Today, at the gym, when I was getting off the elliptical, I totally stepped backwards into the guy on the elliptical machine next to me... to the point of like, stopping his arms from their motion. lol So I, embarassed, apologized... oh no it gets worse. It does. Then as I turned around to walk away, my knee smacked into the back of the machine soooo hard. lol I am such a dork.
On an unrelated note (actually maybe it's related to the dork phenomenon), I have really been struggling with jealousy. I can be jealous of almost anyone for almost anything. At other times, I am soooo happy to be in my own skin (as opposed to anyone else's) and feel so free from that feeling. Seriously, basking in my own independence and alone-ness before God is sometimes the best thing I can rest in, and I am so happy to be just... me. I guess this is just one of my personal struggles, and everyone has theirs... right? :) Riiiiight? Okay. I guess I'm just saying it on here for psuedo confession. Telling you what a klutz I am and how I am so prone to consuming jealousy somehow helps me get over it.
Did you ever think how we all have, probably, around the same number of scars... the same level of disfigurement and sin? Some of us wear it outwardly and some of us inwardly. That's just my personal theory.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Learn something new everyday
Did you know concrete is a plastic?
Oh the tidbits you will learn when once you begin to edit an online Carpentry course...
Oh the tidbits you will learn when once you begin to edit an online Carpentry course...
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Free enough, joyful enough
Note: I just re-read this and even with all my caveats and qualifications, it sounds really "I'm better than you all." Please. That's not my heart and if you're reading this, hopefully you know that. I'm just discovering how free I really am.
I'm listening to "I am not my hair" by India.Arie. Man i like this song. The lyrics aren't terribly amazing but just the beat. Mmmmmmmmm.... does the way I wear my hair make me a better person... mmmm... yeahh.. I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not your expectations, no no...
Okay. Focus jenny!
Last night we went to see Phil Keaggy. He's an amazing guitarist. I think he was so good that I couldn't even understand or appreciate his talent.
But it was held at a Vineyard Church building. And I have nothing against Vineyard or any other church. I really don't. I'm just speaking in terms of my personal response when I say...
I hate church atmospheres. I have come to hate it. The people seem so... white, middle-class, and well-behaved. The building - inside and out - is so white, institutional, and ugly. The whole thing just screams boredom to me. All I kept thinking, and maybe this is a lie I'm telling myself, but all I could think was "I'm way too free to stay here." That's why no typical church has held me, I think.
There's this other phrase that's stuck with me. Not sure where I read it... it may even be in a certain translation of Scripture. But the little phrase is: "joyful enough to house the living God." When I first heard that phrase, I dwelled and dwelled on it. I loved it. How much joy... how alive must I be (not out of my own work, but naturally, springing forth easily)... when my heart is housing the living God. And as the Body, how joyful, how alive are we when we house the living God!
Actually even just the phrase 'living God' makes my heart leap. 'God' has become a bit of a meaningless word to me, from overuse... so when I intentionally remember what that word even means, my soul expands. 'God' means bigger than the whole universe, and yet small enough to see and understand what happens in the nucleus of the atoms that make up the chemical compounds that make up my tissue that make up my organs that make up my body. (And not just my body but everything and everyone, everywhere.) 'God' means all the love, passion, color, heat, energy, creativity, wildness, and sheer awareness that exists, all balled up together and barrelling forward with and into humanity. 'God' means all the "laws" of science rendered powerless, all the fear of death gone, all the shame of living as a human... erased by grace. Wow. See? When I really stop and remember what it would mean for someone to actually be GOD, I get excited.
That said, this church atmosphere last night tapped on my shoulder and whispered everything contrary to this freedom. Now I think the people there are good, salt of the earth people. I love them, as much as I can love my nameless brothers and sisters in Christ. And I certainly think I'm no better than them. In fact, I give them tons of credit for persevering! But I'm grateful that when I could do it no longer, God gave me a trap door exit from the stage. And it's not like I was totally kicked out of the play for failing... it's more like there was a cast party going on below the stage. And at this cast party, I can hear the music and the wine is flowing freely and I'm below the surface and loving it. I know I'm getting crazy with the analogy here but... go with it. (The wine wasn't metaphor. That part is real.) (Hehe.)
Moving from Washington to Raleigh has been a bit of a metaphor for what's happening spiritually. I went from that top place, where people and places are recognized. Where there is prestige and reputation and certainty and expectation. To this place, somewhat off the map, that is extremely unpretentious. And I don't care if you know about Raleigh or not, and I don't care if you like it or not. I'm off the map, and I like it this way. I'm not trying to be anything anymore, not trying to achieve. If I am trying to be anything, it's God's. I want to be God's.
I really want to emphasize that I don't feel that I am better than any other person, or that any Christian institution is beneath me. I am saying I'm a failure at it. Just how God made a lot of people too strange to fit into their society or their era, He made me this way and I'm still discovering just how weird I am and (no, that's not the highlight :) ... the highlight is... discovering how absolutely CRAZY he is. Not so much irrational as transrational. Not so much insane as completely-redefinining-sanity(health)-beyond-all-our-imagination-and-expectations.
What a friend we have in Jesus.
I'm listening to "I am not my hair" by India.Arie. Man i like this song. The lyrics aren't terribly amazing but just the beat. Mmmmmmmmm.... does the way I wear my hair make me a better person... mmmm... yeahh.. I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not your expectations, no no...
Okay. Focus jenny!
Last night we went to see Phil Keaggy. He's an amazing guitarist. I think he was so good that I couldn't even understand or appreciate his talent.
But it was held at a Vineyard Church building. And I have nothing against Vineyard or any other church. I really don't. I'm just speaking in terms of my personal response when I say...
I hate church atmospheres. I have come to hate it. The people seem so... white, middle-class, and well-behaved. The building - inside and out - is so white, institutional, and ugly. The whole thing just screams boredom to me. All I kept thinking, and maybe this is a lie I'm telling myself, but all I could think was "I'm way too free to stay here." That's why no typical church has held me, I think.
There's this other phrase that's stuck with me. Not sure where I read it... it may even be in a certain translation of Scripture. But the little phrase is: "joyful enough to house the living God." When I first heard that phrase, I dwelled and dwelled on it. I loved it. How much joy... how alive must I be (not out of my own work, but naturally, springing forth easily)... when my heart is housing the living God. And as the Body, how joyful, how alive are we when we house the living God!
Actually even just the phrase 'living God' makes my heart leap. 'God' has become a bit of a meaningless word to me, from overuse... so when I intentionally remember what that word even means, my soul expands. 'God' means bigger than the whole universe, and yet small enough to see and understand what happens in the nucleus of the atoms that make up the chemical compounds that make up my tissue that make up my organs that make up my body. (And not just my body but everything and everyone, everywhere.) 'God' means all the love, passion, color, heat, energy, creativity, wildness, and sheer awareness that exists, all balled up together and barrelling forward with and into humanity. 'God' means all the "laws" of science rendered powerless, all the fear of death gone, all the shame of living as a human... erased by grace. Wow. See? When I really stop and remember what it would mean for someone to actually be GOD, I get excited.
That said, this church atmosphere last night tapped on my shoulder and whispered everything contrary to this freedom. Now I think the people there are good, salt of the earth people. I love them, as much as I can love my nameless brothers and sisters in Christ. And I certainly think I'm no better than them. In fact, I give them tons of credit for persevering! But I'm grateful that when I could do it no longer, God gave me a trap door exit from the stage. And it's not like I was totally kicked out of the play for failing... it's more like there was a cast party going on below the stage. And at this cast party, I can hear the music and the wine is flowing freely and I'm below the surface and loving it. I know I'm getting crazy with the analogy here but... go with it. (The wine wasn't metaphor. That part is real.) (Hehe.)
Moving from Washington to Raleigh has been a bit of a metaphor for what's happening spiritually. I went from that top place, where people and places are recognized. Where there is prestige and reputation and certainty and expectation. To this place, somewhat off the map, that is extremely unpretentious. And I don't care if you know about Raleigh or not, and I don't care if you like it or not. I'm off the map, and I like it this way. I'm not trying to be anything anymore, not trying to achieve. If I am trying to be anything, it's God's. I want to be God's.
I really want to emphasize that I don't feel that I am better than any other person, or that any Christian institution is beneath me. I am saying I'm a failure at it. Just how God made a lot of people too strange to fit into their society or their era, He made me this way and I'm still discovering just how weird I am and (no, that's not the highlight :) ... the highlight is... discovering how absolutely CRAZY he is. Not so much irrational as transrational. Not so much insane as completely-redefinining-sanity(health)-beyond-all-our-imagination-and-expectations.
What a friend we have in Jesus.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Don't be evil, Google
Wow.
Google in China (Amnesty International)
Here's an excerpt: Early in 2006 Google launched a self-censoring Chinese search engine, google.cn, and recently announced that they would continue to expand their investments in China. Called “Gu Ge” in Chinese, google.cn affects Chinese Internet users by blocking search results for topics such as human rights, political reform, Tiananmen Square and Falun Gong, among others.
Google in China (Amnesty International)
Here's an excerpt: Early in 2006 Google launched a self-censoring Chinese search engine, google.cn, and recently announced that they would continue to expand their investments in China. Called “Gu Ge” in Chinese, google.cn affects Chinese Internet users by blocking search results for topics such as human rights, political reform, Tiananmen Square and Falun Gong, among others.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Dwight love
My inspiration, my hero, my crème de la crème when it comes to the blog-writer I aspire to be:
Dwight Schrute - blogger extraordinaire
PS. Yes I realize he's not real. Shut up!
Dwight Schrute - blogger extraordinaire
PS. Yes I realize he's not real. Shut up!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Worked on my website today
Okay peeps... so today I got an email with suggestions on how to fix my business website, and magically I found the motivation to complete those changes myself! (The email was intended for me to pay someone else to do it. Heh.)
So.... drum roll please.... umm... yes... so... okay here it is!
http://www.jfcreative.net
I'm open to any and all suggestions. By giving me your critique, you take me one step closer to a better site and a better business that attracts CLIENTS!
PS. Why is it that a day glued to a computer always feels so wasted? Even with as much work as I did on this computer, I'm just like... what the heck did I do today? Plus it's been cloudy for like 8 days straight (not really 8) and so the lack of sun is affecting.
So.... drum roll please.... umm... yes... so... okay here it is!
http://www.jfcreative.net
I'm open to any and all suggestions. By giving me your critique, you take me one step closer to a better site and a better business that attracts CLIENTS!
PS. Why is it that a day glued to a computer always feels so wasted? Even with as much work as I did on this computer, I'm just like... what the heck did I do today? Plus it's been cloudy for like 8 days straight (not really 8) and so the lack of sun is affecting.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Quotes convey cynicism
Why the quotes on this headline?
US 'acts to end prisoner abuse'
Quotes convey cynicism, and it's interesting that the BBC used them here.
With this administration - who knows, maybe with all administrations and this is just the first time I'm paying attention - it's getting harder and harder to control the SPIN. It is getting harder to accurately report from a press conference because it's somewhere between possible and likely that the words spoken are pure rhetoric... even lies.
Language is getting very confusing. Orwell is saying I told ya so. Jenny is sighing.
It's hard to communicate these days. Hard to write, to be involved with news, with dialogue in general.
If you want to learn more about this - and you do, trust me - read this summary of Politics and the English Language... or this section of the George Orwell entry.
US 'acts to end prisoner abuse'
Quotes convey cynicism, and it's interesting that the BBC used them here.
With this administration - who knows, maybe with all administrations and this is just the first time I'm paying attention - it's getting harder and harder to control the SPIN. It is getting harder to accurately report from a press conference because it's somewhere between possible and likely that the words spoken are pure rhetoric... even lies.
Language is getting very confusing. Orwell is saying I told ya so. Jenny is sighing.
It's hard to communicate these days. Hard to write, to be involved with news, with dialogue in general.
If you want to learn more about this - and you do, trust me - read this summary of Politics and the English Language... or this section of the George Orwell entry.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Acquaintence Management
So, I've used Outlook for work for a long time. I use the Inbox like it's sacred - it's sort of my to-do list. (In addition to my other list. Ha :) I also use the calendar. (Even though I did a Google calendar shout-out., I know...) Anyway, the thing is, the Contacts have never been my own. I first inherited my Contacts when I started at my agency in DC in fall of 2003. My boss Christy exported all her business contacts for me and I imported them. About 1,000 people are in my Outlook contacts. A lot of them are internationals - missionaries, leaders in Africa, etc. A lot of them are people in Springfield, Missouri - where my past employer was headquartered.
I don't know most of the people in my Contacts. So I'm deleting them right now. It's extremely tedious and boring. But there are some real people I know in there, so I have to spare those.
Maybe this is a boring post. It's kind of like saying I'm cleaning out the lint in my sock drawer. :-)
But it's true. Soon I will be putting my gajillion new work contacts in Outlook. Emphasis on myyyyyyyy.
The impetus for this massive project was a mega-networking event I participated in this morning. It was like speed dating, only speed business networking. We had 12 rounds. Twelve times you give your 30 minute elevator speech and pass out business cards. Lots of candy and hyper MCs were involved. It was surprisingly fun and surprisingly exhausting.
I don't know most of the people in my Contacts. So I'm deleting them right now. It's extremely tedious and boring. But there are some real people I know in there, so I have to spare those.
Maybe this is a boring post. It's kind of like saying I'm cleaning out the lint in my sock drawer. :-)
But it's true. Soon I will be putting my gajillion new work contacts in Outlook. Emphasis on myyyyyyyy.
The impetus for this massive project was a mega-networking event I participated in this morning. It was like speed dating, only speed business networking. We had 12 rounds. Twelve times you give your 30 minute elevator speech and pass out business cards. Lots of candy and hyper MCs were involved. It was surprisingly fun and surprisingly exhausting.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Appearing hostile
I'm sorry I get so worked up when it comes to political conversations. I am just wired that way, I guess? I wish I could discuss it calmly - partly cause then I think you'd take me more seriously and consider what I have to say - but apparently I am not able to keep it cool.
My friend in college one time called me out for it, and said I was hostile. She was implying, I think, that I was almost scaring her. I felt bad for that.
The thing is, I really don't think I'm committed to certain "sides" or "outcomes" like you think I am. When I talk to my Dad, he thinks I'm conservative. When I talk to my conservative friends, they think I'm a bleeding heart liberal. The truth is I'm an American, which means (or should mean) that I think for myself, so I find myself coming down on both sides of the aisle. If I seem to disagree with you, it's because I think it's being looked at too one-sidedly... so narrowly... and I am forced to play the devil's advocate.
Of course I usually do believe what I am advocating, but please don't pigeonhole me. Well, that's pretty much not worth saying because your mind has to make sense of me (and everything else it encounters) and so it will be forced to classify me somewhere. I'm a pro-lifer. I'm a Democrat. I'm (recently) a not-so-big-on-institutional-religion-but-still-desperately-need-Jesus-of-Nazareth kind of Christian. I care about the international arena generally, people in poverty specifically, and peace. But I also see the value of military protection and intervention, and though I'd love to be strong enough in myself to say 'we don't need military,' I'm afraid that we do.
And the more I learn about any one issue, the more confused I am about it. Knowing more seems to take me further from a conclusion. Isn't it supposed to work the other way? But I'm trying to remain engaged. I'm trying to recognize that I have a part in conspicuous consumption, and global warming, and racial inequality, and the ability of multinational corporations to be profitable and powerful and harmful.
I'm trying to remain engaged. I see why it's tempting not to be. Maybe part of why I get worked up with you is because you seem to want to disengage, and I can't let that happen to either of us. Disengagement is the problem for most of us.
Jesus wasn't engaged, my friends tell me. Are they right? Wheaton told me otherwise. I guess this is my newest question to solve. I thought it was so obvious that Jesus was engaged... the whole Roaring Lambs book... or the Scandal of the Evangelical Mind... or just the scary nature of the Christian subculture. Separate is not equal... separate is weird, Christians! :) But maybe Jesus wasn't so engaged with "the world" after all. See? I'm confused again.
My friend in college one time called me out for it, and said I was hostile. She was implying, I think, that I was almost scaring her. I felt bad for that.
The thing is, I really don't think I'm committed to certain "sides" or "outcomes" like you think I am. When I talk to my Dad, he thinks I'm conservative. When I talk to my conservative friends, they think I'm a bleeding heart liberal. The truth is I'm an American, which means (or should mean) that I think for myself, so I find myself coming down on both sides of the aisle. If I seem to disagree with you, it's because I think it's being looked at too one-sidedly... so narrowly... and I am forced to play the devil's advocate.
Of course I usually do believe what I am advocating, but please don't pigeonhole me. Well, that's pretty much not worth saying because your mind has to make sense of me (and everything else it encounters) and so it will be forced to classify me somewhere. I'm a pro-lifer. I'm a Democrat. I'm (recently) a not-so-big-on-institutional-religion-but-still-desperately-need-Jesus-of-Nazareth kind of Christian. I care about the international arena generally, people in poverty specifically, and peace. But I also see the value of military protection and intervention, and though I'd love to be strong enough in myself to say 'we don't need military,' I'm afraid that we do.
And the more I learn about any one issue, the more confused I am about it. Knowing more seems to take me further from a conclusion. Isn't it supposed to work the other way? But I'm trying to remain engaged. I'm trying to recognize that I have a part in conspicuous consumption, and global warming, and racial inequality, and the ability of multinational corporations to be profitable and powerful and harmful.
I'm trying to remain engaged. I see why it's tempting not to be. Maybe part of why I get worked up with you is because you seem to want to disengage, and I can't let that happen to either of us. Disengagement is the problem for most of us.
Jesus wasn't engaged, my friends tell me. Are they right? Wheaton told me otherwise. I guess this is my newest question to solve. I thought it was so obvious that Jesus was engaged... the whole Roaring Lambs book... or the Scandal of the Evangelical Mind... or just the scary nature of the Christian subculture. Separate is not equal... separate is weird, Christians! :) But maybe Jesus wasn't so engaged with "the world" after all. See? I'm confused again.
US will be interrogated by UN Committee on Torture
UN to quiz Washington on torture
1. Yay for accountability and transparency
2. How in the world did we ever get to this point? The United States of America... land of the free... upholder of human rights... covered in a dark shroud of suspicion and secrecy. It is not good. It just is not good. I hope that my worst thoughts of what is happening are unfounded. I really do. Just from what I've read, things do not look good.
1. Yay for accountability and transparency
2. How in the world did we ever get to this point? The United States of America... land of the free... upholder of human rights... covered in a dark shroud of suspicion and secrecy. It is not good. It just is not good. I hope that my worst thoughts of what is happening are unfounded. I really do. Just from what I've read, things do not look good.
NC beach lovah
So, I've been absent for a couple days and here's why. My Mom came to town (visiting from Minnesota). As I write, she is packing her bags. So is my Aunt who just came down from Northern VA... they both leave on different flights at exactly 12:40 today.
But the week started with my Mom getting in late on Friday night. I won't re-live every aspect of our week, but one of the highlights is that we spontaneously decided to go to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I have never been there before... And it looks pretty crazy if you see it on a map because it's a tiny strip of land totally out in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean:
You see that little black line just east of Raleigh that outlines North Carolina? Yep, that is it.
So anyway, we saw several lighthouses which were beautiful and majestic but also kind of frightening. They call this area "the graveyard of the Atlantic" because there have been over 1,000 shipwrecks. I thought that meant the lighthouses were doing a terrible job but my Mom says it would have been even more without their help. Interesting.
Anyway, we found a hotel room on the 3rd floor, oceanfront! The waves were so incredibly loud and powerful. I have never gone to sleep with something like that roaring outside my window. We woke up to the world's earliest sunrise, and this beautiful view:
We headed back that morning and went through Roanoke Island. That's where the lost colony of Roanoke was... the first British settlement ever. Yes, even before Jamestown. I always thought that was Roanoke, Virginia but indeed it is in North Carolina. It turns out that all this land was called Virginia back then! Named after the virgin queen, Elizabeth.
Anyway, on our day heading back, I was so headachey and tired and just felt terrible. All I could do was sleep in the car. I was totally useless and pretty miserable. Even when we got back to my house, I immediately collapsed on the bed and couldn't get up for several hours.
When I did wake up, I threw up. Four times. Yes, I just told you that. Hahaha. We think it was something to do with the shrimp that we ate at the beach. I don't know but I started to feel much better, but it took another 24 hours for things to really get back to normal. Even now I'm not 100% but I'm getting there...
Then my aunt came and we went over to Chapel Hill, ever so briefly... just so my Mom could see this college town. I'm trying to post some photos but it's not working. Hmm... well if I do get it to work, this is the end of the post for now. :) I need to get showered and get these girls to the airport!
The rest of the photos are here.
But the week started with my Mom getting in late on Friday night. I won't re-live every aspect of our week, but one of the highlights is that we spontaneously decided to go to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I have never been there before... And it looks pretty crazy if you see it on a map because it's a tiny strip of land totally out in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean:
You see that little black line just east of Raleigh that outlines North Carolina? Yep, that is it.
So anyway, we saw several lighthouses which were beautiful and majestic but also kind of frightening. They call this area "the graveyard of the Atlantic" because there have been over 1,000 shipwrecks. I thought that meant the lighthouses were doing a terrible job but my Mom says it would have been even more without their help. Interesting.
Anyway, we found a hotel room on the 3rd floor, oceanfront! The waves were so incredibly loud and powerful. I have never gone to sleep with something like that roaring outside my window. We woke up to the world's earliest sunrise, and this beautiful view:
We headed back that morning and went through Roanoke Island. That's where the lost colony of Roanoke was... the first British settlement ever. Yes, even before Jamestown. I always thought that was Roanoke, Virginia but indeed it is in North Carolina. It turns out that all this land was called Virginia back then! Named after the virgin queen, Elizabeth.
Anyway, on our day heading back, I was so headachey and tired and just felt terrible. All I could do was sleep in the car. I was totally useless and pretty miserable. Even when we got back to my house, I immediately collapsed on the bed and couldn't get up for several hours.
When I did wake up, I threw up. Four times. Yes, I just told you that. Hahaha. We think it was something to do with the shrimp that we ate at the beach. I don't know but I started to feel much better, but it took another 24 hours for things to really get back to normal. Even now I'm not 100% but I'm getting there...
Then my aunt came and we went over to Chapel Hill, ever so briefly... just so my Mom could see this college town. I'm trying to post some photos but it's not working. Hmm... well if I do get it to work, this is the end of the post for now. :) I need to get showered and get these girls to the airport!
The rest of the photos are here.
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