Free enough, joyful enough

Note: I just re-read this and even with all my caveats and qualifications, it sounds really "I'm better than you all." Please. That's not my heart and if you're reading this, hopefully you know that. I'm just discovering how free I really am.

I'm listening to "I am not my hair" by India.Arie. Man i like this song. The lyrics aren't terribly amazing but just the beat. Mmmmmmmmm.... does the way I wear my hair make me a better person... mmmm... yeahh.. I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not your expectations, no no...

Okay. Focus jenny!

Last night we went to see Phil Keaggy. He's an amazing guitarist. I think he was so good that I couldn't even understand or appreciate his talent.

But it was held at a Vineyard Church building. And I have nothing against Vineyard or any other church. I really don't. I'm just speaking in terms of my personal response when I say...

I hate church atmospheres. I have come to hate it. The people seem so... white, middle-class, and well-behaved. The building - inside and out - is so white, institutional, and ugly. The whole thing just screams boredom to me. All I kept thinking, and maybe this is a lie I'm telling myself, but all I could think was "I'm way too free to stay here." That's why no typical church has held me, I think.

There's this other phrase that's stuck with me. Not sure where I read it... it may even be in a certain translation of Scripture. But the little phrase is: "joyful enough to house the living God." When I first heard that phrase, I dwelled and dwelled on it. I loved it. How much joy... how alive must I be (not out of my own work, but naturally, springing forth easily)... when my heart is housing the living God. And as the Body, how joyful, how alive are we when we house the living God!

Actually even just the phrase 'living God' makes my heart leap. 'God' has become a bit of a meaningless word to me, from overuse... so when I intentionally remember what that word even means, my soul expands. 'God' means bigger than the whole universe, and yet small enough to see and understand what happens in the nucleus of the atoms that make up the chemical compounds that make up my tissue that make up my organs that make up my body. (And not just my body but everything and everyone, everywhere.) 'God' means all the love, passion, color, heat, energy, creativity, wildness, and sheer awareness that exists, all balled up together and barrelling forward with and into humanity. 'God' means all the "laws" of science rendered powerless, all the fear of death gone, all the shame of living as a human... erased by grace. Wow. See? When I really stop and remember what it would mean for someone to actually be GOD, I get excited.

That said, this church atmosphere last night tapped on my shoulder and whispered everything contrary to this freedom. Now I think the people there are good, salt of the earth people. I love them, as much as I can love my nameless brothers and sisters in Christ. And I certainly think I'm no better than them. In fact, I give them tons of credit for persevering! But I'm grateful that when I could do it no longer, God gave me a trap door exit from the stage. And it's not like I was totally kicked out of the play for failing... it's more like there was a cast party going on below the stage. And at this cast party, I can hear the music and the wine is flowing freely and I'm below the surface and loving it. I know I'm getting crazy with the analogy here but... go with it. (The wine wasn't metaphor. That part is real.) (Hehe.)

Moving from Washington to Raleigh has been a bit of a metaphor for what's happening spiritually. I went from that top place, where people and places are recognized. Where there is prestige and reputation and certainty and expectation. To this place, somewhat off the map, that is extremely unpretentious. And I don't care if you know about Raleigh or not, and I don't care if you like it or not. I'm off the map, and I like it this way. I'm not trying to be anything anymore, not trying to achieve. If I am trying to be anything, it's God's. I want to be God's.

I really want to emphasize that I don't feel that I am better than any other person, or that any Christian institution is beneath me. I am saying I'm a failure at it. Just how God made a lot of people too strange to fit into their society or their era, He made me this way and I'm still discovering just how weird I am and (no, that's not the highlight :) ... the highlight is... discovering how absolutely CRAZY he is. Not so much irrational as transrational. Not so much insane as completely-redefinining-sanity(health)-beyond-all-our-imagination-and-expectations.

What a friend we have in Jesus.