One hundred percent

I just found out my ebay (and half.com) rating is 100%. Woohoo! I never really checked that before.

Florrrrrida

I think it is too depressing have my self-diagnosis and list of sicknesses at the top of the page. So I am going to replace it with something sunnier... Florida! I'm going tomorrow night to visit my old yet new friends Dan and Nicole in Jacksonville. I get in way late, but hey, you have to make ze most of ze time zat you have. I have no idea what we're going to do but the only thing I for sure want to get in is lots of talking and catching up. Sigh. Hey I just got my magazine in the mail so I have good reading material... Glamour. hahaha. Yes, quality reading material! That's right.

I had a funny conversation with my brother tonight. I was in CVS looking for a card and he kinda held me hostage there for 31 minutes because I cannot talk and do something (especially something like look for a card) at the same time. In any case he hadn't heard of all the going-ons in my life so to say it all in one breath sort of gave him heart failure. That was funny. He also told me this story of how his best friend, who is not financially stable, went out and bought a bicycle for $750. Crazy. Yellow (not pretty) and heavy, too! When you pay that much for a bike, it should weigh about as much as a feather in my opinion. But anyway the thing was, my brother accidentally backed over the bike with his truck. Poor bro. As a good best friend, he's going to give him the money. That is just crazy. I mean he was going on and on about why the heck did you get a bike and spend that much money (a $100 or $200 bike, he said, "i would have been fantastically happy with!") and then he goes and destroys it. ah. such is life. i was impressed with his paying back though, and said that kind of thing comes back around at ya. not ascribing to karma here (well maybe i am). it just, it is good to be good to people. not good at the time, but uhh, at least you have a good feeling (except being out $ 7 5 0! yikes).

peace out. i'm tired.

Self diagnosis

Symptoms:

-fatigue, all the time
-dizziness, vertigo (diagnosed by a doctor as labrynthitis, virus-caused)
-painful, concentrated headache
-back and neck pain
-spastic right eye. lol
-sometimes stuffed up, sinuses? allergies?
-hot flashes, or at least it feels like that

Causes I've Brainstormed:

-running (pushing myself too hard... but now i've stopped that)
-stress (mostly work related but also personal)
-heat and humidity induced
-misalignment (chiro visit took care of the sharp back pain)
-virus
-allergies
-uhh.. what's that one where you're tired all the time? oh, mono.

Whatever I'm going through, it really sucks, and I hope it is over soon. I take my good health so for granted, and now that it's wavering so much, I just feel really sad that I can't do everything I want to. I have no energy, which is totally unlike me. Arrrr! I want my energy back, and balance, and everything else... :(

I guess I need to go to the doctor again. Maybe I'm onto something with the mono. Has anyone I know ever had that? Would I know if I had that? Hey I just looked it up on WebMD and swollen throat is definitely something I've had too, especially when I was in Denver, I could hardly swallow. Not to mention being emotional and easily moved to anger. Not that that's on there, I just keep thinking of things... Everything is out of whack which is scary and just, not right.

Off the Map

Just finished the movie Off the Map. I loved it so much. It is so beautiful... so honest, so slow, so forgiving, so graceful, so true. I think, I hope, everyone can relate both to the city and the country. There seems to be a place in each of us that is at home in one setting and the other. I don't know what I'm trying to say except this movie sits so well with me and even lets me be at peace with myself. That's a lot for a movie to do.

I just changed the blogger template. It seems like it's easier to read. Hmmm.

Anyway, absolutely everything in my life lately is a signpost for all that I'm going through. I don't know if God is always giving us signs like this and I'm just sensitive to and aware of them now, or if this really is a unique time for me... but everything is a message and has meaning. Here's what I just wrote in my journal. (Yes, the one where I say what I reaaaaally think. haha):

Lately every movie I watch, every book I read, every sermon or song that I hear… everything is pointing me toward being free. Quitting my job and becoming a freelance writer. More than that, maybe moving away from Washington, DC. More than that, becoming more of who I want to be, and must be, and who I am. More than all these, drawing closer to my home, which is somewhere familiar, somewhere in God. Everything feels so ordained and perfect right now. Every minute detail seems to be a perfectly orchestrated part of a huge and beautiful plan. This is not to say I don't feel stress or anything, just feel... taken care of. I am happy at the thought.

Oh, to be a synaesthete!

1.) The definition of Synaesthesia.

2.) I have come to the point of desperately needing a Wikipedia toolbar. I go there way too much and it would save a step. Is this the epitome of tech laziness?

3.) I'm at Panera and it's about to close, but in any case there's a man and a woman next to me. And the man keeps getting up to get stuff, and the woman continues not only talking but wildly laughing at what she is saying when her friend is away from the table. It makes no sense whatsoever. One more piece of evidence in my monstrous pile for the hypothesis, "The DC area has an exceptionally disproportionate number of people that talk to themselves." Special thanks to Susan for helping me realize this truth back in 2002. Ha.

Better than that

Why do we think that if we shop at Target, and have lunch at Panera, and get coffee at Starbucks... that we're so above the lifestyle of shopping at Walmart, and having lunch at McDonald's, and getting coffee at the convenience store. I'm just saying, we should challenge the false lines that are drawn for us.

I was reading something recently about how now instead of being trapped flipping burgers, thousands are trapped making mochas and lattes. We feel it's a step up but really... well I'm not going to say it's "bad" - it definitely isn't anything that deserves a blanket judgment like that, and life is what we make it - but we are kidding ourselves to think that a person in that type of retail or food service is better than someone in another similiar position.

On a somewhat-separate-but-not-really note, I've always thought it would be so cool if I could just get a tour of all the homes in my immediate neighborhood. You have all these totally different home settings and families and structures and scents and foods and cultures all existing inside four-walled domiciles, and they never interact with each other. It is wild. And being in any one of those houses or apartments or even just one room that is not familiar to me, would give me a totally different outlook on life. This is something I'm always struggling to say but never finding the words to articulate it. Something like that changes my perspective so drastically, and life itself - life entirely - looks and feels and is different. It is so crazy. And for me, the thing I'm always trying to do is capture the best moments. Which probably explains my over-fixation with autumn. Fall is to me like the best drug. Something about the cool air and the sunshine, something about the change, and the return to a safe-feeling schedule, something about fall makes me unimaginably high. That's just one setting or factor that gives me this life-is-grand feeling. I wish I could capture them all and live in them forever. They're so fleeting it's like I can't even really name or identify them - except for a few, like fall... or certain songs... or certain smells... I know them when I'm in them, but apart from them, I'm always kind of grasping for this vague environmental/sensory shift that makes my whole life seem different. I can't explain it. Hopefully someone has a clue as to what I'm talking about.

Red nail polish

I did a load of laundry the other day, and ended up just throwing everything in together - white and colors - to speed things up. Well, when I went down to get the clothes out of the washer, there was something in there that shouldn't have been... a glass bottle of red nail polish! That is freakin amazing that it was intact, without so much as one drop of red on anything. Amazing. It should have broken during the spin cycle. Anyway, needless to say, I was thankful.

Marble Church in New York

Did you know that Donald and Melania Trump are members of Marble Collegiate Church in New York? I was just reading a quote from him that he gives lots of money there. That just shocks me. Whoa! I seriously need to do some research on the Donald. He is way too fascinating.

American Beauty

Just watched American Beauty. Yes, it's true it has lots of disturbing sexual scenes but it seems that all the good, meaningful movies do. I wish I hadn't waited so long to see it because of that.

It was surreal to watch in that it shows how surreal life can be, how we can live for so long at such half-mast, half-hearted, half-asleep... just half alive. That is really scary. I can relate to it, probably not to that extreme but definitely in part. Why are we so afraid to do what we want to do, or be who we are? Our sense of people's expectations and society's protocols has such a hold over us. Why would we ever submit to expectations or protocol if it steals our joy and our life away? And yet we do it all the time. Most people do only that.

Ricky's dad... if anyone has seen it... really terrified me. I didn't know how he was going to react to the drug scene that looked like a gay scene... I had my hand ready to hit fast forward in case I anticipated a disturbingly angry-violent reaction. lol But the point I'm getting to is, he did not think his Dad was a bad man. He knew that "structure and discipline" was just all his Dad knew. Even though he (Ricky) had been severely wronged and abused by his Dad, he saw - simply - a person, and he saw beauty everywhere he looked. I don't know, I can't explain it, I just want to be like that. To be able to look at anything and see beauty. The kind of beauty that is overwhelming because it's real.

Of course he was on drugs, too. But hey. There were just so many layers to that movie. I miss having a discussion group after finishing good movies and good books. That always got me thinking about things so much more clearly. Ah well :)

I don't want to be on drugs, but I want to be alive. Which seems like an elusive thing. According to my Dad you can only get that by "living in the now," so let me take this opportunity to finish my drink and go to bed! Sleeeeeeeeeep. ohhhhh blessed sleep. Sooo ready for the weekend...

iTunes radio

I really like the iTunes radio station under classical that says "Relax... it's good for you!" I like the music, but what I really like is that tiny little mantra. Whenever I read it, I'm like ahhh yes, indeed it is goooooood. haha.

Today I'm trying to make a chiropractor appointment. Never went to a chiro before but I remember going with my Dad once as a kid and he did some craaaazy stuff to my Dad's back. So this should be fun. I'm also needing to... ok I will just cut and paste the urgent portion of my to-do list for you:

1. Dress alternations
2. Take in shoes for color
3. Work on Dad’s website
4. Get M&J wedding gift
5. Oil change!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Get Sharnice bday gift, call her
7. Back up computer
8. Recopy Dad’s CD
9. Pay bills
10. Call Sarah about Saturday

The list is actually two pages long but this is the seriously-do-it-soon section. This doesn't even include the huge section on getting my writing thing going. But I digress. I also am way excited because I made a lunch appointment with a freelancer my roommate works with, it's for lunch tomorrow... and I just realized last night that my boss is getting into town like 2 hours before my lunch appt in Maryland! ARgh! What was I thinking. Oh well, I will just maybe pick them up, drop them off at the hotel, and continue on. Crazy.

I started reading Anna Karenina. I really like it so far. I even like the pages and the feel of the cover, which as we know, is the important thing when it comes to books.

Anxious thoughts

My assistant just put in her notice - she's leaving by the end of August. My reaction isn't exactly what I expected. My body feels totally tense, like it is bearing a huge burden of stress and anxiety and worry. I just want to jump ship but it's not that easy. And even if I did jump, I can't avoid having to get on another ship, and that one is probably stressful too! Know what I'm sayin. So, I just want a year long break from all concerns. My head hurts, but so does everything else.. but... God is the strength of my heart. I'm amazed how people get through life. I don't even have truly huge or painful things to deal with, yet I feel sometimes like I can barely get through. Life is just overwhelming, and it's hard to pinpoint one changeable reason why.

Tap the Rockies... coors light! ha ha : )

I just returned from 8 days in Colorado! Most of the week was spent at a huge conference for work... over 30,000 people! I spent the majority of my time in the exhibits hall, which I have now concluded is NOT fun! I hope I never have to do that again. But anyway, from Friday night on I got to hang out with my cool friend Susan who just moved there this week! Here's a picture of us on top of Mt. Evans on Saturday. Isn't it beautiful? We also met up with this young couple, Deb and John, who live in Littleton. I met them out in Durham, NC and I may soon live near them because we are both heading to North Carolina in the next 3-12 months. Yes, I said it, I am moving! I have decided, and am, for the first time, a little freaked out. I am so sad to leave friends and family in DC, but this is just what I have to do. More on all this later. :)