American Beauty

Just watched American Beauty. Yes, it's true it has lots of disturbing sexual scenes but it seems that all the good, meaningful movies do. I wish I hadn't waited so long to see it because of that.

It was surreal to watch in that it shows how surreal life can be, how we can live for so long at such half-mast, half-hearted, half-asleep... just half alive. That is really scary. I can relate to it, probably not to that extreme but definitely in part. Why are we so afraid to do what we want to do, or be who we are? Our sense of people's expectations and society's protocols has such a hold over us. Why would we ever submit to expectations or protocol if it steals our joy and our life away? And yet we do it all the time. Most people do only that.

Ricky's dad... if anyone has seen it... really terrified me. I didn't know how he was going to react to the drug scene that looked like a gay scene... I had my hand ready to hit fast forward in case I anticipated a disturbingly angry-violent reaction. lol But the point I'm getting to is, he did not think his Dad was a bad man. He knew that "structure and discipline" was just all his Dad knew. Even though he (Ricky) had been severely wronged and abused by his Dad, he saw - simply - a person, and he saw beauty everywhere he looked. I don't know, I can't explain it, I just want to be like that. To be able to look at anything and see beauty. The kind of beauty that is overwhelming because it's real.

Of course he was on drugs, too. But hey. There were just so many layers to that movie. I miss having a discussion group after finishing good movies and good books. That always got me thinking about things so much more clearly. Ah well :)

I don't want to be on drugs, but I want to be alive. Which seems like an elusive thing. According to my Dad you can only get that by "living in the now," so let me take this opportunity to finish my drink and go to bed! Sleeeeeeeeeep. ohhhhh blessed sleep. Sooo ready for the weekend...