a movie ever. Wow. Movies are so good these days.