I hope you don't mind, Philip, but what you wrote was so wonderful... I've never heard 'love' and 'faith' defined like this. You should be writing my blog! lol So I pulled your comment off the post below and put it here for all to enjoy:
I don't know how different love and faith actually are. Love seems to be (according to a list of authors and speakers listed later) an authentic approach toward another in which you are transformed, while leaving that other as is - in other words, not internally likening it to yourself or otherwise denying its individuality. It's an "internal" experience which requires some sort of response or reaction - even when you have no idea how to react.
Love at its core is both relational and personal. It only arises in relationship to another, but it's still ultimately you who loves, no matter the response (encouragement or otherwise) of the other. Even if the object hurts you or otherwise refuses your response, it is still your responsibility to love.
NB: THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "RESPONSIBILITY" AND "DUTY". You have no duty of any kind to stay in an abusive relationship of any kind or continue to love when such an attachment can kill you - in that sense that no one can force you to act otherwise apart from your consent, you're free. The flip side is that you are responsible to the relationship - it is your response to that other person which is ultimate.
Faith seems to be similar - approaching life/god/reality in a way that leaves you transformed and open to new possibility. It too requires a response which at any given time you might not be capable of performing, but the call must lead you on. It is the direct encounter with and responsibility to the Ultimate, and not mental assent to some creedal statement. No guarantee things will turn out right, and the probability that things will go badly and it might well be your own damn fault Yet you continue blindly into the unfolding world, listening ahead for the one who saves you from your finitude.
...writing this, I felt way too many influences. Levinas, McLaren, Buber, Krishnamurti, Gene, B. Katie, the gospels, a whole lot of Buddhist teachers and a little bit of Derrida. I can't say that a single thing above is even original, or accurate, or even internally consistent...especially since my experience at loving and at faith is virtually nil. They seem like smart people, though.
Random note: Don't look up what "pistis" means in Lithuanian. And if you do, don't read 1 Corinthians or Luke (or the other gospels, or Acts, or any letter besides 2 John) with that meaning in place of the word "faith" in translation.
(Credit, All of It, Due to One Philip S.)
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Love is greater than faith
You know how the banner of the Reformation was "saved by grace through faith" ? Sola Fide... faith alone. Not by works but by faith. Yada, yada, yada. (Hehe I saw the Seinfeld "yada" episode last night. That's a good one.)
Anyway, I've just been thinking a lot about love lately.
But now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
(1 Cor. 13:13)
The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
(Galatians 5:6)
And it's just funny to me that we put so much stock in faith... so much faith in faith, really. When God has said pretty clearly, over and over, in story and even directly, that what really matters more than anything is love.
The greatest commandment is this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
(Deuteronomy 6:5)
Not to have soul-saving faith, not to have correct theology (we'll be lucky if 2% of our theology is right, in my estimation), not to pray the right prayer... but the greatest commandment is to love the Great God of the Universe, the Maker of all things both seen and unseen, that Great Artist and Amazing Lover
And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself.
(Mark 12:31)
You could say faith is a necessary first step to loving. You might call me crazy but I would say love makes faith almost irrelevant. It's no longer even a question of faith. Love overshadows the whole faith issue.
I get along very well with people who understand faith as something that is only real when it is felt or expressed as love. I think Jesus liked those people, too -
Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
Okay so he used the word faith at the end... hehe maybe my grand point isn't adding up. Hmmm I wonder if I could pull out some Greek and prove he used a special faith word that means love. Phil, can ya help me out? lol
Well let me just leave you with this one...
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Anyway, I've just been thinking a lot about love lately.
But now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
(1 Cor. 13:13)
The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
(Galatians 5:6)
And it's just funny to me that we put so much stock in faith... so much faith in faith, really. When God has said pretty clearly, over and over, in story and even directly, that what really matters more than anything is love.
The greatest commandment is this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
(Deuteronomy 6:5)
Not to have soul-saving faith, not to have correct theology (we'll be lucky if 2% of our theology is right, in my estimation), not to pray the right prayer... but the greatest commandment is to love the Great God of the Universe, the Maker of all things both seen and unseen, that Great Artist and Amazing Lover
And the second is like it. Love your neighbor as yourself.
(Mark 12:31)
You could say faith is a necessary first step to loving. You might call me crazy but I would say love makes faith almost irrelevant. It's no longer even a question of faith. Love overshadows the whole faith issue.
I get along very well with people who understand faith as something that is only real when it is felt or expressed as love. I think Jesus liked those people, too -
Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner."
Jesus answered him, "Simon, I have something to tell you."
"Tell me, teacher," he said.
"Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?"
Simon replied, "I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled."
"You have judged correctly," Jesus said.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."
Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."
The other guests began to say among themselves, "Who is this who even forgives sins?"
Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."
(Luke 7)Okay so he used the word faith at the end... hehe maybe my grand point isn't adding up. Hmmm I wonder if I could pull out some Greek and prove he used a special faith word that means love. Phil, can ya help me out? lol
Well let me just leave you with this one...
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Free hugs
I saw big, plain signs that said "FREE HUGS" on the streets of Seattle. I was with my Mom when we saw them.
Even though I didn't go get my free hug, we both laughed so much from just the sight of it. Not laughing making fun, but just laughing as in - isn't that crazy and great?
So I just now found the story behind Free Hugs and also a great video. This thing really made me cry. (Isn't that crazy and great? lol) My favorite is the little old lady who gets a hug from this guy and then just holds his face in her hand. It is such a beautiful moment.
Even though I didn't go get my free hug, we both laughed so much from just the sight of it. Not laughing making fun, but just laughing as in - isn't that crazy and great?
So I just now found the story behind Free Hugs and also a great video. This thing really made me cry. (Isn't that crazy and great? lol) My favorite is the little old lady who gets a hug from this guy and then just holds his face in her hand. It is such a beautiful moment.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
Love came and we were all afraid
I am still running
Oh, I am still running
Running from the knowledge
That eye, that love
Oh, I am still running
I am still running
Running from the knowledge
From which there's no refuge
For you meant only love - and loved
And I felt only fear and pain
So once in Israel
LOVE CAME
And we were all afraid.
("Still Running," eastmountainsouth)
I know I've blogged about this song before. I just like it. So take that.
I'm at a bakery-cafe in Northern Virgina and SOMETHING AMAZING just came out of the ovens... smells like toffee and brown sugar and everything wonderful. Yummm. It's cold and it's rainy and I love it.
So I think I may drive back to Raleigh tonight, depending upon whether Liz will surface or not.
Oh, I am still running
Running from the knowledge
That eye, that love
Oh, I am still running
I am still running
Running from the knowledge
From which there's no refuge
For you meant only love - and loved
And I felt only fear and pain
So once in Israel
LOVE CAME
And we were all afraid.
("Still Running," eastmountainsouth)
I know I've blogged about this song before. I just like it. So take that.
I'm at a bakery-cafe in Northern Virgina and SOMETHING AMAZING just came out of the ovens... smells like toffee and brown sugar and everything wonderful. Yummm. It's cold and it's rainy and I love it.
So I think I may drive back to Raleigh tonight, depending upon whether Liz will surface or not.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Loveology, Forgive-me-ology
Listen to this song, "Loveology" by Regina Spektor. (It will take a minute to download... be patient.)
Oh, an incurable humanist you are.
Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.
Oh, An incurable humanist you are.
Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies,
I will sing you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.
Sit down class, open up your textbooks to page 42.
Porcupine-ology, antler-ology, car-ology, bus-ology, train-ology, plane-ology, mama-ology, papa-ology,you-ology, me-ology, love-ology, kiss-ology, stay-ology, please-ology.
Let's study class, let's study class. Sit down.
Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.
Let's study class, let's study class.
Love-ology. Let's study class, sit down.
Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology. I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.
Love-ology
Oh, an incurable humanist you are
Oh, forgive me, Oh, forgive me, Oh.
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology
Oh, an incurable humanist you are.
Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.
Oh, An incurable humanist you are.
Let's go to the movies,
I will hum you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies,
I will sing you a song about nothing at all
Let's go to the movies, Let's go to the movies,
Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all.
Sit down class, open up your textbooks to page 42.
Porcupine-ology, antler-ology, car-ology, bus-ology, train-ology, plane-ology, mama-ology, papa-ology,you-ology, me-ology, love-ology, kiss-ology, stay-ology, please-ology.
Let's study class, let's study class. Sit down.
Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.
Let's study class, let's study class.
Love-ology. Let's study class, sit down.
Love-ology, love-ology, I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, love-ology. I'm sorry-ology, forgive me-ology, love-ology, Love-ology.
Love-ology
Oh, an incurable humanist you are
Oh, forgive me, Oh, forgive me, Oh.
Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me-ology
Thursday, September 28, 2006
How NOT to handle rejection
If you have like 5 or 10 minutes and you want to laugh, check this out.
It is the real-life, very recent story of Darren Sherman. It is complete with not only narrative, but actual audio clips of voice mails he left for Joanne - a girl who did not take him up on a second date. If you have time, listen to all of it.
Thanks again to Liz for this. Hah!
It is the real-life, very recent story of Darren Sherman. It is complete with not only narrative, but actual audio clips of voice mails he left for Joanne - a girl who did not take him up on a second date. If you have time, listen to all of it.
Thanks again to Liz for this. Hah!
Monday, September 18, 2006
You're what I need
Drew gave me a few worship CDs to borrow. They have a great version of this song... and by great I mean totally normal and downplayed and beautiful.
You are the fountain of my life
And in your light I find my reason
Cause your love reaches to the stars, even the great deep
And your love reaches to this heart, and makes me sing
Your love reaches me
It's what I need, it's what I need
Your love reaches me
It's what I need, it's what I need.
Oh Lord, how priceless is your unending love!
Both high and low find refuge in your shadow!
You are the fountain of my life
And in your light I find my reason
Cause your love reaches to the stars, even the great deep
And your love reaches to this heart, and makes me sing
Your love reaches me
It's what I need, it's what I need
Your love reaches me
It's what I need, it's what I need.
Oh Lord, how priceless is your unending love!
Both high and low find refuge in your shadow!
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Trust
Trust is a really difficult thing, I mean in the beginning stages of a relationship. I am a naturally trusting person. I not only wear my heart on my sleeve, I kind of throw it at someone. lol I'm trying to be better about that but it's hard. Guarding your heart is very difficult, and you have to walk the fine line between guarding your heart and giving it away to the right person at the right time. I mean, I think if you guard it and hold on to it too much, you will miss life, or at the very least, you will miss the most exciting (and sweetest) parts of a relationship.
I guess I trust people because I want to believe the best about them, and I want to take ahold of the best thing for me. But sometimes, no matter how perceptive you are about people, you can misjudge. Or it may not even be a matter of misjudging a person - they just may fail you or otherwise let you down.
I always thought all these adult songs about being hurt in the past and letting that or not letting that affect a current chance at love were so... over the top. But really that is the biggest thing single people deal with, at least from my perspective.
Do people who get married feel a surge in trust? It seems in our society, marriage is no longer the trust seal that it once was. I'm sure it depends on the person... I hope the relationship I'm in - or whatever permanent relationship I find myself in - gets to the point where Ijust totally don't even think about trust anymore. That would be such a relief. Is it safe to get to that point? Can you really expect someone to offer you unconditional love? Can you really expect yourself to offer it to someone? For sanity, I think we have to find a way to be in that place. At least for me personally, that's a safe place that I can't live without. I have one version of it with my immediate family (parents, etc.) and now I'm at the age of needing it in another way.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on love and trust today. Thank you. Haha. :)
I guess I trust people because I want to believe the best about them, and I want to take ahold of the best thing for me. But sometimes, no matter how perceptive you are about people, you can misjudge. Or it may not even be a matter of misjudging a person - they just may fail you or otherwise let you down.
I always thought all these adult songs about being hurt in the past and letting that or not letting that affect a current chance at love were so... over the top. But really that is the biggest thing single people deal with, at least from my perspective.
Do people who get married feel a surge in trust? It seems in our society, marriage is no longer the trust seal that it once was. I'm sure it depends on the person... I hope the relationship I'm in - or whatever permanent relationship I find myself in - gets to the point where Ijust totally don't even think about trust anymore. That would be such a relief. Is it safe to get to that point? Can you really expect someone to offer you unconditional love? Can you really expect yourself to offer it to someone? For sanity, I think we have to find a way to be in that place. At least for me personally, that's a safe place that I can't live without. I have one version of it with my immediate family (parents, etc.) and now I'm at the age of needing it in another way.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on love and trust today. Thank you. Haha. :)
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Bring it on home to me
My favorite song right now... I don't care if it's cliche, this is my love language!!! lol
Bring It On Home
(Little Big Town)
You got someone here wants to make it all right
Someone who loves you more than life right here...
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here...
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need - bring it on home to me.
You know I know you like the back of my hand
And you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
Gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes, I'm still gonna be right here, yes I am
Take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby, leave it all behind
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need - bring it on home to me.
Baby, let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need - bring it on home to me.
Bring It On Home
(Little Big Town)
You got someone here wants to make it all right
Someone who loves you more than life right here...
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here...
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need - bring it on home to me.
You know I know you like the back of my hand
And you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
Gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes, I'm still gonna be right here, yes I am
Take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby, leave it all behind
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need - bring it on home to me.
Baby, let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need - bring it on home to me.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Only one 4-letter word
I think this song is somewhat genius. Haha.
Love You
Jack Ingram
Dang the sun, dang this day
And I'm just tryin to stay outta your danged ol' way
To heck with this, to heck with us
And shoot if I'll ever look back on where I've been
Shoot if I'll ever give away my heart again
Love you, love this town
Love this mother-lovin' truck that keeps breakin' lovin' down
There's only one four-letter word that'll do:
Love you
Love your cat, love this house
Well, I can't believe myself that I'm lovin' gettin' out
Love talkin, love fightin'
Thought of never seein' your lovin' face
There's some words that some words just have to replace
Love you, love this town
Yeah, I'm sick and lovin' tired of all your lovin' around
There's only one four-letter word that'll do
Love you
Love you, love this town
Yeah, I'm sick and lovin' tired of all your lovin' around
There's only one four-letter word that'll do:
Love you
Love you, love this town
Love this mother-lovin' truck that keeps breakin' lovin' down
There's only one four-letter word that'll do:
Love you
Love you
Love you
Love you, honey
Love You
Jack Ingram
Dang the sun, dang this day
And I'm just tryin to stay outta your danged ol' way
To heck with this, to heck with us
And shoot if I'll ever look back on where I've been
Shoot if I'll ever give away my heart again
Love you, love this town
Love this mother-lovin' truck that keeps breakin' lovin' down
There's only one four-letter word that'll do:
Love you
Love your cat, love this house
Well, I can't believe myself that I'm lovin' gettin' out
Love talkin, love fightin'
Thought of never seein' your lovin' face
There's some words that some words just have to replace
Love you, love this town
Yeah, I'm sick and lovin' tired of all your lovin' around
There's only one four-letter word that'll do
Love you
Love you, love this town
Yeah, I'm sick and lovin' tired of all your lovin' around
There's only one four-letter word that'll do:
Love you
Love you, love this town
Love this mother-lovin' truck that keeps breakin' lovin' down
There's only one four-letter word that'll do:
Love you
Love you
Love you
Love you, honey
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Finally got some JUICE in tha hizzy
So after I wrote the last post and continued to play the day away, my computer stopped charging. The power cord got very fussy and had to be held into the back of the laptop at a particular angle. I could handle that, until it stopped cooperating entirely. My crappy Acer battery continued to lose power at warp-speed until like 15% remained. Well, now that I'm in the middle of this story, I realize that it's long and boring so I'll spare you. Suffice it to say my computer has been dead for 7 days while I have waited for Acer to send me the RIGHT power cord! I feel bad I gave the customer service guy such a hard time yesterday but they really were being loserish with me. The whole tense phone conversation made me realize that, in some deep subconscious recess in my mind, all phone calls to corporations involving customer service reps, terrible hold music, and inept attempts to solve problems are grouped together in this massive "I HATE COMPANIES" category. The effect is that whenever I call any company, and have to wait for more than 1 minute, and have a less-than-perfect experience, the most violent and uncontrollable anger is stirred up from within my being. lol I mean I'm half-joking but it's half-true.
It's like in Crash, which Amanda and I watched again the other night. You know how Sandra Bullock's character is such a... and near the end, she realizes her anger is chronic. She says, everyday I wake up everyday like this and I don't know why. I can relate to that 100%. That is my last year in DC. It was primarily my job and the traffic, but it's also primarily the way I handle stress (which is badly). I was always angry. Anything can set you off and make you cry.
Anyway I'm not like that now, though I am struggling to handle normal, everyday stress in a healthy way (but you know that from my earlier post). Honestly I would love like... a 2 month retreat from just absolutely everything. And I do mean everyTHING and everyONE. I don't see how that is going to happen, though.
I'm going home for 2 weeks this month, and I am tempted to make it even longer.
Part of what's been happening in the last month to cause the blog absence is that I met a guy, thought I fell in love, was on cloud nine, and then he fell off the face of the earth. I don't understand guys at all. You wouldn't believe the serious type stuff he said not only to me, but to my friends as well, and yet he just dropped off all contact... so bizarre. I feel sooooooo puzzled. And of course I can appreciate the whole "he's just not that into you" theory. It's probably true in this case. I'm not a stupid or desperate girl... I can realize when the connection is just lost. But the two times I explicitly said, "I guess you are trying to tell me, through your actions, that we are over" ... he pleaded with me saying that no it wasn't, it was just circumstances, and I was the one thing he wanted in his life. Then nothing.
Again, I don't understand guys. I'm just trying to move on from that.... I'm sad for the loss but on the other hand, I deserve much, much, much, much, much better treatment than that.
And work has been really busy...
And also I moved this past weekend. So many friends helped me... I am so grateful. On the other hand though, moving apartments when you live alone can be very lonely. I am fine but the feeling comes and goes throughout the whole process. There are an infinite number of details to take care of when you move, and when you're alone, you have to think of and do them all yourself. I am glad for my independence but there's definitely times of loneliness.
So here I am today... moving on from the love of my life who turned out to not be... lol... and the move which has been exhaustingggggg.... and finally having my computer back after 7 days and feeling very overwhelmed by all the emails and projects staring back at me.
Jesus.
It's like in Crash, which Amanda and I watched again the other night. You know how Sandra Bullock's character is such a... and near the end, she realizes her anger is chronic. She says, everyday I wake up everyday like this and I don't know why. I can relate to that 100%. That is my last year in DC. It was primarily my job and the traffic, but it's also primarily the way I handle stress (which is badly). I was always angry. Anything can set you off and make you cry.
Anyway I'm not like that now, though I am struggling to handle normal, everyday stress in a healthy way (but you know that from my earlier post). Honestly I would love like... a 2 month retreat from just absolutely everything. And I do mean everyTHING and everyONE. I don't see how that is going to happen, though.
I'm going home for 2 weeks this month, and I am tempted to make it even longer.
Part of what's been happening in the last month to cause the blog absence is that I met a guy, thought I fell in love, was on cloud nine, and then he fell off the face of the earth. I don't understand guys at all. You wouldn't believe the serious type stuff he said not only to me, but to my friends as well, and yet he just dropped off all contact... so bizarre. I feel sooooooo puzzled. And of course I can appreciate the whole "he's just not that into you" theory. It's probably true in this case. I'm not a stupid or desperate girl... I can realize when the connection is just lost. But the two times I explicitly said, "I guess you are trying to tell me, through your actions, that we are over" ... he pleaded with me saying that no it wasn't, it was just circumstances, and I was the one thing he wanted in his life. Then nothing.
Again, I don't understand guys. I'm just trying to move on from that.... I'm sad for the loss but on the other hand, I deserve much, much, much, much, much better treatment than that.
And work has been really busy...
And also I moved this past weekend. So many friends helped me... I am so grateful. On the other hand though, moving apartments when you live alone can be very lonely. I am fine but the feeling comes and goes throughout the whole process. There are an infinite number of details to take care of when you move, and when you're alone, you have to think of and do them all yourself. I am glad for my independence but there's definitely times of loneliness.
So here I am today... moving on from the love of my life who turned out to not be... lol... and the move which has been exhaustingggggg.... and finally having my computer back after 7 days and feeling very overwhelmed by all the emails and projects staring back at me.
Jesus.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Pumping someone else's blood
This is how it works:
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works:
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some...
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You just do it all again...
(Regina Spektor, On the Radio)
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works:
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some...
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You just do it all again...
(Regina Spektor, On the Radio)
Thursday, June 29, 2006
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