Easy, Ernesto

The last 2 weeks in Minnesota were almost totally sunny, and in the upper 60s and lower 70s. For those of you who don't know this about me yet - fall weather is my DRUG. God has literally wired my mind to function at full capacity with all the right chemicals when fall is happening around me. No lie. So needless to say, it made me happy.

Coming back to grey, grey, grey, cloudy, grey, rainy, more rain, grey Raleigh kinda sucks a bit. lol Hope this storm passes soon and without much damage to people's lives.

I don't get it

My boyfriend is a complete and total spaz. When we are apart, he is as good as dead to me. He has some sort of moral or mental failure which prevents him from contacting me. At all. Completely at all. None, nada. And we've been apart more of the last 2 months than together. But when we are together, we are so happy that we should be married.

And they say girls are crazy? Come on. I never knew a boy could be on SO MUCH CRACK!

I don't know how long this will last. Probably not long. It has been fun and magical, and it has been frustrating and torturous. Here's to settling it once and for all in September...

The Wailin Jennys

...and I like them. And they're playing in Greensboro (1 hour away) on October 20. Coooooool.

Sad to be leaving

Well now that it's 9:58pm on the night before I fly out of Minnesota, I'm sad to be leaving. I'm really sad. It sucks saying goodbye. Just typing this makes tears start to come to my eyes. I know my Mom will cry tomorrow, just for a second, but she'll cry. And I'll know that it's okay that I'm leaving, but it still sucks living far from my family. And yet it really makes no sense at all for me to be here. I guess I could have bigger problems... I mean I love my family, we're constantly connected by phone, I see them a few times a year, and I have great opportunities that cause me to live a couple plane rides away. I am doing fine. It's just that people are the most important. And... well... I don't know if any of you have experienced this... I know Amanda has... but when you come home and you can visit friends or family, though you really want to visit your friends, there is something sacred about your family. Friends, as they say, honestly do come and go. They let you down. Well family can let you down too, but they don't disappear. Each time I've come back to Minnesota, I've spent less time with my friends and more with my family.

The people you love - be it blood-related family or church family or just true friends or whatever - people are pretty much everything.

Because I want to see the Smokies

I've wanted to take a road trip to Tennessee for so long now. I am GOING to take a roadtrip there this fall. It just occurred to me that there's nothing stopping me. I'll invite James (if he's still waiting for me when I return. lol) I'm inviting you freelancers who are also largely free from schedules, and yes you know who you are. But ultimately I am just gonna go... even if it's just me.

10,000 Lakes

Ready for another 12 year old girl style journal entry? Heh. Today we went to Silver Lake. Actually, all I wanted to say, is that I rode in the boat my brother restored, and also we got to ride his friend's jetski. It is the first time I've been on one and it was soooooo fun. HELLO walking on water! It's crazy how you go so fast that you're just skimming and the water surface becomes like any other surface. After taking my Mom for a wild spin, I came back to shore and asked my brother to drive. Yep. We capsized. Well we turned on a big wave, which threw me over and I was hugging him so tightly that he came off, too. HA! All we could do is laugh like crazy. It was a great thrill because we suddenly got over any fear about falling into the middle of the lake. The jetski battery was dead so we were stranded... his friends came out in Mike's boat but for some reason it was going at a snail's pace. Apparently some pin was lost, and Mike's boat died, too. Finally another boat rescued us - 6 of us - desperately holding the little 1960s boat and the jetski together. Good times... I wish I'd had my camera out there.

I'm only here for a couple more days. You know, being on vacation has made me lethargic. I mean, I've been moving... we've been doing a lot... but my muscles are so tired and don't want to do much. Now that I re-read that, it sounds very normal for vacation, but it's just a strange feeling.

My family keeps hinting that I should move to Minneapolis.

I'll be sad to go, but also glad to get back to Raleigh. I need as much of a life rhythm as possible right now. I do wish I lived near my family... maybe someday but not in the immediate future.

World Peace

I work with a Christian economic development organization. My Dad, as a side business, is starting an online directory of services and products that might be called New Age. It's really much more than that... it's hard to put a name on the whole thing, but you can see it here.

It's hard to say where I'm at spiritually. I'm a Christian but... not in the typical sense, maybe. I can't even describe or understand myself and my relationship to God. I mean hopefully soon I will be able to, but I'm not really at that point yet... I'm growing.

Anyway, last night my Dad and I went to Red Lobster late for drinks and appetizers (yum). We spent the whole evening talking about my Dad's favorite... what do I call him... teacher, speaker, peace-loving man... his name is Eckhart Tolle and his passion is the power of NOW. Honestly, I have listened to some of his CDs, and what he has to say is very good and non-threatening. A person from any religion could listen and benefit in huge ways because he's talking about presence, awareness, consciousness, being, LIFE! He's not talking about anything that conflicts with our religious beliefs. In fact, Jesus understood this stuff about presence very well. Consider the lillies...

My Dad kept trying to convince me to listen to it. I told him I want to, the only thing keeping me from listening is not fear - it's lack of time. I'm bad at time management anyway (I like to just have fun)... add to that the fact that I work for myself and it's just hard to take time for quietness. Of course that's the world's worst excuse and I know that.... all I have is now. That's all I have. (Do I even believe that? It's true!)

The original purpose of this post was to say that this woman here in Fargo has a little operation going and it's all focused on peace - everything from inner peace to global peace. She left a voicemail on my parents' answering machine looking for me. Her message was a little funny cause she was like, "I heard all about wonderful Jen and her work on this planet, and I'd like to talk to her." Uhh okay. (She literally said 'on this planet' about 5 times.)

I finally called her back today, not sure if she was interested in hearing about my writing/communications work, our church life attempts, or what! Turned out she was interested in the economic development work I'm doing with the non-profit. I told her all about it and she was very interested. She asked if I would come and speak to a small group to share more and give them opportunities to get involved, possibly.

That's when I had to bring in the C-word: it's a Christian organization. Everything we do is unabashedly Christian. We bring clean water to the poorest communities in Africa, yes... it's very tangible... but we never leave it at that. Clean water is our way of telling the story of Jesus as the Living Water that quenches all thirst. If I am totally candid, I will tell you that even that makes me slightly uncomfortable sometimes. It's like providing basic resources to dying children is stipulated on them letting us talk about God as we know him. (Don't I sound so modern? So sickeningly contemporary and skeptical? Hah.) But if who we know God to be, in Jesus Christ, is true, then what's the problem? Why the uneasiness in me? Maybe it's because I know how this will be carried out. I know the people will do it with a missions-minded frenzy. Ugh. There's so much I can't even really say on here because I'd hate to say key words that are google-able.

Well finally I told this woman that it is a Christian organization and every project we do is marked by that. She was disappointed, I could tell... but she kept finding ways for us to get over that divide and still have me speak to her group. I just thought it would have made them tremendously uncomfortable, and maybe me, too. There would have been no way for them to engage with our organization in particular, because they never would have agreed with the way we do it. Clean water and church planting? They would have none of that.

So... sigh. I was glad I didn't get roped into that, but kind of bummed that there is a division between me and this woman. We both have photos of girls from around the world in our homes. We both have a heart that leaps when we think about children in poverty, and creating opportunity, and common life, that sort of thing. But the way we go about it is so different... maybe that's fine. It just is a divide that I wish wasn't there.

Out of the running

Can I just tell you that on MSNBC, the guy just said:

Pluto is now the William Hung of our solar system.

HAH!

Also, they keep talking about how it will take years to update all the world's textbooks. I wonder what the total cost is of something like that. That'd be fascinating trivia.

Hope you like my new look

So... this is exciting... Blogger has a new beta version! Go through your dashboard to find it and switch to it. The coolest part is that it's integrated with Google. Which, by the way, is taking over the world, but creatively and smartly, and so that makes it ok. :)

Yes, the orange slice is random. I also wanted to put a red leaf there so I played with that for quite awhile in Photoshop. The editing system they built into the back end of the new Blogger Beta is awwwesome.

Pluto no es una planeta

So I woke up today and found out Pluto is no longer a planet. What next - the sky isn't blue? The grass isn't green? The world isn't flat?!

It's just funny that facts can change. It makes me feel small and humbled in a good way. Less sure of myself but in a crazy way, more sure of grace.

The Open Door

I admit it, I'm excited about Evanescence's new CD releasing on October 3. I don't even have their previous ones, but I started liking them just as they retreated from the public world a couple years ago.

God gave us laptops, and there was much rejoicing

Squidoo's How to Set Up Your Office in a Coffee Shop

Required reading for all my freelancer friends.

A trippy walk down memory lane

Swimming through memories can be a little unsettling, almost like self-induced vertigo.

Today I decided to take down the 8 or so boxes my Mom had neatly packed away in the top of my bedroom closet at home. (There are lots of other boxes with childhood toys and keepsakes - but these boxes were school papers and other more recent things.)

I had 4 shoeboxes completely packed with handwritten letters, mostly from 7th grade (when I first moved away from friends and home as I knew it, from Kansas to South Dakota) to college. It's amazing but the switch from handwritten letters to emails as the predominant or default form of communication took place not very long ago at all. Sure, it depends on who you are, how much you use computers, and what area of the country and world you live in, but for me... the switch took place probably around 1998 or 1999. It probably became official in college when I had to email to keep in touch with everyone in my previous life.

Anyway, looking through these letters was fun, surreal, and creepy. Who is the me who wrote those letters? I'm still me, but so changed.

Also, it's amazing how you forget who the people were who kept in touch with you. It shocked me to be confronted with the evidence that certain people wrote letter after letter after letter to me. From Kansas, there was Erin and Ianne and Amanda. From South Dakota, Katryna of course and Keisha and Katrina. From Minnesota well... no one really, but lots of graduation announcements and parties. Hah. From the internet? TONS of online friends who became "real life pen-pals" to me. Ibrahim from the UAE, Amir from Israel, James from Georgia, Joseph from Massachusetts, Mike from Minnesota... the list goes on forever! Ben from DC wrote me until he got engaged - he had very pretty handwriting. Susan also wrote and still does. Oh and how could I forget Meghan, my coolest internet friend who then came to visit me in Minnesota. I had a ridiculously strong correspondence network the summer I was a camp counselor in Pennyslvania - I had my entire freshman floor writing to me. And from each camp I went to or trip I took, it seems I kept in touch with at least one person for months or years afterwards. What a crazy network of people... and each of them has changed me even if I can't remember or see how.

But really more than fun, throwing away all these letters (and salvaging a few things like photos and postcards) was a little depressing. I don't know why. I guess it's that I don't like to have baggage. I like to travel light on this journey. I like to keep moving forward. I could never have decided to read through all those letters, let alone keep them. They found their way to trash bags. It's hard throwing away your history, but harder still, I think, to hang on to it.

Home sweet home

I'm at home in Minnesota, and so happy. :) And btw, is my family cute or what? Last night we went to waiter races in downtown Fargo. I'll post pictures of that craziness later on... 13 more minutes of work till my parking runs out.

Rewriting the Geneva Conventions

I hope George W. Bush is unsuccessful in his attempts at Rewriting the Geneva Conventions. This NYT editorial explains a little more about what the administration is doing and why it is abhorrent.

Trust

Trust is a really difficult thing, I mean in the beginning stages of a relationship. I am a naturally trusting person. I not only wear my heart on my sleeve, I kind of throw it at someone. lol I'm trying to be better about that but it's hard. Guarding your heart is very difficult, and you have to walk the fine line between guarding your heart and giving it away to the right person at the right time. I mean, I think if you guard it and hold on to it too much, you will miss life, or at the very least, you will miss the most exciting (and sweetest) parts of a relationship.

I guess I trust people because I want to believe the best about them, and I want to take ahold of the best thing for me. But sometimes, no matter how perceptive you are about people, you can misjudge. Or it may not even be a matter of misjudging a person - they just may fail you or otherwise let you down.

I always thought all these adult songs about being hurt in the past and letting that or not letting that affect a current chance at love were so... over the top. But really that is the biggest thing single people deal with, at least from my perspective.

Do people who get married feel a surge in trust? It seems in our society, marriage is no longer the trust seal that it once was. I'm sure it depends on the person... I hope the relationship I'm in - or whatever permanent relationship I find myself in - gets to the point where Ijust totally don't even think about trust anymore. That would be such a relief. Is it safe to get to that point? Can you really expect someone to offer you unconditional love? Can you really expect yourself to offer it to someone? For sanity, I think we have to find a way to be in that place. At least for me personally, that's a safe place that I can't live without. I have one version of it with my immediate family (parents, etc.) and now I'm at the age of needing it in another way.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on love and trust today. Thank you. Haha. :)

Craig

Hey I found pictures of Craig. Yes, the man with the famous LIST. Haha.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/pr/pressimages.html

Their FAQ section is really interesting. I like their philosophy, as well as the way they make money.

Less answers, more God

"I hope you’ll go home and read your Bible. I always find it interesting all the people who read the Bible so they can find answers. And just about every time in my life that I have ever found an answer, if I went back and read the Bible, it would blow it out of the water. So I’ve given up trying to find answers in the Bible, and I’m learning to look in there for the weirdest character of all of them. And that would be God Almighty himself. He’s bizarre from our whole point of view – that someone could be so totally other and so completely by himself… and yet he could want us badly enough that he would become like us in order to help us become like Him.

If you want a religion that makes sense, I suggest something other than Christianity. But if you want a religion that makes life, then I think this is the one."

(Rich Mullins)

I may have posted this before, but I just found it again. This is why Rich Mullins is, yes, my hero.

God is in the rain

I took these pictures from an airplane over Missouri on Thursday morning. I felt like I was seeing rain from God's perspective... so beautiful how it sweeps through. It's like a cleansing curtain that washes across the land. Cool. :)

Just say no to Lieber

What's all this Lieberman stuff in the news? I mean, who really cares? I don't know much about him but I will tell you this - he's a career politician and that can't be good for America. We need real people who live real lives and serve their government for a short time. (I don't care if it's impractical.) Plus, what's with MoveOn and other alliances taking him down? I hate the idea that if you're a Democrat, you have to vote "the Democratic way" on all issues. Don't we always give our political leaders a hard time for towing the party line no matter what rather than following their consciences? So if someone actually diverges from the party position - awesome! Even if you disagree, you should know that it's awesome, because it means there's some humanity and diversity and thinking going on. Of course it could just be corruption and betrayal and all that, but let's give people the benefit of the doubt. After all, it's Liiiiiiieberman. lol (I've just never really liked him and for superficial reasons, that's all. It's really not fair that he's the object of my annoyance but that's just the way it is.)

The news in general is really... not good lately. I mean, if you get it by TV (which I know you shouldn't...) all you see is CRISIS IN THE MIDDLE EAST. Crisis. What a word. I realize what's going on is extremely serious. I realize people are dying. I just think it's very sensational and exploitative to cover it the way they do.

I don't know where I'm going with this. It's 10:33. I have a flight at 7:35 in the morning. Plus I need to finish a project and pack. Ayyyy.

What's true?

Two interesting things in my inbox today:

Urban Word of the Day
www.urbandictionary.com

August 08, 2006:
wikiality
Reality as decided on by majority rule.

Based off [wikipedia]'s 'majority rule' fact.
Featured on [The Colbert Report] July 31, 2006.

Wikiality refers to the changing of reality or truth via a Wikipedia-like system, allowing the public to change facts as long as there are others that agree.

and

The international news agency Reuters has withdrawn a photo of Beirut following an air attack after American bloggers pointed out "blatant evidence of manipulation." Reuters admitted that the photo had been doctored to make it appear that the city was more damaged than it actually was. You can click here to see the picture ...

I'm fascinated by all things related to citizen journalism, blogging, and the democratization of information... because it relates directly to truth, perceptions, and reality. I mean, isn't it crazy-interesting that truth is becoming such a fluid concept? Maybe it always has been. And do we need to protect it? Can we?

Maybe if I go to grad school someday I will study this. If I had to say what I'm most passionate about, it's probably helping people around the world have a better quality of life through art and technology. That's why I get as excited about people blogging their experience and interpretation of events as I do about kids doing competitive ballroom dancing or learning to play an instrument or sing. They're all vehicles to hope, I think, and there's real life along the way.

The very special driver

Wow, it only gets better:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: donotreply@youareveryspecial.com
Date: Aug 3, 2006 11:00 PM
Subject: You are very special
To: liz

Liz,

You and I are going out for a romantic meal at a remote restaurant in the middle of a wind-swept desert. I ask you to drive my sports car for me, so I can have a drink or two with my dinner. That makes you the designated driver. The very special driver.

What do you mean that you want a drink too?

Speciweshispecial

HAH! Thank you, Liz, for this.

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: donotreply@youareveryspecial.com
Date: Jul 30, 2006 11:00 PM
Subject: You are very special
To: liz

Liz,

I'm sorry to have to say this, but you are speciweshispecial. Yes you are! Yes you are!

That probably embarrassed us both, but it had to be said.

--------

This message has been sent to you by youareveryspecial.com

Bring it on home to me

My favorite song right now... I don't care if it's cliche, this is my love language!!! lol

Bring It On Home
(Little Big Town)

You got someone here wants to make it all right
Someone who loves you more than life right here...
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here...

I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need - bring it on home to me.

You know I know you like the back of my hand
And you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
Gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes, I'm still gonna be right here, yes I am

Take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby, leave it all behind

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need - bring it on home to me.

Baby, let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away

When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need - bring it on home to me.

Only one 4-letter word

I think this song is somewhat genius. Haha.

Love You
Jack Ingram

Dang the sun, dang this day
And I'm just tryin to stay outta your danged ol' way
To heck with this, to heck with us
And shoot if I'll ever look back on where I've been
Shoot if I'll ever give away my heart again

Love you, love this town
Love this mother-lovin' truck that keeps breakin' lovin' down
There's only one four-letter word that'll do:
Love you

Love your cat, love this house
Well, I can't believe myself that I'm lovin' gettin' out
Love talkin, love fightin'
Thought of never seein' your lovin' face
There's some words that some words just have to replace

Love you, love this town
Yeah, I'm sick and lovin' tired of all your lovin' around
There's only one four-letter word that'll do
Love you

Love you, love this town
Yeah, I'm sick and lovin' tired of all your lovin' around
There's only one four-letter word that'll do:
Love you

Love you, love this town
Love this mother-lovin' truck that keeps breakin' lovin' down
There's only one four-letter word that'll do:
Love you
Love you
Love you
Love you, honey

Finally got some JUICE in tha hizzy

So after I wrote the last post and continued to play the day away, my computer stopped charging. The power cord got very fussy and had to be held into the back of the laptop at a particular angle. I could handle that, until it stopped cooperating entirely. My crappy Acer battery continued to lose power at warp-speed until like 15% remained. Well, now that I'm in the middle of this story, I realize that it's long and boring so I'll spare you. Suffice it to say my computer has been dead for 7 days while I have waited for Acer to send me the RIGHT power cord! I feel bad I gave the customer service guy such a hard time yesterday but they really were being loserish with me. The whole tense phone conversation made me realize that, in some deep subconscious recess in my mind, all phone calls to corporations involving customer service reps, terrible hold music, and inept attempts to solve problems are grouped together in this massive "I HATE COMPANIES" category. The effect is that whenever I call any company, and have to wait for more than 1 minute, and have a less-than-perfect experience, the most violent and uncontrollable anger is stirred up from within my being. lol I mean I'm half-joking but it's half-true.

It's like in Crash, which Amanda and I watched again the other night. You know how Sandra Bullock's character is such a... and near the end, she realizes her anger is chronic. She says, everyday I wake up everyday like this and I don't know why. I can relate to that 100%. That is my last year in DC. It was primarily my job and the traffic, but it's also primarily the way I handle stress (which is badly). I was always angry. Anything can set you off and make you cry.

Anyway I'm not like that now, though I am struggling to handle normal, everyday stress in a healthy way (but you know that from my earlier post). Honestly I would love like... a 2 month retreat from just absolutely everything. And I do mean everyTHING and everyONE. I don't see how that is going to happen, though.

I'm going home for 2 weeks this month, and I am tempted to make it even longer.

Part of what's been happening in the last month to cause the blog absence is that I met a guy, thought I fell in love, was on cloud nine, and then he fell off the face of the earth. I don't understand guys at all. You wouldn't believe the serious type stuff he said not only to me, but to my friends as well, and yet he just dropped off all contact... so bizarre. I feel sooooooo puzzled. And of course I can appreciate the whole "he's just not that into you" theory. It's probably true in this case. I'm not a stupid or desperate girl... I can realize when the connection is just lost. But the two times I explicitly said, "I guess you are trying to tell me, through your actions, that we are over" ... he pleaded with me saying that no it wasn't, it was just circumstances, and I was the one thing he wanted in his life. Then nothing.

Again, I don't understand guys. I'm just trying to move on from that.... I'm sad for the loss but on the other hand, I deserve much, much, much, much, much better treatment than that.

And work has been really busy...

And also I moved this past weekend. So many friends helped me... I am so grateful. On the other hand though, moving apartments when you live alone can be very lonely. I am fine but the feeling comes and goes throughout the whole process. There are an infinite number of details to take care of when you move, and when you're alone, you have to think of and do them all yourself. I am glad for my independence but there's definitely times of loneliness.

So here I am today... moving on from the love of my life who turned out to not be... lol... and the move which has been exhaustingggggg.... and finally having my computer back after 7 days and feeling very overwhelmed by all the emails and projects staring back at me.

Jesus.