Instability

I feel like a big baby caving in like this, but... I don't know. Ever since my biggest client has needed me MUCH less (significantly affecting my paycheck and my job certainty) and ever since I owed a gajillion dollars on my federal taxes and ever since I am such a big procrastinator and enjoy playing way too much to get any work done... ever since all THAT, I've just been thinking a little more and more about going back to a regular job. I don't know. I LOVE freelancing but it's haaaaaaaaaaard. Yes, that was said with a big, whiney voice. And you have to sell yourself endlessly, and I haaaaaate that. And you don't have a team to work with, and strangely enough, I miss that. Well, I've never really had a good team to work with in a professional setting, but I still - naively maybe - believe that such a thing exists. That you can actually be professionally supported at work and feel valued and get stuff done within reasonable guidelines! I would absolutely love to be given realistic amounts of time and space to produce good work. My former workplace did not allow this, and I don't know why I didn't foresee this, but starting your own business doesn't allow this. Someone told me the other day that it takes 2 to 3 years to establish yourself professionally. Gahh!! I mean in an independent contractor type way. That is forever-long. I don't even THINK in 2 or 3 year terms.

So, should I go back to working for the man? There are definitely pros and definitely cons. It's just that what I am doing now is serious risk-taking and I don't know if I am cut out for it. It's funny that none of this really occurred to me until now... maybe it's just fear. Who knows. I have absolutely no idea where I will be (job-wise) 6 or 12 or 24 months from now.

Relativity

Let me do my part to make you all feel better by sharing my pain...

I owe the freakin' government an insane amount of money this April 15!!!!!!! I was going to post the amount but I think that kind of disclosure may cross the ye olde privacy line. Trust me... INSANE.

I was thinking about just cutting the check direct to Halliburton. Whatdya think? Haha.

No but really.. that's some crazy stuff. If you owe any amount of money, you should feel great about it now cause relatively speaking, I'm sure it doesn't compare. As an independent contractor, I need to start a separate account just to save so I can pay my taxes next year. Seriously. This is new to me.

Do unborn children feel pain?

Fetuses Cannot Experience Pain

This is an interesting article. I tend to agree with the last paragraph. But interesting article. If we could kill elderly people or prisoners with absolutely no pain, would that have any bearing on the morality of the act? Of course not. But I digress. The fact that babies do not experience pain until they are born is really remarkable. If you could invade the womb before the baby was born, I am sure you could inflict pain on the "fetus" (baby) at that point. Come on, I know you could. I guess he is just saying the baby left alone in the womb will feel no pain. So then terminating a pregnancy falls into the category of...?

I really just think it's an interesting article. No solid conclusions here. No real opinions - don't feel threatened. hehe.

Iranian nukes

Can we please NOT nuke Iran for having nukes? Can we give peace a chance, people?

So addicted, so bad

Oh my gosh. I am so addicted to the internet. This is not cool at all.

So, first of all, we steal internet. Yes, that's right, we freely access and take advantage of that which is our neighbor's unsecured wireless network. I've always appreciated this woman who does not secure her network! Big savings. Much obliged.

One time it went down for a few days. That was not good at all. But it came back!

An hour or two ago, her network started showing up in my list as secured. This is like in the movie Elf, when Santa tells Buddy that his Dad is on the naughty list. The only response is a loud, irrational:

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem.

I seriously did not know what to do with myself for the last hour. You may think that is somewhere on the continuum between silly and sick. I can only agree with you. I went and put my laundry in the washer (in another building). Okay. I had dinner. All right. I went to the gas station down the street to get a diet coke and some quarters for the dryer. Sweet. Then I tried calling my Mom, no answer. Tried calling my Dad, no answer. That's weird. Went to the movie store and rented North Country and the new Pride and Prejudice. Took my time in the parking lot because it's dusk and it's beautiful. That's about it.

Came back and the internet is back up.

I half wish maybe it wasn't. I really need to break this addiction.

Treason = Death

On Friday's Real Time with Bill Maher Ben Affleck ranted that President Bush “probably leaked” Valerie Plame's name. Affleck said, “if he did, you can be hung for that! That's treason!” The actor continued: “You could be killed. That's not a joking around Tom DeLay 'I'll do a year, I bribed the state officials with corporate money.' That's like they shoot you in the battlefield for doing that." Let's just all be glad Affleck isn't in politics ...4/10/06 11:50 AM
(Got this from Relevant)

This CIA leak thing is beyond out of control. There is no oversight in our nation's capital right now (or Capitol). It's a scary Republican-held little world (and I'm sure it would be just as scary if it were a Democrat-held world... we need some checks and balances people!) I am so.... disillusioned and disgusted with all of this. Apparently Bush can do nothing to get himself fired... nothing to provoke enough indignation. It just makes you want to not care and that's not good.

I realize that the point of this article (that originated from a "liberals are losers" type of news site) is that Affleck's "rant" - nice word choice by the way - is totally ridiculous. Call me crazy, but I think there is something very shady and very likely criminal going on.

Triceps

Oh... my... gosh! I have triceps!!!! HA!

It's too bad I've never seen them before now but there they are... this working out thing is really starting to pay off.

Give me a few more months and who knows what will appear through this skin. lol

I saw this side of Raleigh today

At the Cardinal Club on the 28th floor. I tell ya... being part of the Chamber is like getting a year-long introduction to the city. It's great.



I got both of these from RaleighSkyline.com.

It's raining in...

I love rain outside an open window in the evening... at any time of night. Especially when you can feel the light breeze coming in and you're watching a movie or just being with people. Yeah... I like that.

And it makes me think of this song, which I have loved ever since I was about 11. Or something. Ever since I was little anyway.

The circus is falling down on its knees
The big top is crumbling down
It's raining in Baltimore, fifty miles east
Where you should be
No one's around

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call...

These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you paid for but I just had no
Intention of living this way.

I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat.

And I get no answers
And I don't get no change
It's raining in Baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same.

There's things I'll remember
Things I'll forget
I MISS YOU. I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
What would you change if you could?

I need a phone call
Maybe I should buy a new car?
I can always hear a freight train...
Baby if I listen real hard
And I wish, I wish it was a small world
Cause I'm lonely for the big towns
I like to hear a little guitar
I guess it's time to put the top down
I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I really need a raincoat
Really, really need a raincoat... really really really need a raincoat
I really need a raincoat.

This is Counting Crows at their best. None of this Accidentally in Love crap. They do their best when singing out their lonely little hearts.

I've realized lately that I really like sad songs. I don't know why cause I'm not a sad person but I just really like sad songs.

Um yeah

Maybe you're not all as lucky to be able to say this as I am... but I will truly never again underestimate my ability to make a situation 10x more awkward than necessary.

Eeeeexcellent.

I also will never underestimate my ability to waste HOURS AND HOURS!! So not okay. I mean it is fine, whatever, but making up for it is rough.

Just feeling all around down on myself. Blah. Can I go on a vacation or something?

Summatime

It is crazy hot in North Carolina!

What concerns me is not so much the actual heat, but the fact that I seem to be the only person that feels this way.

I just discovered Pullen Park, which is downtown near NC State. I went down there today with a blanket, some music, and a book, all intended to induce a state of chill and a slight riiiiiiiiiise in melatonin. There were so many couples, children, picnic lunches, footballs, strollers, and on and on. What was especially cute is one whole park shelter was full of families (I think the requirement must have been to bring at least one young, happy child per adult.) I wasn't exactly sure what they were doing but it involved balloons and Easter baskets. So I'm lying on this hill reading my book, when something white and furry starts moving in my periphery... Yes, the Easter Bunny walked over the hill.

The children lost it.

They were soooo happy. It was a mass movement to run and embrace this lovable, if not scary, man-sized Easter bunny. Very cute and made me smile. I even tried to take a cameraphone picture but it was too far away... sorry.

Anyway, my whole point with this story is that tons of people at the park were in jeans and sneakers (and t-shirts lol). I was in a skirt, a tank top, and flip flops (we're talking maximum circulation) and STILL dying!!

I am afraid that I may have moved way too far south. The summer is going to be rough.

Survey of 4s

Four Jobs I've had:

concessions at a car race track (for 1 day! HA! We got fired I guess.)
news room assistant at city newspaper
waitress
communications director

Four movies I'd watch over and over again:

With Honors
You've Got Mail or Sleepless in Seattle (What's the difference really?)
The original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
LOTR: Return of the King

Four Places I've Lived:

Topeka, KS
Rapid City, SD
Moorhead, MN
Wheaton, IL

Four TV shows I love to watch:

The Apprentice
The Office
American Idol
A Wedding Story or A Baby Story

Four Websites I visit daily:

my personalized Google homepage
Wikipedia.com
Flickr's interestingness (not everyday but often)
Someone's blog or myspace

Four places I've been on Vacation:

Ozarks, Missouri
New England (MA, ME, Montreal, Canada, etc.)
New York
San Francisco

Four foods I love:

Chocolate
Chai and coffee (Yes I'm going to put them on one line.. what're you gonna do about it? :)
Spanakopita
My Dad's Shepherd's Pie (ground beef, peas, mashed potatoes, and lots of cheese)

Four places I'd rather be:

Sitting on a huge porch on Cape Cod overlooking the ocean
At a concert
In a swimming pool in the middle of summer
Italy, Ireland, or Greece

Tagging:

If the spirit moves ya, do this survey :)