I am so unbelievably sore from the last two days at the gym that I feel as if I have been spanked senseless. lol I am not even kidding. I can feel every fiber of muscle in my butt and in the back of my legs... muscles I no longer knew I had. Muscles that either love or hate me right now, I am not sure.
The big news is that, yes, I did it, I got a personal trainer. I know it's a little crazy and a lot expensive, but, I am so excited about working with this lady... her name is Malak and she just moved to the area from Cairo, Egypt. I am her first client here, in fact. I am really excited about having some fitness RESULTS this year!! No more screwing around. See, I had this plan where I was going to set goals for myself and if I hadn't reached them by March, as "punishment" (or just consequence) I was gonna make myself get a trainer to stop screwing around. But let's be honest - was I really gonna get that far on my own? No. So I feel really great about this. Wooohooooooooooooooo!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
A neighbor of a neighbor is my... neighbor, too?
You know how newspapers like to print a "stupid criminals" file with entertaining stories of illegal folly? I think the new and updated version should be "stupid spam." I just received this one...
Dear Jennifer,
We are sending you this email because a neighbor of a neighbor of yours recently purchased septic remedy from us...
A neighbor of a neighbor? Wouldn't that still be my neighbor? Or is this just a way of saying: you have no idea who gave us your name, in fact we probably bought it as part of a list with 100,000 other names from some retailer or merchant who you trusted with your email address (why?). Sheesh.
Dear Jennifer,
We are sending you this email because a neighbor of a neighbor of yours recently purchased septic remedy from us...
A neighbor of a neighbor? Wouldn't that still be my neighbor? Or is this just a way of saying: you have no idea who gave us your name, in fact we probably bought it as part of a list with 100,000 other names from some retailer or merchant who you trusted with your email address (why?). Sheesh.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Country Boys
If I had TV, I would watch this special on PBS called Country Boys. I watched the clips available on the site... my heart really goes out to everyone growing up, in these circumstances... hell, in any circumstances. Growing up hurts, life hurts sometimes... but especially so for kids that haven't been given a lot of support. I have been really sad and struggled at different times in my life, and that's with two of the best parents you could ask for. But when your father committed murder and then suicide, when your mother is on drugs, when school is more than you have the skills to handle, when you can't see beyond your town and you desperately need to get out of it... life can be rough. This is good filming, good stories to tell and to hear.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Spirit not mind, sleepy yet most awake
I almost never wake up during the night. If I do get up for something, which I do so infrequently that I could almost name all the times in my life that I have (hah, well not quite), then I get this strange, almost out-of-body type feeling. Or even if it is just really early in the morning. For example, if it's a dark winter morning and I have to get up at 6am and get in the shower, I will feel strangely metaphysical and physical the whole time. My mind is just thinking... what is real? I am here under hot water, but living in a very cold and snowy place, and it's dark out and yet it's daytime, and I see my skin and I am definitely here, yet supposedly the most real part of me and this world is spiritual and unseen, and there is a Savior that loves me, and, this is all so weird?
I don't know how to explain it, really. I don't not like those times. They are kind of fascinating. It is almost like I am dreaming, you know? Maybe that explains it, that I am still in a bit of a dreamlike state. I am not sure.
But I bring this up because tonight, Curt, Drew, and Amanda talked about a new way to look at this feeling. I mean, they had no context for me thinking about that, but we are going to begin some "spiritual exercises" together... meeting with the Lord in the early morning... praying the Scriptures. No religious praying, no holy words, no anxiety even (that's the part I like! I get nervous praying in front of / with people). But just taking the psalms and other scriptures and speaking them to Christ. And Amanda and I were talking about what time to meet, and everyone agreed right when you get up before you get ready is the best time. When you're kinda half awake? Yes, they said. Because if you wait until you are dressed, your mind is already going a million miles an hour by then. Your mind will interfere. This is not about your mind. It is about your spirit. It is your spirit that speaks to and hears from the Lord.
Wow. That alone is this huge unweighting of relief to me. You mean I don't have to stay in control? I don't have to mentally manage and coordinate communion with God? The more I discover this way of walking in faith, walking in Him, the more I love it. I predict that weeks and months from now, I will not be able to imagine how I did it otherwise. Praying lists, reading passages, studying, thinking, meeting with others on a tight and rigid weekly schedule (one hour, two tops!)... ugh! I hate it all already.
I love that whatever Jesus came to bring, it was natural. It didn't involve pretense or doing. It was (and is) being. It is also freeing. It isn't law and it isn't list. It is time and space, and far beyond time and space.
What they said kind of clicked with my out-of-body mind wanderings. (Btw, I don't have certifiable out-of-body experiences, life just feels so oddly real and yet unreal in those moments.) It makes sense that when I am at my core and open to God, my mind doesn't need to start spinning like the hamster wheel it is. It is not necessary. Worship happens in spirit and in truth.
I don't know how to explain it, really. I don't not like those times. They are kind of fascinating. It is almost like I am dreaming, you know? Maybe that explains it, that I am still in a bit of a dreamlike state. I am not sure.
But I bring this up because tonight, Curt, Drew, and Amanda talked about a new way to look at this feeling. I mean, they had no context for me thinking about that, but we are going to begin some "spiritual exercises" together... meeting with the Lord in the early morning... praying the Scriptures. No religious praying, no holy words, no anxiety even (that's the part I like! I get nervous praying in front of / with people). But just taking the psalms and other scriptures and speaking them to Christ. And Amanda and I were talking about what time to meet, and everyone agreed right when you get up before you get ready is the best time. When you're kinda half awake? Yes, they said. Because if you wait until you are dressed, your mind is already going a million miles an hour by then. Your mind will interfere. This is not about your mind. It is about your spirit. It is your spirit that speaks to and hears from the Lord.
Wow. That alone is this huge unweighting of relief to me. You mean I don't have to stay in control? I don't have to mentally manage and coordinate communion with God? The more I discover this way of walking in faith, walking in Him, the more I love it. I predict that weeks and months from now, I will not be able to imagine how I did it otherwise. Praying lists, reading passages, studying, thinking, meeting with others on a tight and rigid weekly schedule (one hour, two tops!)... ugh! I hate it all already.
I love that whatever Jesus came to bring, it was natural. It didn't involve pretense or doing. It was (and is) being. It is also freeing. It isn't law and it isn't list. It is time and space, and far beyond time and space.
What they said kind of clicked with my out-of-body mind wanderings. (Btw, I don't have certifiable out-of-body experiences, life just feels so oddly real and yet unreal in those moments.) It makes sense that when I am at my core and open to God, my mind doesn't need to start spinning like the hamster wheel it is. It is not necessary. Worship happens in spirit and in truth.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Your wish is our command?
Remember that one time when I posted about how no one, not even your mother, cares about what you dreamed about last night? Well seriously, I told my mom a dream, and she was just like...uhh. You need to get more sleep. lol
But apparently all that has changed.
When I was home for Christmas, I jumped in the car with her to go get lunch. And I was talking about all kinds of random stuff, but one thing was - Mom, you know what's so weird? I had this dream, like a vision of the perfect outfit! It is so crazy that it came to me like that. But I just pictured dark brown courdoroy pants, and a dark jade-green sweater, not a turtleneck (I can't stand turtlenecks cause it makes me feel all tied up and unbreathable) but one of those split neck sweaters... where it would be a turtleneck except that it has buttons or some other release that lets the fabric fall over your shoulder. A really soft sweater like that. And my mom said oh yeah that would be really pretty! And we moved on to other topics.
Well today i got a package in the mail, with a note that said "Don't know if this is the outfit you dreamed about (!) but just in case, the gift receipt is here so you can get exactly what you want." It took me a minute because I made that off-hand comment like three weeks ago... it was the outfit! The shirt is not exactly what I pictured, but I am not complaining!
Wow. What should I dream of next? :) My parents are amazing.
But apparently all that has changed.
When I was home for Christmas, I jumped in the car with her to go get lunch. And I was talking about all kinds of random stuff, but one thing was - Mom, you know what's so weird? I had this dream, like a vision of the perfect outfit! It is so crazy that it came to me like that. But I just pictured dark brown courdoroy pants, and a dark jade-green sweater, not a turtleneck (I can't stand turtlenecks cause it makes me feel all tied up and unbreathable) but one of those split neck sweaters... where it would be a turtleneck except that it has buttons or some other release that lets the fabric fall over your shoulder. A really soft sweater like that. And my mom said oh yeah that would be really pretty! And we moved on to other topics.
Well today i got a package in the mail, with a note that said "Don't know if this is the outfit you dreamed about (!) but just in case, the gift receipt is here so you can get exactly what you want." It took me a minute because I made that off-hand comment like three weeks ago... it was the outfit! The shirt is not exactly what I pictured, but I am not complaining!
Wow. What should I dream of next? :) My parents are amazing.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Beautiful child
I found this photo on flickr. I love this face. Something about looking at this girl really makes me feel peaceful and makes me feel that there's good in the world. I don't know. It's just something about this girl in particular.
I found a few others, too, but this is my favorite face. She lives in Yangdon, Nepal.
I wish I could do something for all the little girls in the world who are growing up in chronic poverty. So many won't have the chance to learn to read and write, or fulfill their dreams, or even do exactly what they want to do for just one day. Maybe I will find a way to help at some point. I would love that.
I found a few others, too, but this is my favorite face. She lives in Yangdon, Nepal.
I wish I could do something for all the little girls in the world who are growing up in chronic poverty. So many won't have the chance to learn to read and write, or fulfill their dreams, or even do exactly what they want to do for just one day. Maybe I will find a way to help at some point. I would love that.
Monday, January 02, 2006
No television
It's really weird not having a TV. It is kind of like... my mind is so tired, because it is always left to think, think, think. It is never left alone for an hour or two to just chill... Well, if I would give my self total downtime, and just... I don't know, draw... then it continues to think! Maybe what I need is some real quietness and meditation. I don't even really mean prayer, at least not the talking part (maybe the listening). Quieting myself is probably very called for. Hmmm. It's also funny how I can get really tired of listening to music. Constant music is no solution. I am not going crazy, don't worry, I am just saying it's a real mental change to suddenly have no TV box to turn on. No sweet box. : )
These days will soon come to an end (my aunt is holding my TV in Wash, DC). I will get it eventually. But for now, a change of pace. Not that I watch that much TV anyway, I don't. Pretty much just news, Apprentice, and Idol. lol And bad reruns that are always on when making dinner (Friends, Seinfeld). Well Seinfeld reruns usually aren't bad. But yeah.
These days will soon come to an end (my aunt is holding my TV in Wash, DC). I will get it eventually. But for now, a change of pace. Not that I watch that much TV anyway, I don't. Pretty much just news, Apprentice, and Idol. lol And bad reruns that are always on when making dinner (Friends, Seinfeld). Well Seinfeld reruns usually aren't bad. But yeah.
Too cute
Lest this become the blog of cute photos and nothing substantive, I will refrain - - - OH WHAT THE HECK! Look at this picture. Are my Dad and my brother not the cutest little people you've ever seen? This is from my last night in Minnesota. My Dad fell asleep when we went over to my bro's house for pizza. I took this with my camera phone. Aww. Hehe.
** Note. Okay, so when I asked my Dad about this picture, he was kinda like "Ugh. I saw that and thought, I could think of a million different captions for that photo." And proceeded to tell me he was reading the bumps on Michael's head while also covering his ears so he wouldn't hear the interpretation. What a wierdo. lol Just let it be known that this is an accurate depiction of my family, even if it does look strange. Hahaha. (Not sure that actually clarified anything. This is getting more and more funny.)
** Note. Okay, so when I asked my Dad about this picture, he was kinda like "Ugh. I saw that and thought, I could think of a million different captions for that photo." And proceeded to tell me he was reading the bumps on Michael's head while also covering his ears so he wouldn't hear the interpretation. What a wierdo. lol Just let it be known that this is an accurate depiction of my family, even if it does look strange. Hahaha. (Not sure that actually clarified anything. This is getting more and more funny.)
I live this moment as my last
I am getting warped just listening to Rent over and over again... Hey, by the way, that Rent blog series is still coming! I'm working on it. You have been warned. But anyway...
The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There’s only us, there’s only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today
(Another Day)
The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last
There’s only us, there’s only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today
(Another Day)
Answered prayer
This is so cool. I decided to print out my journal which I usually just type, and so I'm reading from a year ago... (I started it last Christmas so it basically spans 2005). This is from November 30, 2004:
I just had the thought that maybe my heart is restless at this season in life because I'm living under too many rules. Too much of what I think is Christianity is just cultural crap which has been dragged into it. I should take the time to list out what is truly of Christ and what is just American. Damn all those who try to confuse the two! It is not good.
God, if you can please free my mind and free my heart from the chains of cultural Christianity, I would be so happy. I know it will hurt - the process of breaking free - but I cannot live in a box. I cannot do things simply because that is the way they are done. I have shut up and got in line too many times. Please let me dance freely, without shame or hesitation. I am yours. And I know that if I just am bold enough to run to you, you are mine...
I can honestly tell you the chains have started to break. In real and tangible ways. Wow. I'm way encouraged reading this. I'm gonna read through the rest of these 26 pages...but currently I'm late for a class!
I just had the thought that maybe my heart is restless at this season in life because I'm living under too many rules. Too much of what I think is Christianity is just cultural crap which has been dragged into it. I should take the time to list out what is truly of Christ and what is just American. Damn all those who try to confuse the two! It is not good.
God, if you can please free my mind and free my heart from the chains of cultural Christianity, I would be so happy. I know it will hurt - the process of breaking free - but I cannot live in a box. I cannot do things simply because that is the way they are done. I have shut up and got in line too many times. Please let me dance freely, without shame or hesitation. I am yours. And I know that if I just am bold enough to run to you, you are mine...
I can honestly tell you the chains have started to break. In real and tangible ways. Wow. I'm way encouraged reading this. I'm gonna read through the rest of these 26 pages...but currently I'm late for a class!
No one else can do it for you
I feel like being positive is the new black. Or maybe it's just that lately, I gravitate toward really upbeat, overly giddy music. Hah. Either way, I love this song...
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else
No one else can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words upspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is
Where your book begins
The rest is still
Unwrittennnnnn.
(Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield)
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else
No one else can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words upspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is
Where your book begins
The rest is still
Unwrittennnnnn.
(Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield)
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